Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dr JCD Phd

See he is also just really good at his job. I mean he really helps me. I wanted to give an example of that too.

so yesterday I didn't sleep the previous night at all so I went for a run at 6 am, 6 miles, and then celine told me I should come check out her yoga class at the gym, so I did that at 9, and it was a tough one, and then she wanted to stay for this pilates/dance/fusion class and someone else seemed really excited about it too and it was free so I stayed for that and that was a fucking serious workout. So when I went to see J I was kinda drowsy and dreamy and delirious...

He asked me about my mood because I think I wrote him a pretty depressed letter the night before, and I told him about my ups and downs and how it always concerns me because according to the article he sent me a while ago, the depressive perspective tends to be more realistic... and pessimists tend to be better predictors... and so I said I'm concerned my good moods are all unrealistic BS.... and he asked what do I think is bullshit, like inflated ego things?

And I said, no, not even, just, you know, how I write all the time, just, my writing and music and everything...

And he said, It's beautiful, and it's brilliant. How could it not be?

And I just looked at him, probably real doe-eyed...

And he said You can create things. You can create wonderful things... There are many people who get up or high or manic or whatever you want to call it, who aren't creative. It's not related. It's not even debatable. Your talent.

I stared.

I think maybe the issue is not to take possession of it. It is, whatever it is, and you don't have to question it, and you're a vessel for it... Instead of thinking like, okay, I'm the Great Creator. He smiled. You know? And then crashing and saying, no, I'm scum and I'm going to be a bag lady.

I laughed a little... Yeah...

So, when you're down, and you build these narratives... about the future, like you do, just try... well... this might be a strange analogy... but with over-eaters, sometimes they use this method, of delaying- like- allowing themselves to eat whatever they want- like- I can have that second helping, I can have that third helping-

I giggled.

-But delay it by 10 minutes... That make sense?

Yeah, like the counting to ten thing...

Well, yeah, though, I don't like that counting to ten thing, but, yeah regardless, I guess it's kind of the same idea.

Okay, so, how would I apply this...?

Well, from what you tell me, you're aware that- you see that the depression is just a feeling, it's just a feeling that comes over you, and it's not that anything is wrong, and you know that... But it makes you tell yourself these stories sometimes like, like, I'll always be depressed, and it's crippling, and I'll screw everything up, and I'll be living on the streets pushing around a shopping cart right?

I laughed. Yup.

So, try delaying. Saying, okay, I'm depressed, let me just feel the pain for a half hour... And then you can start telling yourself you'll become a bag lady if you want.

1 comment:

  1. haha last 2 sentences cracked me up.

    but a very good analogy!