Ode to Dr House

Saturday evening just watching Hugh Laurie
I wont go to work and I know I'll be sorry
Cuz watching the good doctor popping pills
Is not gonna feed me or pay the bills

I haven't been in there in twenty-two daze
A lot going on now and I need to glaze
Let my toes uncurl and my jaw go slack
As the credits roll open to Massive Attack....

Boo-hoo, baby.

Okay I'm waterworks. Granted I have PMS right now and a general mood disorder. I just wanna talk to Elena. I FINALLY, I don't know what happened, I dialed her number up and it called. Long distance. It's never worked before. I've been e-mailing her for months to call me. Well like a month and a half. She promised she wouldn't just disappear again. And she's the only person I want to talk to, and need to talk to, right now. And it worked. She's going to call me back. She said in an hour. I need to talk to her NOW. Oh well if she doesn't call me back I can CALL HER. How's that?! If it works again, that is. I'm so upset. I don't know why. Maybe this is bad. I imagined Julian telling me he couldn't see me anymore yesterday and I broke down. He was nice today, he was funny, gentle, kind of vague, but, I realize everything he says can be seen any way I like, anything. I can SEE it. Honestly, I can FEEL it, how he feels. But I just can't trust it, and the way he answers everything, his almost lawyer-rate ambiguity, it just makes me doubt it... and I don't know what it matters, what I can do, but- oh my god- he even mentioned today "there isn't even really a hard-and-fast rule about dual relationships... seeing your therapist outside the office setting..." But yeah, I guess today I just felt like he's going to stop liking me, if he likes me, if I don't say something. So today we stared at each other and he said, what are you thinking? It looks like you're editing. I said Of course I'm editing. He laughed. He said, what are you editing? I said, you KNOW what I'm editing, we don't need to dwell on it. He laughed, hah, We don't need to dwell on what you're editing because I know what you're editing? He said, Why, why can't you express it? And I exasperatedly said, Julian I just can't. And he laughed at that too, and then he said, well, maybe your trouble expressing this is something to look at it, maybe we could work on being more assertive...

And that's when I wanted to slap him. I said, okay. You want me to be assertive. I'll be star-patient, ok, he laughed... I asked him if he was in therapy. He said no, not now, he'd done it before though, once with an old man who had really wanted to become a sailor so he became a sailor and then became a therapist and then master of his own universe, and I laughed, and then once with woman, because he wanted to challenge himself and it was less comfortable, and she was close to his age, and I thought he was going to say the challenge was, you know, being attracted to her, but he quickly said, Because I'm really contemptuous of other psychologists, so I wanted to get over that, I laughed at that, wait you're really contemptuous of--? My colleagues.. I mean I was.. Ohhh, I thought you were going to say... I'm contemptuous of women?? No! Of course not! I just didn't get what you mean the challenge was... but, close to your age, I get it, like-- It was a challenge for me-- To like leave the competition out of it, I see, I said. Yes, he said ... and then he asked why I wanted to know and I said, Because I was curious about how you see-- oh, I don't know. Laugh.

So then I said Okay. Well. Another question was, how long have you known how I've felt... About what? ABOUT YOU. About me, oh, I kind of felt it for a few months... and intensifying... but I wasn't sure... The first time I really suspected it was when you got so mad when I interrupted you, and then your e-mail, all the comparisons, like the girlie pictures, the bars, were about men or kind of romantically-oriented... so... and, you used the word 'heartbroke.'

And HE used the word heartbroke! Heartbroke is not a word-- it's one of my words. He didn't automatically rephrase as heartbroken... He remembers it, and my e-mails... though like a detective, kind of, I guess how he would have to analyze...

And I tried to bring it up, he said, but you didn't go there, so I thought maybe I was wrong...

And did you have a plan, of what to do about it?

Yes.

And that was...?

To wait and see if that was the issue, to be prepared, if you were going to go there...

Well, that makes me feel stupid...

Stupid? Why?

Like, you were watching my behavior, for this, strategizing, until I got to this point and then use my feelings to address the next issue to be sorted through...

That's not what I said... I just meant I was trying to be present and aware...

OK. So. This thing I noticed, I'll be sitting here, and you're holding the Minnesota Multiple Personalities Inventory- I know that's not what it's called- and you're sitting here, and I like lean toward you, and you move away like this-- and I jumped over on the couch, like he did.

I wasn't aware of that- it's just- well in therapy, I had this one woman who got really uncomfortable and I've heard of a lot of doctors that sexually harass women and, well I might not have even been aware of it, I wasn't even, at the time, confident that you felt...

It wasn't when I took the test, it was afterwards, reviewing it, it wasn't that long ago... Do you shake clients' hands?

Yes- usually when I meet them-- I do...

You didn't shake mine.

I know, okay, that might be another thing with young pretty women...

Okay...

There's no hard and fast rule about...

Contact?

No, like with children, you have to hug them and hold their hands and-

Of course...

I think you're thinking of the rule about-- well there's no hard and fast rule about that either, these days-- about dual relationships. You know what I mean... seeing your therapist outside the office setting...(Julianpause) I mean there are exceptions in like small towns, or in the transgendered community... If you're a transgendered therapist you'd never have any friends because they'd all be seeing you as a therapist...

And I laughed.

Well, our time is winding down. And next week I accidentally, put someone in the 5 o clock slot-

I have your check-

Oh- so, I'll have to call you about the time, Tuesday is fine, but I have to wait for a cancellation, there will be...

