Ohmygod

I hate that this blog is limited to like one topic, once every 3 months... there are other things in life... but this one, is just, obviously very important to me, and I REALLY can't talk about it anywhere else, but.

Omg. Julian is totally obsessed. He has goes on my blog every single day, sometimes two or three or more times, from work, and reads things over again.

Of course, I, am also completely obsessed. (Of course.) And it took some thrifty detective work (and a full, deep understanding of the way 'cookies' are logged on my traffic counter) for me to realize it.

So what the fuck?!?

It's been over six months since I saw him last. And there have been all these coincidences, now, looking back, that I've cracked this code......... I can't get him out of my head, and I have tried and been trying, and the reason I can't is because my obsession is feeding off of his and vice versa and it's like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sometimes

for all concerned:

officially, have been sweating and in love with and fantasizing and occasionally having odd flirtations with J, for the past... since I stopped "seeing" him as a client, in September.

officially done.

but really this time.

like. its been laid out and said flat out and he wants nothing to do with me...

i could explain more of how this came about. but i dont want to right now.

and i'll be fine. i think.

sorry i havent been writing... well i cant be sorry... cuz ive been working like a dog... like 30 hour days at the studio... like one afternoon into the next evening... we're getting so much done... and big shows coming up... writing and playing music for commercials now too... so then ill be up for 2 days and then i'll sleep for 14 hours or something... and then i have my sociolinguistics which is such an advanced class and the other students are so good i really have to put in the time...

sigh

all this good shit came about today but for some reason im just in a foul stinking and sad mood... i know its just chemicals and hormones out of wack so i'm aware of that cuz theres not much to be upset about... but still, when the Feeling happens, it just is. and im positively anhedonic.

what else can i say. i still miss julian like an idiot. he sent me an email out of the blue. but it was blank. maybe just a mistake. whatever i really dont wanna think about it.

thats it. want this day over.

I Have Changed.

I'm sitting in the studio right now. I smell like cigarettes, and I taste like the Saltines I was eating all last night when I was nauseous from a vicodin OD.

I don't know how it became an OD, I only took 2 of them, I guess I just had a bad reaction or something... My skin was like burning and everything looked trippy and shiny and I was irritable and nauseous. And my stomach hurt something awful.

My place is a mess, my clothes are all dirty, I have bills due, everything I own is ripped up, my hair is dry and my teeth are fucked up and I really have to go to a doctor at some point. I'm tired of sleeping days away. I'm tired of feeling like this.

Somehow I'm doing okay though.

I had a breakthrough with C.

He called me drunk the other night... Really drunk... Was all aggressive and belligerent saying he loved me and he'd been fucking really pissing me off more and more lately just acting WEIRD and trying to give me guilt trips, and passive aggressive shit, and never working on stuff, and always acting so tense and awful when I was around, and I finally just had it.

I just fucking had it.

I realized, yeah, I thought I had it all made, but you know what, the very thing that I was worried about, that everyone warned about, happened, it happened, and it ruined everything.

And I just accepted that. That might just be the way it was.

And thought through it all, the whole, you know I came a long way, I've still got this going, it was an experience, I learned things, they won't be unlearned or taken away...

And the next day I wrote him that. That ultimately what you're doing is being a shady fucking shitty producer. Trying to act like I'm indebted to you. Dragging your feet. Turning this project you "love so much" that "means everything" to you into a problem, a big, negative, horrible thing, MY world, my everything, and I've been putting up with your shit for months now, and it's been so much pressure, and I've just felt HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. Still strong. Still level. Still proud and positive. But in many ways, fucking horrible.

And that YOU know that this is huge for you too. That you've never done anything like it. And that you, are not where you are today, with respect to your talent, because you've let your emotions, and your fucking bullshit childish shitty attitude and your fears, and your DRINKING, STOP YOU.

So if you want to elevate yourself, and live up to your potential, by working with me, you really have to think about that, and clean up your act, and cut this shit out. Because I'm ready to walk at this point. And if this email freaks you out and sends you into your launch of excuses, I dont want to hear it. And if it sends you running. Well, then you would've run away, sooner than later, after stringing me along a little longer. And I don't want to waste my time.

...............................................................................................

That's what I wrote him.

And his response.

Was fucking amazing. I mean, the most humble, serious... that was on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning... And since then, it's just been night and day.

He told me, he realized, he was just getting out of control with drinking. He saw everything. He apologized so many times. It was real, and it was honest, and it was sincere. And I wasn't mad. I'm not. At all. I said, "It's okay. It's fine. Nothing happened."

He said, "No, it's not okay. I can't believe I let myself treat you like that... It's not okay."

I said, "Yeah, it wasn't. But it is now."

