Sunday, March 6, 2011

I Have Changed.

I'm sitting in the studio right now. I smell like cigarettes, and I taste like the Saltines I was eating all last night when I was nauseous from a vicodin OD.

I don't know how it became an OD, I only took 2 of them, I guess I just had a bad reaction or something... My skin was like burning and everything looked trippy and shiny and I was irritable and nauseous. And my stomach hurt something awful.

My place is a mess, my clothes are all dirty, I have bills due, everything I own is ripped up, my hair is dry and my teeth are fucked up and I really have to go to a doctor at some point. I'm tired of sleeping days away. I'm tired of feeling like this.

Somehow I'm doing okay though.

I had a breakthrough with C.

He called me drunk the other night... Really drunk... Was all aggressive and belligerent saying he loved me and he'd been fucking really pissing me off more and more lately just acting WEIRD and trying to give me guilt trips, and passive aggressive shit, and never working on stuff, and always acting so tense and awful when I was around, and I finally just had it.

I just fucking had it.

I realized, yeah, I thought I had it all made, but you know what, the very thing that I was worried about, that everyone warned about, happened, it happened, and it ruined everything.

And I just accepted that. That might just be the way it was.

And thought through it all, the whole, you know I came a long way, I've still got this going, it was an experience, I learned things, they won't be unlearned or taken away...

And the next day I wrote him that. That ultimately what you're doing is being a shady fucking shitty producer. Trying to act like I'm indebted to you. Dragging your feet. Turning this project you "love so much" that "means everything" to you into a problem, a big, negative, horrible thing, MY world, my everything, and I've been putting up with your shit for months now, and it's been so much pressure, and I've just felt HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. Still strong. Still level. Still proud and positive. But in many ways, fucking horrible.

And that YOU know that this is huge for you too. That you've never done anything like it. And that you, are not where you are today, with respect to your talent, because you've let your emotions, and your fucking bullshit childish shitty attitude and your fears, and your DRINKING, STOP YOU.

So if you want to elevate yourself, and live up to your potential, by working with me, you really have to think about that, and clean up your act, and cut this shit out. Because I'm ready to walk at this point. And if this email freaks you out and sends you into your launch of excuses, I dont want to hear it. And if it sends you running. Well, then you would've run away, sooner than later, after stringing me along a little longer. And I don't want to waste my time.


That's what I wrote him.

And his response.

Was fucking amazing. I mean, the most humble, serious... that was on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning... And since then, it's just been night and day.

He told me, he realized, he was just getting out of control with drinking. He saw everything. He apologized so many times. It was real, and it was honest, and it was sincere. And I wasn't mad. I'm not. At all. I said, "It's okay. It's fine. Nothing happened."

He said, "No, it's not okay. I can't believe I let myself treat you like that... It's not okay."

I said, "Yeah, it wasn't. But it is now."

I hugged him. And he said thank you so much....

And I meant it, and I mean it. And in the past few days, we've sat down here, working, no tension, no attitude, no bullshit, and gotten almost the entire thing edited...

And I just feel so... I don't know. I'm surprised at myself. How strong I've become. And gentle with people. And like... I just feel nothing but tenderness in my heart...

But, I'm tired too. I'm exhausted. And I feel a little bit like... I really deserve it now... Whatever good comes... And I deserve a break...


  1. You are like a flame. You are burning bright right now and everything is attached to you. This is not a bad thing. Some things will come in contact with you a fuel you. Others will get caught by you burst into ash.

    You number one priority is to continue making sure you don't burn out. Take care of yourself. This is C's opportunity to either fuel you or burn himself. By fueling you he also allows for others to come along and fuel him.

    Once you start seeing yourself as a flame burning bright you'll start to understand why so many are attracted to you (and I mean that in an all encompassing sense right now).

    You do deserve the good just hang in there and don't let things snuff you out.

  2. I'm glad he put his money where his mouth was. First sign of a loser is someone who can't do anything they promise to do. Well, maybe that's not the first sign. But it is a big clue.

  3. Boy I'm sure glad I talked you into writing in here again...*hears pin drop*