Thursday, June 10, 2010

There aren't even any mommies here.

In this town I mean. Or, I guess I don't have any friends in town whose mommies are local. Just a bunch of vagrants.

I thought about that because yesterday Elena told me how her mom was like, Why did Scarlet buy her ticket so late! That's not enough time to be there, after making such a long trip, why doesn't she just extend her ticket and stay with us for a few days, she can teach Lenny English, we can give her that money instead of getting a tutor! And I was like, why did SCARLET buy her ticket so late?? I bought it like two days after a you, I could've bought it MONTHS before when it was actually like three hundred dollars cheaper... But anyway she was like, you KNOW my mom wants to adopt you right? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I know the drill, and I won't take it as a compliment to either of us. Like that always happens to me with people's parents, and I know that on some level they're just using me as a pawn to play against their own children, to make themselves look cool, to be like, look, I can talk to her about my career and all these adult things, and she's so polite and responsible, poor thing, see, she's gone through so much and STILL, and why aren't YOU like that, hmm?? And Elena laughed and I said it to make her laugh, because I knew that was what she was worried about, and because it's partly true...

And I was like, and I know they do that and it's obviously like, because, with their own kids, it's like, well, because you don't scream at her for being late to dinner and taking the more expensive train the second she walks in the door and she's not like, OMG why are you screaming at me the second she walks in the door and you're not like criticizing her boyfriend and she's not like OMG MOM! You never RESPECT ANYONE I bring home!!! Because she's not your actual DAUGHTER, that's why, that's why we can't talk about your career all polite-like. And she laughed and was like, God, you nailed it, how come you always understand everything?

And I'm like, because I have hours and hours to sit alone and observe and imagine and think about it all, and because I'm ALWAYS a guest in someone's house. That's why.

Whenever I'm in a place I always gravitate to the nearest June Cleaver or Jewish mother in the vicinity and just like attach to their bosom. And they always want to adopt me and my friend/boyfriend at the time is like, GOD, my parents LOVE you... like, with a little resentment when I was a little kid which got less and less as we grew up and became genuine like, Scarlet! You're family, you know that, right? Which always made me wanna cry. Because like, I am, but I'm not, I was always the kid that everyone's parents liked and especially liked because they kind of felt bad for, and I always knew that and knew also that I was always so respectful and well-behaved because I was truly grateful for the hospitality, more so than like, an eight year-old probably should be.

I mean and even recently, like last year, with Scott, and the year before with Sean, and with my exes before that, they always liked me, and ask about me, and I was invited over all the time, by all of them, even Scott's and Ryan's who they'd say never invited anyone over... and I'd always get an early introduction... I mean I've even met CAM'S parents, and sister already, on different occasions, who were each here for only a couple days, when I'd only known Cam for a couple weeks, the second time we went out, and then months later when we weren't even dating... And I'd always feel a little weird with the boyfriends', because I knew that affection was totally conditional, and the inevitable heartache that much worse... So, it was a double-edged sword, but still, I dunno, it made me feel a little less of an alien... and a little more of one...


I don't wanna think about this right now.

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