I hugged him. And he said thank you so much....
----------------------------------------------------------------------

And I meant it, and I mean it. And in the past few days, we've sat down here, working, no tension, no attitude, no bullshit, and gotten almost the entire thing edited...

And I just feel so... I don't know. I'm surprised at myself. How strong I've become. And gentle with people. And like... I just feel nothing but tenderness in my heart...

But, I'm tired too. I'm exhausted. And I feel a little bit like... I really deserve it now... Whatever good comes... And I deserve a break...

another issue ive been yearning to get off the proverbial chest is that C is driving me up the fuck a wall. i dont even wanna get started about all the ways in which he has passive aggressively tried to control me and diminish my creative control, or the fact that he's in love with me or in some sort of fucking HAZE of adulation and fear of being alone and having a midlife crisis and finally doing a project on the scale of which he is worthy instead of sitting in his studio writing jingles.

he like, really thinks, that the songs are "ours". you know what, i'm willing to eat it on my first record. the truth is unchangeable. people will know it eventually.

i'm finally speaking to my lawyer tomorrow. it's a freebie. associate of my ex. so i dont know how in detail i'll get about this WACKED the FUCK out contract, or the fact that there's you know, friendship manipulative emotional ploy shit going on and that i dont want to be backhanded either....

but.

that, yeah.

and furthermore...

i wanna like... invite some of my other followers but you need their emails... and i wanna like... just speak freely again... ive kept everything in for so long. auto-business-face.

something like an update

career successes notwithstanding. im a mess, sorta, right now. though never as much of a mess as i used to be. how much of a mess can you be when you're suddenly jolted to a-list producer, engineer, a crazy microphone, a fucking ORCHESTRA playing your music, legendary studio and a Yamaha C7 grand.

and in addition to your own voice your own songs your own thoughts and lyrics and melodies being given a sort of, UNANIMOUSLY glowing reception, you're about to get paid an arm and a leg too?

most of which initially is recoupable to all these other people, but whatever.

you have a top lawyer from nyc representing you for free.

you'll be fine.

and then on top of that. your engineer wants you playing CLASSICAL piano for a record tour.

well.

and when you co-produced, co-wrote, and starred in a film all about it thats going to be playing at a huge festival in europe in the fall.

just before you turn 25.

not much really can you?

...................................................................................................................

you're too busy to really think about it but you have no more outlet except your songs which you've become increasingly cautious about playing in front of anyone at all, because you know the dollar signs in their eyes want to somehow insure their take, and their credit, on something you wrote and performed before you even met them...

..............................................................................................................................

and you have no more outlet because all these people have found your blog so you have to shut it down.

...........................................................................................

and you have no more outlet because you can no longer see or talk to your shrink

........................................................................................................

and you're having a sexless quasi-relationship with your producer who's officially fucking left his wife disclaimers notwithstanding ("please, c, i am NOT responsible for any of this. remember that. please.")

...............................................................................................................................

and you've reached official STALKED level about JD.

.........................................................................................................................

you know he's been checking you out online a lot.

googling you. you know cuz you have a traffic monitor on your music blog. and you're such a stalker that you've looked at the headers of every email he ever sent you and wrote down ever single IP address. and then you look for similar ones on your traffic count.

and then you find a few.

but you only found them after you wrote him to check out the videos on it. and it was a complete coincidence, that he actually checked them out for the first time, like an hour before you wrote him.
.................................................................................................................................

and then, you figured out what his OS was.

......................................................................................................

and like two days ago, a lightbulb went off, and you started looking back at the logs, and seeing these weird countries. and they had the same OS he does. and it's not a common one. and you checked them out. and realized they were phony proxy servers.

..................................................................................................................................

your last legit communication was a thank you card he sent you, from his house, for a cd you sent. spoon. "transference." he made a couple weird references.

you never see his car at the office lately.

you drive around his house.

you saw a stroller at the front door last week.

Hey if you can't read this and want to, email me!

OK so I'm back on.... I neeeed this.... I have NOT been able to write because too many people found it and started reading... it's been really frustrating...

Thank you Bathwater for the wake-up call-- whosever e-mail I could get I've added onto the permissions list, but there are a bunch of followers whose emails I don't know, so... but yes.. I'm back... reporting live from the streets paved with gold...

xo
S-O

Does anything prevent scarring?

The demons come, they came to me last night.

When the demons come they want to ruin my face and they want to ruin my hands.

Demons are like heat-seeking missiles; they charge for the whitest light... I hurled myself against the gate, and bled, my face is covered in huge scratches and I hope they don't scar.

The demons come from the people dearest to you, your favorite light. Sometimes they are powerful and they overwhelm you, possess you, as they leave the person across the table... The person across the table says, Wow. All the pain and worries... you just made them go away... We spoke and now they're sitting in the ashtray.

