It wasn't bad. I went boogie-boarding in the ocean and got an hour and a half massage by this amazing guy who came to the house. And clothes.
Paul seemed I dunno kinda bitter or something. He's just not someone I connect to. There's just some blockage there aside from all the other things.
My cat was so happy to see me.
I got her some new litter, her food, we purred for a bit... I need to see Julian. I'm not going to talk about this ongoing semi-repetitive and escalating but possibly dead-end road ad infinitum... I just need to see him. I don't know what he wants from me. I want everything for him, even just to talk to him as a friend if that's how it is. I'm not going to say anymore about this. He teased the dickens out of me on Friday. Well, I'll say... Cuz. Fuck it. This is scarletonthecouch after all....
When I saw him on Tuesday he was weird, because, I hadn't written him at all. I had decided I was just being ridiculous the whole time, in spite of everything. And I didn't write him. And he canceled, and ignored my emails that were totally legit scheduling questions, which is just unprofessional, until I finally sent him one being like, Ok, what is this nonsense. What if I were having a nervous breakdown right now.
And apparently he called me and told me 6 pm had opened up Monday and I could just come in if I wanted but I didn't get his message... So when I came in Tuesday, secretary-scheduled, he was all cold.... And at some point in the conversation he said, "So... you haven't been writing... At least, not to me..."
And I said, "No."
And he said, "Why."
And I shrugged.
And he said, "That looked like a shrug that was hiding an answer..."
And I said, "You know, I'm just like, the pleasure of writing, each punch of the key is accompanied by a punch to the face. Cuz what am I DOING."
And he said... "Are you being kind to yourself? Punching yourself in the face."
So we got on that topic.
So I wrote him. I wrote him, romantic, intellectual, daydream, comedy, love sonnets, quizzes, I wrote him constantly. So when I write him these romantic things... Usually... He's a little more, flirty, dominant, teasy, cocky... when I see him.
So Friday was another full-on tproomsex-day, stare-stare seduce, not just me getting sorta.... bothered... he was too... shifting himself, hand on his thigh and leg crossed over it, moving his chair a bunch of times and sort of laying on it... standing up and sitting next to me, for a second, (now he's done this a couple times), getting up and lingering so we're standing close, at the end of the session, instead of him going straight for the door... he'll kinda stand up, stand over me on the couch as I put my shoes back on (I always take them off) and when I get up, we'll stand there, and tease each other about something, and all this followed by the enormous Julianistic tease of:
Ok... I have a proposition for you, Scarlet...
Why don't you...
Take your letter. And walk outside. And take it to the mailbox yourself.
(referring to this insurance letter thing)
..............so. that's my julian update. that's what I got. I know it's his birthday sometime around now. I wrote him this funny letter. about if he goes to some family themed restaurant, please dont let the migrant laborer underpaid el salvadorian busboys, and his musical theatre trained waiter stand around atonally screaming happy birthday. cuz those guys make like a buck fifteen an hour. hah.