so yesterday i saw him and.. he didnt wanna talk.. he doesnt wanna play this anymore..
he looked so gorgeous though, he had like track pants and a t-shirt the exact color of his eyes and sneakers on... it was the first time id ever seen him not in dress clothes which, i found it really funny, and really endearing that a grown man with an esteemed career where he'd have to wear them every day would call his work clothes "dress clothes" like a 12 year old.
and his pants were black, and his shirt ice grayblue and his hair is black and his eyes are ice grayblue, his arms are kinda tanned and nicely muscled and shaped and i couldnt take my eyes off him, my mind went blank again... and he told a story at the beginning of the session about
how he used to commute from this place near the beach and go and train in the morning and go in the water and then shower and change in the car and i was like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhewroiu23r9tiosdugioldsijkslfjsldogipsdigummmmmmmmmok.
but then he wouldn't chat with me. he'd flirt but every time i started to talk about something he'd shut it down and bring it back, so you wanted to see me here again because you said you didn't want our last session to be like that with you angry at me.
like he made sure to say it was our last session.
so i just got on him.
literally. i crawled over and took his hand. i was wearing hardly anything (we're having a heat wave.) and said how is this hand doing. and he starts laughing and then i stood up and sat on his lap and said Dame, dame el otro mano. and he dame'd it, and laughed (giggled) and started to say something and i said see i need to see how your hands are doing, because they don't lie as much as you do. and he's blinking up at me with his big blue eyes looking particularly like a teenager with his blue t-shirt on and sort of giggling, laughed way too loud at that one, closed his eyes and sort of tilted his head back, "Okay.... Okay, because they don't lie as much as I do.." and I kissed him lightly and he a little tense and started to withdraw his hands which had been squeezing mine the whole time and I was still holding so I held them up and went, sort of breathlessly,
See, this is a lie detector test...
And he laughs, It's a lie detector test, uh huh, ok...
Yeah... it is..
And he's just staring up at me, head cocked to one side, incredulous, like, why are you doing to this me?
And I'm holding hands up making circles in the air, and breathless, Whhhyy dooo.... and I take his palms and put them on my neck....
And he's shaking his head slowly, still looking at me like that, shaking his head, but circling my throat with his big hands, gently.
...you contradict everything you say?
And again, throws his head back laughing way too loud, Why do I contradict everything I say... That's a LOADED question... that's... that's...
And I take my hands off his and put one on his neck and then tug on his hair with the other twice like Beep beep and say Questioning the questions is not gonna throw off the lie detector readout, and then I tug on his hair twice and go, Beep beep.
And he's staring at me and he goes Scarlet... Scarlet...
I'm just... I'm gonna need a little more space...
It was so direct and sincere and not game-y I got off him immediately almost embarrassed and he's still babbling about "...to answer the question fairly I mean and I think anyone would agree, that that is a LOADED question, I mean, ANYONE would agree... like I could say, I don't always contradict myself and you'd say okay well he said not ALWAYS..." as if it's a really fucking lie detector test, because, he TOTALLY really believed it was... I mean, he really did, he really thinks I can read his mind when I'm touching him, and I can, but I mean not like THAT, and I just said,
Okay, how much space? How much more space?
And he stopped and I was already back on the couch and he was still babbling and he stopped and said Well, I...
And I said, Like, months?
And all blue-eyed blinking, "No! No, no..." and then collected completely, "I don't have a specific answer for you..."
He mentioned going hiking twice and that the cafe had wireless once yesterday.
I'm just gonna chill and run into him there in like a month. That's it. And no e-mails at all, and certainly no freaking out.
I can do it now.