Yes, you say. But you feel on edge... You feel sad... You feel exhausted... And two days later, you find yourself in so much pain and filled with so much darkness and rage and you feel them trying to siege at the person across the room. The person with so much light.

But you fight them... So you fight yourself... You watch yourself try to destroy you. The demons want to ruin my face, and to ruin my hands, and they wanted it so intensely I hurled myself against the gate, I scratched my fingernails slowly and deeply down my face, I punched the concrete and banged my head on it 15 times.

The person across the room didn't want to take on the pain; he stood there and watched and didn't stop me once.

I don't know if they are gone; I don't know if he, is now on edge, sad, exhausted.

I only know my face is covered in bruises and deep scratches. And it hurts to play the piano.

Does anything prevent scarring, can anything keep it from scarring me now...

Let it be written and let it be done

Laaaa, okay. Laaa, ugh, what to say?

On the last leg of work-in-progress, the last push, and there were the holidays, and then Elena's coming here Friday for 5 days, for NYE, and I'm stoked, but, I'm in such a work mode, gahhh... I'll definitely be wanting to go into the stoody at least some of those days, and she's welcome to come but I know she won't wanna come more than once and just sit there for hours, it'll be boring... but... good good all good things I just really wanna finish before my b-day.

And I have to get back to Work-Work a little. CASH-POOR. And I have no time right now nor do I wanna interrupt the flow. And I don't wanna drink. And I don't wanna party.

MEHHHHHHHHHHHHH

When it rains it f.n. pours.

To Bathwater: Your turn to say I told you so.

So Bathwater once commented on one of my frantic Julian posts and said that "now [i'll] go on holding his perfect unattainable image as this romantic ideal, and no one will ever be able to live up to the fantasy."

Well B. I think you were right. I've been secretive in this blog largely because I've been busy, with all the stuff I've been working on, just no time or privacy or energy to write, also superstition and not wanting to write about the actual work, cuz it's boring to talk about art, and because some people have found it...

But the thing is. I still have these feelings for J, I've had them intensely, and I realize it is something I'm holding onto that serves some weird purpose but... maybe it's time to let it go, for real.

So. Maybe it's time to let it go for real.

go ahead and say it:

Still here, still weird

Heh.

Yes, I've had to be veiled and secretive. But one possible lurker has just sworn on a stack of bibles they'd stop haunting the place. And I believe him. So, you know who you are, if you're reading this right now, shame on you, it ain't gonna do ya any good, and it's just precisely the very thing I've told you I find disrespectful and unappealing AND, there's a difference between deceit, and keeping secrets, and simply wanting mental privacy; allow me to have my thoughts. They'll only hurt you if you sniff around where you oughtn't.

Anyhoo.

Quite enough on that.

I am currently AT Table Top, and have resigned to the fact that I probably won't see Julian today... Just a feeling... I dunno... It being the holidays and all I wasn't even sure if he'd be in town, but I lurked the parking lot and indeed I see his car. Well, who knows.

About the Christmas card--- next post :-)

Merry Christmas everyone. Or did I already... I dunno... I don't have any plans :-( Sad, huh? I'll do something though. And Elena's coming here for 5 days for new years!!!! Wahoo!!!

Unusual Activity.

I tried signing in just now and was told google had detected unusual activity on my account.

I changed my pw and shit. But this is really beginning to piss me off...

Sigh...

I wanna get done with my projects and start seeing the sun again and even going back to work and just normalizing out a little out of this (albeit amazing and wonderful but) hole.

I feel kinda sleepy all the time.

And I haven't seen any people in ages.

Merry Christmas to everyone though--

Love you all.

S-)O

the solstice and lunar eclipse and prayers for rain

So last night was a full moon and a full lunar eclipse and the winter solstice in one night, and i've been signed up for this shit for months... but my outpoured soul is raining down on los angeles, and has been for so long i can't even remember, really... whenever i think about...

i want to write about...

but, i have to be alone at home. and i'm not right now... at the studio, decided that fuck-all if overstaked people are reading my shit. it's a bad idea, and they won't get anything out of it. but yeah. no writing about my secret other lover two feet away from my other lover.

i love playing the piano more than anything in the whole wide world.

i'm gonna try to go stake out JD tomorrow. haven't really been able to with these sheets of rain. which always accompany and coincide with a particular tone of feeling i get about him...

okay.

I am at just about my last straw here. I can't even write anything on here because it's not private anymore, and so many people can read it. Not that they are, but they have, and who knows. I don't trust anyone. All our hard work will go to shit because someone is being a real fucking child. I'm trying to do everything in my power to just pretend this behavior isn't extremely wrong and fucked up but it's really difficult, to try to WORK, and be a fucking den mother to everybody's fragile egos. Ugh.

k, no, i'm gonna be back and writing real soon.

i have this cursed final tonight, and then i'm gonna be REAL free. well no. not at all. still a lot to do but this class was really just making it all impossible.

wheeeeeeeeee.

