a pain in the buttbones.

Soooo, we've all been away for a while it seems. Falltime. Always busy for every bee.

My bed is crap. It's shite. I slept on the floor last night, and I feel okay for the first time in... months?

I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac; I just ignore shit 'til it goes away; I'm never sick (well I'm sick sometimes... but its almost always just the direct cause of drug or alcohol withdrawal... hahaha) and I've never had any conditions or anything (hear no see no speak no jinx). So I've actually had mad pain of the Buttbone for like, months, it hurts when I'm sitting down, after like 20 minutes... I have to stand up or shift around-- it REALLY hurts. Like a mother. And I've been saying in the Buttbone, cuz I couldn't really tell what the fuck it was. And I just assumed it was from taking vicoshit or some kind of muscular overuse from dancing or running like a maniac or a wrong move in yoga....

And then C one day after sleeping in my bed was like... Now I have that thing too... the pain in the buttbone, haha, and I've never had it before... I think it's your BED...

So... I laid down that night... and realized it hurt like a snatch cuz the PoS it so saggy and droopy my whole butt just droops down into the center. And like... I wasn't sure WHY that made it hurt but it seemed like it FN did. And after some extensive google searching, I found the exist fucking symptoms, and its called piniformis syndrome and its a pain in the buttbone, a gluteal glitch, said it happens to athletes and its caused by forward moving sports because the legs move in the direction so much those muscles hypertrophy and make other muscles around them asymmetrically weak (and I fucking was always saying my buttmuscle is hypertrophied if anyone remembers cuz of the ghetto booty and the pain in the buttbone and I thought I made that word up, like, it was a joke) and my BED, makes my legs just go forward all the time like I'm SKIING cuz my BUTT is sunk 3 feet lower than my knees!! Eureeeka!!! and THEN it said it was hard to treat a certain way cuz the piniformis is such a deep muscle (and THATS why it feels like its in the BONES.) So obviously my bed-- is shit. Its a hammock. A hamstrungout hammock, that fucks the hamstrings, and causes piniformis syndrome, which I'm godsworn I had. GODSWORN.

And some people go to like PHYSICAL THERAPY over this and take BOTOX injections locally to relax their buttbone and some even go to FN surgery, but like I'm just stretching and sitting differently and conscious of my buttbones being tight and deliberately relaxing them cuz I'm not retarded, and I can do that, so it's going away.

Ugh.

I CANNOT afford a new mattress.

Hear No, See No, Speak No Evil.

hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil

magic.

i'm feeling positively mansine.

interesting discussion w p tonight about magic powers, magic powers accessed, magic powers understood, magic powers gone haywire.... all relevant topics right now. sigh!!!

my powers are very strong tonight. oh yes. they have been very strong.

my hair is a lot shinier this color though. finally as shiny as my tiptip's. (thats another nickname for madeline.) (my cat, for those who've forgotten.)

Deep Brain Thrombosis

"Well, if it didn't happen, if you didn't take a hit from this recession and were still... making really good money, and coasting, with the commercials... then maybe you'd still feel satisfied... or feel like you felt satisfied... for years... instead of changing what needs to be changed..." I'm saying to C standing outside of the studio in the cold moonlight night.

He leaned back against the whitewashed brick and brought his hand to his chin, as though holding a gun, and pulled the trigger.

"Yeah. Trust me... I just, I just had the same experience... when things just inexplicably stop working out, when you just feel like you lose again and again for no reason, it's, it might be telling you something has to change."

He sighed and put his hands on my shoulders. "Once again, Scarlet, you're a brilliant philosopher... Thank you..."

He's going on vacation tomorrow, and I'm leaving town to go shoot for two weeks almost.

My brain is afog from homework and life and music and changes ahead of me. I want to take my own advice; I'm here at the studio right now but there's someone else here which annoys me cuz I was saying I was coming over for hours, I ran here, and he didn't say anyone was over, and I'm kind of... foggy, and tired, and sickish... I just don't feel good, or social, I just don't feel like sitting here with a bunch of dudes. Ugh.

Gonna put this down for now.

I just ran my six miles and I saw, another incredible, I mean the Form of the Shooting Star.

I saw it overhead, coming, I was like What...... I thought, okay that must be a really fast plane of some kind flying really low, but then, its silver fat tail glimmered into dust and so did it, breaking off into pieces red and gold...... I couldn't believe it.... a couple cars slowed too.... most of them didn't though... didn't see it... didn't notice... who's looking.....

I was right across from Julian's office. Heh. Of course...

Now look about C... I'm not, I'm not caught up like this. I don't expect anything from him. I did NOT expect to hear he and his wife are splitting up. Sure, sometimes I have little flights of fancy about stuff in the future. But I care about our goddamn project. Relationships are just not important right now. Despite what my heart says, every now and again.

Walls--

And I still have a big old flame burning for Julian.

I just saw him. At Table Top again, where I was studying, or trying to study. I had a dream about him last night, that he changed his car and I couldn't find him, it was silly-- but I knew I'd see him today. He walked by me like usual and didn't say anything and went inside and I wasn't even sure it was him and I kept looking in there and when he came out I sort of gave him a salute/"hi" like ooooookay if you're gonna walk right by me, suit yourself. And he stopped and walked over to me and said, You changed your hair...

And I said, I'm undercover.

And he said What? and leaned in toward me, and I said, undercover.

