Monday, November 8, 2010


And I still have a big old flame burning for Julian.

I just saw him. At Table Top again, where I was studying, or trying to study. I had a dream about him last night, that he changed his car and I couldn't find him, it was silly-- but I knew I'd see him today. He walked by me like usual and didn't say anything and went inside and I wasn't even sure it was him and I kept looking in there and when he came out I sort of gave him a salute/"hi" like ooooookay if you're gonna walk right by me, suit yourself. And he stopped and walked over to me and said, You changed your hair...

And I said, I'm undercover.

And he said What? and leaned in toward me, and I said, undercover.

And he said, it suits you...

And I said, Are you in a hurry?

And he said, I've got a three o' clock, yeah, and I said, Okay well off you go then and he said Okay see you soon, I like your hair, and I laughed.

For the record, I'm not in pain--

I mean-- sure, I'm in some pain sometimes. Sometimes this hurts and I think oh god stupid stupid why are you wasting your youth on these men but- with C, first things first, and first things are my record things. So whatever happens between us and whatever he's going through and whatever I'm going through doesn't interrupt or impede it only enhances. And it really does. And there's NO ONE else in the world that can do what he does. And I've worried before about, well, what now, are you treating me different, is this gonna be a problem, this can't be this is my life this is my life in your hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and every time he says, stop. stop bringing your past disappointments in here. its my life too. its my work too.

And I know to trust him. I haven't been WRONG about whom to trust. And I can't, anyway, fully, I mean, I have high, tall, brick walls up now. Did I see this coming, I'll just say, I didn't NOT see it coming, but, it doesn't matter, it's not the issue, I don't know, I'll deal with it, it's my work, it's my life, it's not bullshit.

And I am in less pain, and less often, than I've been in a while.. so...

And I don't feel bad for his wife. Or for Julian's. Both of them, I just don't understand, married these boring dull women and got the seven-year itch and then it falls apart and I just feel like, that's just the type they go for. When it comes down to commitment.

Is it??


  1. Let me tell you something, and I saying this because that last remark struck a cord. I had an affair of the heart while I was married. It happened much like you described but I never crossed the line. It is no simply because the wife is boring.

    It is hard to resist a beautiful young woman that puts you on a pedestal. One that gives you the attention you are not getting at home. To this day I regret that infatuation. I should have gotten divorced right then. I stayed because I was married with children and it was a commitment I took deeply and I was afraid of change.

    I can't speak for their wives but I know what temptation is, you are a beautiful girl, full of life and you have that power over men they all want to help you. I route for you because you are the hero I follow but who's to say C's wife doesn 't have a compeling story too.

  2. I would agree with Bath that there is another side to every marriage that fails. However - I also think it's important that you continue to not blame yourself for the infidelity of these men. You're right in that it's not just you being a temptress, it's the fact that these men are not being faithful.

    That being said, let me tell you from experience...every girl thinks she is special, and when she dates someone who has cheated before, she assumes that never in a million years could he then turn around and cheat on her. My experience (and the experience of most people I know who have dated men who have cheated) is that cheaters will continue to cheat, even after they are divorced and now dating whomever they choose.

    So just approach this relationship with a little bit of caution, Scarlet...