TwinSpeaks

So, the text conversation I had with C just now whilst at Table Top, where I went to study for today's final (not without hope of a Julian sighting, whose Christmas card I'll address in the next post...) as follows (C is in italics):

1 36: Feeling better???

1 48: Yes, quite a bit better than yesterday... Still slightly weakened but nothing like the alien takeover... You?

1 53: Zantar pennum kerxi nooptik. Vrzypo jheex meupplo!

1 54: Oh nicht! Still that bad??

1 55: Nope. Xlnt actually. They're just still in me brain. Coming down the hill very soon.

1 56: In your brain as in there to fester, or on your mind, as in you'll be sending them a dozen roses sometime soon? Haha. Ew omg Gargamel is sitting in my coffee shop!!!

1 57: Btw there's a luktar stuck in my right ear. Though his buddies peace'd already, he's sticking around.

1 57: No!!! Gargamel is at the table top????

1 58: But now we understand, it's a bit of a ghey hangout, no?

2 13: Dway, but what a red letter day!! The mystery of old Gargle solved at last. But it also means he terrorizes my spot. There's the rub.

2 14: Urgh, I had sent that text 20 minutes ago and was just apprised it didn't go through due to a "packet error." Sounds like something in my R homework.

2 19: Well we've got ourselves a new phrase for our arsenal. It works in many relevant situations.

2 20: Yes. Saturday evening a packet error caused a temporary lapse in sanity.

2 23: Ha! And I dropped a packet error directly below the clickclack.

2 24: HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

2 28: Speaking of luktars, I still have three of 'em taking a gentle/prenatal yoga class on my forehead, and a couple wet monkeys swinging on my tonsils.

2 31: Lo siento mucho!!! Thought it was just a 24 hr bug.



So that's how me and C converse. Like we were raised in the wilderness together.

Translations available upon request.



And yes, L&G. I'm baaaa-aaaack.


Love and languages,

Scarlet O

a pain in the buttbones.

Soooo, we've all been away for a while it seems. Falltime. Always busy for every bee.

My bed is crap. It's shite. I slept on the floor last night, and I feel okay for the first time in... months?

I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac; I just ignore shit 'til it goes away; I'm never sick (well I'm sick sometimes... but its almost always just the direct cause of drug or alcohol withdrawal... hahaha) and I've never had any conditions or anything (hear no see no speak no jinx). So I've actually had mad pain of the Buttbone for like, months, it hurts when I'm sitting down, after like 20 minutes... I have to stand up or shift around-- it REALLY hurts. Like a mother. And I've been saying in the Buttbone, cuz I couldn't really tell what the fuck it was. And I just assumed it was from taking vicoshit or some kind of muscular overuse from dancing or running like a maniac or a wrong move in yoga....

And then C one day after sleeping in my bed was like... Now I have that thing too... the pain in the buttbone, haha, and I've never had it before... I think it's your BED...

So... I laid down that night... and realized it hurt like a snatch cuz the PoS it so saggy and droopy my whole butt just droops down into the center. And like... I wasn't sure WHY that made it hurt but it seemed like it FN did. And after some extensive google searching, I found the exist fucking symptoms, and its called piniformis syndrome and its a pain in the buttbone, a gluteal glitch, said it happens to athletes and its caused by forward moving sports because the legs move in the direction so much those muscles hypertrophy and make other muscles around them asymmetrically weak (and I fucking was always saying my buttmuscle is hypertrophied if anyone remembers cuz of the ghetto booty and the pain in the buttbone and I thought I made that word up, like, it was a joke) and my BED, makes my legs just go forward all the time like I'm SKIING cuz my BUTT is sunk 3 feet lower than my knees!! Eureeeka!!! and THEN it said it was hard to treat a certain way cuz the piniformis is such a deep muscle (and THATS why it feels like its in the BONES.) So obviously my bed-- is shit. Its a hammock. A hamstrungout hammock, that fucks the hamstrings, and causes piniformis syndrome, which I'm godsworn I had. GODSWORN.

And some people go to like PHYSICAL THERAPY over this and take BOTOX injections locally to relax their buttbone and some even go to FN surgery, but like I'm just stretching and sitting differently and conscious of my buttbones being tight and deliberately relaxing them cuz I'm not retarded, and I can do that, so it's going away.

Ugh.

I CANNOT afford a new mattress.

Hear No, See No, Speak No Evil.

hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil

magic.

i'm feeling positively mansine.

interesting discussion w p tonight about magic powers, magic powers accessed, magic powers understood, magic powers gone haywire.... all relevant topics right now. sigh!!!