Sunday, January 31, 2010

Rhyme or Reason

So I tried posting earlier... I copied and pasted something right off FB, and when I looked at it I realized it picked up the sloppy FB chat html and it was all f'd up, and I tried reformatting and my connection cut out, and it frustrated the dickens out of me, and now I'm over it.

I just left a trendy diner where I went after work with one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen up close. I met him at the club (of course) a while ago, he goes there to sell pot and other stuff I don't touch, but we talked, and he's really young, like my age, and it turns out we're going to school together this semester, and his cousin lives the next town over my hometown, which is TINY and unheard of. He's given me a ride home a couple times, and tonight he came in to deal with one of his own customers, and we had a drink, and after he left I texted him and he came back and we went to the diner and ordered two Thai Chicken Salads to-go, and sat outside while all the hipsters stared. The girls at the club all stared too, earlier, and tonight there was all kinds of drama in the dressing room when we were closing up, and I just wanted to get out of there... I've kind of become friends with a lot of the regulars, the guys that come in to drink or do whatever but don't really talk to the girls much... but I like them and I'm happy when they come in, to just go and chill and chat and have a drink, so some of the girls try to get me riled up sometimes, and I just don't bite. I just won't. The last thing I want is to get involved with that. I don't understand why, but almost all of them are nice one night, and then weird and edgy, and then catty, and then cool, with no rhyme or reason.

Like Julian. His impenetrable wall. It's not coming down. It's not going anywhere. I broke down and wrote him last night... after my post. I felt like a jackass. I told Elena and she was just like, oh man. Yeah. Ugh. She made me laugh. She's going through some crap with a guy too (at least it's REAL and ACTUAL. Sigh.) and we're both laughing off the misery. But J, of course, didn't respond. I don't understand it, why he would let me flounder like he does, or condescend to me like he does, or imply and insinuate and assert and retreat. It makes no sense. Maybe it's part of therapy.

And maybe it's working. I feel different. I feel solid. I'm up and down, I'm confused, I'm lonely, but I kind of... know myself.

Emily came over today and we hung out and went for a walk and got vegan food. I haven't seen her in ages. She's beautiful.

1 comment:

  1. This post reminded me of an excerpt of a book I read a few years ago. It's about a woman who dressed up as a man and went to a strip club, multiple times. She talked to many of the club patrons and presented them as being rather lonely men. Just there for company or someone to talk to. I wonder if that's your experience as well?

    Here's a link the book if you're interested. It has lots of gender issues--very sociological :)