Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Designer Drugs and Bloody Wars

I took Ecstasy last night... or was it some MDMA powder... I dunno... with the Croatian director D (not being cryptic w the names here it just really is an unusual one)... he told me about being a teenager during the war... stories that blew my mind... I saw clips of his movie... it looked so amazing, like nothing I've ever seen before (not because of the damn drugs, they dont do anything to me except make me cold and sleepy... he kept asking, you ok? you ok? cuz I took a lot, cuz I have the metabolism of like a t-rex, and he was like How do you feel? You feel good? and I was like, I feel... like I took ecstasy. Hahaha. I've only done it a few times, like once every couple years it seems to happen, and it's always meh and always the same), it is really gorgeous, and the stuff makes me kind of loud and shit on everything and I was telling him my Inception theory and at first he was like No, I hate this guy, cuz he's the best at what he does! and then, No, okay, that's too much, and then, Yeah, so stupid... but it was well done... so stupid though you're right... we were laughing, and I kept going ranting about it and he was like, Yeah yeah ok it's stupid but relative to what's available in the cinema in general, it was okay. And I was like, YEAH. EXACTLY. Relative to what's available in the cinema in general, IT WAS OKAY.


We went to dinner at some fancy place and he asked me, Do you like your character? And I was like, why, do you DISLIKE it? And he said, You don't answer my question, you ask me if I like it, and I said, No, I asked if you dislike it? And he said, I love it.

That kinda melted my heart.

I was so cold though when the stuff kicked in we took a cab back to his house in WeHo and I ran to the blankets and we laid around and we messed around and we talked all kinds of crazy shit in addition to the scene at a bar in Zagreb that was hit by a cluster bomb... and everything he saw... and his dad, a sergeant in the military, at the base, alone in the dark because they couldn't have any lights on, even candles, cuz otherwise the plane's heat sensors would be able to locate the zones beneath them, as D walked in, a teenager bringing his dad something to eat, and saw him sitting amidst all the printers, the old dot matrix printers with the tractor feed paper that came out, with the holes on the side, just printing out and out and out from all the printers and his father despondent like How can I go in there tomorrow?? and he looked at the paper and saw that it was printing out thousands of names and addresses of the casualties, the soldiers, dead in that last battle....

And the way he told it...

Today I went to meet Jo for coffee and talk about this thing I'm doing with her for her school, and then I went home and finished up homework, went to class, listened to Perfect Lives, and I'm sad I am, a little sad, it's probably just that drug, and I'm fine I am, a little fine. Because, granted it's only been two weeks, but I'm going to all my classes and not dreadin' em. I participate A LOT and like the other students too. I feel so sad almost all the time but I do things that make me forget about. They come, the thoughts, they're constant, but, they're not really destructive now. But they are home.


  1. It took me a long time to decide how to respond to this post, for a couple reasons. Mostly because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to say anything nice or supportive because I grew up with people who abused drugs and it made my life a living hell but I didn't want to judge you because that doesn't help anyone anyways.

    So I found someone else's words to say what I would like to be able to say and that's the best I can do today. I hope you understand.

    "i wish you could buy self confidence in a jar. take twice a day, with a full glass of tea; do not take on an empty stomach. this is not self confidence in the form of mood elevating drugs or weight loss supplements. perhaps it could be a jar you could open up & it whispers beautiful things to you. confidence is such an alluring quality in creatures & really, everyone should feel confident. you’re alive, that makes you beautiful. everyone is beautiful. slight things make you beautiful. that speck of gold on your otherwise green eyes, that freckle the shape of maine, the gap in your teeth, the fullness of your body. everyone is beautiful. if this is true, why is it so impossible to feel sometimes? we sink our skin into bathtubs of luke warm water searching for our flaws. the superficial reason he/she might not fall in love with you. we don’t look within towards the passion in our blood- the things people will actually fall in love with. looks fade & anyone can fall in lust with a look. it’s trite but true that in the long run that is not what you want in a mate. you want someone who intrigues you, makes you a better person, someone who compliments your very existence. if self confidence could be purchased in a jar it might say your heart beats like a rabbit & you glow when you smile. it might say the way your brain works is extraordinary, you notice things everyone else is too busy to see. it might just whisper you’re breathing, you…are…alive."

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Sorry, left that comment twice. Blogger freaked on me.

  4. Oh Phoenix... you always the find the most beautiful, tender and compassionate words... doesn't matter if they came from someone else, you know when to use them. it's really amazing; you are an amazing soul.

    i don't take drugs a lot at all, now and again, for whatthefuck sake, for structure, story. But my self esteem problem is like... it's not about my appearance or intelligence or anything, it's just, it just IS, like this fundamental thing, like it's just The Feeling. You know? I know it's irrational sometimes but I'm just fucking miserable sometimes. Just fucking miserable.

  5. What a great, great posts. I love those high nights when everyone rambles on about random crap. And yes, you are feeling a little sad because of the MDMA. You're lucky though- your comedown sounds manageable.
    The Croatian guy sounds awesome and insane. You could write crazy stories about him.

    Glad I found your blog!

  6. I know. I know exactly how you feel. This is why I work out instead of doing drugs... endorphins are way cheaper than the stuff I'd have to use to drag me back to heaven from hell.

    I just don't want anything bad to happen to you, hon.