Thursday, January 14, 2010


So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good-bye.
The sun has gone to bed and so must I.

It's bittersweet, the color of my heart.

Today was, it was beautiful. I didn't wear any makeup. J was relaxed and composed, and so was I, save for moments, a few self-conscious pauses, subtle challenges. We just talked today, for forty-five minutes, like people, like a man and a woman. I wasn't Lolita. But... it was flirting, in its own way, as Julian told me about himself, parts of the story of his life, his career, his impressive, dazzling, laudable career. He let go. Not bragging, but consciously impressing, and it was just the truth, and it was fascinating and it was funny. And I didn't play myself as hysterical, and I was funny too, and I was challenging. And we debated, back and forth, and when I gave him an off-hand compliment-- "because you're talented"-- I saw a glimmer of self-consciousness.

I asked if he is a total atheist. He thought his answer aloud, and then he asked me, and I thought out loud to him, too. We talked about science, and yoga, and spirituality, and writers, and I could tell, he was talking to me as an equal. And thinking about that now kind of blows my mind, but in the moment, I was just, right there with him.

With beautiful, beautiful, blinding Julian Darcy, who quoted my writing as he held open the door for me at twilight, my whimsying-heartbroke and made-up words.

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