And he said, it suits you...

And I said, Are you in a hurry?

And he said, I've got a three o' clock, yeah, and I said, Okay well off you go then and he said Okay see you soon, I like your hair, and I laughed.

For the record, I'm not in pain--

I mean-- sure, I'm in some pain sometimes. Sometimes this hurts and I think oh god stupid stupid why are you wasting your youth on these men but- with C, first things first, and first things are my record things. So whatever happens between us and whatever he's going through and whatever I'm going through doesn't interrupt or impede it only enhances. And it really does. And there's NO ONE else in the world that can do what he does. And I've worried before about, well, what now, are you treating me different, is this gonna be a problem, this can't be this is my life this is my life in your hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and every time he says, stop. stop bringing your past disappointments in here. its my life too. its my work too.

And I know to trust him. I haven't been WRONG about whom to trust. And I can't, anyway, fully, I mean, I have high, tall, brick walls up now. Did I see this coming, I'll just say, I didn't NOT see it coming, but, it doesn't matter, it's not the issue, I don't know, I'll deal with it, it's my work, it's my life, it's not bullshit.

And I am in less pain, and less often, than I've been in a while.. so...

And I don't feel bad for his wife. Or for Julian's. Both of them, I just don't understand, married these boring dull women and got the seven-year itch and then it falls apart and I just feel like, that's just the type they go for. When it comes down to commitment.

Is it??

Zdrastvotye, menya zovut Scarlet y ya...

Hello, my name is Scarlet and I am a Chronic Homewrecker...

So.

Okay. Over the past couple months of creating musical magic with him, I have begun to develop an enormous artcrush on C. Clearly. We spend a lot of time together. Late nights. Inside jokes. Booze. Booze, because I get self-conscious and stiff when I'm playing for expensive recording equipment, and being tense or stiff or nervous makes you suck, and a couple hefty chugs of vodka really help the situation. He lays down on the floor when I play and closes his eyes and listens. I lay down on the floor and watch him point microphones at speakers and play an electric guitar and six pedals at the same time and then close my eyes and listen to what comes out. He looks like one of the characters in a videogame my brother used to play when we were little. I call him that, as a nickname. He's married. Right now.

On Saturday night a couple weeks ago I went to the studio and there were a couple people there and we were drinking and one of them ended up staying pretty late. He was really funny, the guy, a producer for this really famous hip hop group, but they were talking about all these people they know in common from LA from like the early nineties for hours. Obviously I couldn't add anything to the conversation. The guy also wouldn't really believe I was over nineteen years old, which was kind of annoying. So around midnight I started getting really antsy and pretty bored and realized I actually just wanted to be hanging out with C all night and started pacing a little bit and he noticed, and I went to check my phone a bunch of times and even said I should probably get going and he said why don't you play for us, you should hear her play, it's ridiculous, and I said nah, no, and I went and sat down at it and put my foot on the mute pedal and pressed down on the keys silently like a little brat, and after a few minutes C got up and started pacing a little too and then he sat down next to me on the bench and started playing and I started drawing him on this napkin and when I looked up at him he started kissing me and we sat there kissing like that and not moving, and he was still playing these slow beautiful haunting notes, until he played one really quiet, put his arm around my waist and let the chord linger like that, and I let the pen and napkin fall out of hand and put it on his knee and then he started running his fingers through my hair and I was holding my breath and then he stopped and his friend was still there (apparently TWEETING) and he just goes, "All right, man...."

And so, his friend, amused, made up some excuse about having to go wait for someone somewhere and C went upstairs to let him out and he came back down and looked at me and knelt down and laughed and said,

"Well, I knew that would work!"

And I laughed and then he took my hand and I stood up and he picked me up off the ground and making out with me up against the wall and and and et cetera.........

But not all the way et cetera.... he was totally consumed by guilt at some point.... which surprised me. Considering how he is. And where we met. How I've seen him, around women, and stuff, we'd discussed it before, more sorta jokingly, how I kind of assumed he was a male-slut but, quite the opposite... he's another one, married for six years, totally faithful, in a relationship of more like twenty years on and off...

So we've kind of been prancing around town together, at clubs, the studio, around his music buddies and to restaurants and I've made dinner for him and Madeline loves him and the whole nine, and it's been amazing and I'm thrilled that I'm not, again, in this situation, of sitting across somebody mutually wanting to @*&# and not. (Though, I kind of am...)

But, furthermore... C is not the type to just go around with a girlfriend. I feel like I'm just so used to that, like it's just the standard for me, and I just expect it.

But he's actually now in serious, heavy, no-joke divorce mode, and he says he doesn't want to talk about it and no, it's not about me, it's been a long time coming, and it's gotten so close so many times, and it won't affect anything and don't worry about it, and "trust me-- you are not responsible, okay?"

And I'm like, no, I'm NOT. I'm not. I'm not responsible! I'm not asking anymore questions, and I'm trying not to worry about it, and to believe, that these grownups all around me know what they're doing, that I'm not responsible for anyone (or ANYTWO...) married and working with me whose never been unfaithful, or touched a client-- that these no-ring-wearing, 40-year-old, very-successful MEN will not do anything stupid and blame it on me. And then drop out of my life. After I've trusted them and only them with it.

But... I do worry about it, just a little bit. Just a little. Yeah.

When I dye my hair black
It's not a good sign