Here.

Oh, thank you...

Can I shake your hand?

Sure...

::shake::

... and I walked out... no door, again...

That sucked.

Seeing Julian today; I just sucked. He was being lovely... Though he had an answer for everything, rationalized down to nothing, making a lot of sense, but not saying anything. And I am just straight-up crabby, he told me I had all these questions and maybe I should work on being more assertive and asking them... He's just doing his therapist thing all the time, maybe I misinterpreted everything. I asked if he's in therapy, he's not, he asked why I asked... I asked about the jumping back away from me when he sat next to me, he said it was a therapy thing, young pretty women who've had negative experiences with doctors hitting on them might feel uncomfortable... He's just doing his thing, it's therapy, and I need to get over it.

Note to Jessica Aguirre, soon to be Leyenda:

She wrote me an e-mail this morning asking what I had done for her... after my response yesterday saying I was surprised she'd want to blow off a friendship based on the one "decision"...

I haven't responded yet but I'm probably going to say, I don't know, I didn't look at it that way, I've just tried to be there, etc...

But how about THIS: Aside from the hours listening to inflated unrealistic career plans, and actually teach her a routine, and working on her song with her, and teaching techniques, and giving advice about performing, well, what about her coming MARRIAGE??? I've been friends with Manny for years and been getting his side of the Jess story from the beginning... Even before I knew her, I thought she sounded like good news, and always stuck up for her, trying explain her side of the story to him, her perspective, telling him all her good qualities, there were even a couple blowout fights there in the beginning when she was pushing him away and he was like totally done with it, her lashing out and disappearing, and I was like, she just wants attention and assurance that you care, she has a wall up, and he'd be like she's saying it's over, and I'd be like she's freaking out, just give it a couple days, and then call her again, like it didn't happen... And she told me a while ago, that she always pushed people away, but for some reason Manny was always just there-- she was like, I'd do my thing, and freak out and storm off, and then a couple days later, he was always there like, 'hi...' So that made me feel good. And when she was trying to be a model and taking pictures with sketchy guys and he thought she was cheating on him I knew she wasn't and was like no way, she just wants to feel desired... And when she gets on his case to quit his job and become a professional photographer (" ") like all these hacks she knows who are certainly NOT, I'd be like she just wants best for you, and then I'd explain to her that he's an artist, and has no ego, and doesn't care, and that you can't really make money with art unless you take somewhere commercial, and always mediating their arguments and telling them both each others' great qualities.

Well, being their only mutual close friend, I think it all really helped... And if course she doesn't and will never know about it. How's that for being a friend? More important than giving presents. But of course I didn't even think about that. Because I don't keep count. And I'm never gonna tell her, because some things he told me in confidence, because some would make her feel bad, because I don't want to answer. Because that's not the point. Well, she'll realize it soon I think.

Sorry, had to vent.

Julian in an hour.

Lah and Ladida
Scarlet-O

Everything in its right place....

I did everything right today. Class and errands, bought my psych book, printed out my contract with the studio, sent a bunch of letters, saw a couple people I needed to say, played piano for ages and came up with stuff I love and practiced and I've still got yoga and a run to do but I'll do it...

My boss from the club called me Tuesday night, he's always cool as shit, asked what was going on so I said I'll go Saturday so I will.

Jess doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore. I told her I'd help her make an audition tape for some show, help her with the singing and the dance routine. I told her ages ago and she never tried to get together to work on it and when the day rolled around, it was like two and a half weeks ago, she called me a few nights before and was like are you ready and then told me it would take all day, that it was three hours away (she couldn't find a studio in town??) and her friend would be doing makeup and all this SHIT that was never part of the deal... She expected me to drive to her house, almost and hour away at like five in the morning so we could leave to be there at eight, and that we'd "wrap" by 5 pm and I'd get home at EIGHT to be dropped off at work, on my one day off, the morning after a concert, the week I started school. I was like, Oh god babe this is really freaking me out, it's going to be REALLY hard, can you find someone else? If not, I'm there, ok?

And she says, "I'm not gonna get butt-sore [sic] or anything, I can find someone else, it's fine, if not I'll let you know..."

So I said, "Ok, COOL!" OBVIOUSLY. And hoped she'd find someone.

Well, I didn't hear anything back from her, so I asked Manny and he said the audition was cool, though they messed up the tape, yadiyadi, he wasn't there, but he didn't know of any kind of problem she had with me... So I wrote her, and she wrote back, HIGH AND F'IN MIGHTY, how she had decided to ask someone else, because of what I showed with my decision.

Okay, fuck me, I didn't even MAKE a decision, I more like begged to be excused. We've been friends for a while now, and now that I think about it, she's spent a good portion of our time together talking about her "career" which is not a career at all, while I sat there and bit my tongue, having been a professional PERFORMER since I was sixteen, in the ballet COMPANY, and a band, for a living, and she has absolutely no respect for what I've accomplished despite supposedly being on the same "path..." She doesn't ask me about it, anything I've done, important things according to people who are in it, she sits there and tells me how to get an agent, and that oh, she's not gonna study dance, or bother with an instrument, she's going to do commercials to make some money first... She's NOT an actress, she's not a dancer, she's not a singer, it's a lark for her, and she called me self-absorbed??? I don't talk about a goddamn thing with her, she doesn't know about my music, she doesn't know what my JOB is, she doesn't know about Julian of course, but I mean, I don't talk about my work with people-- it's tacky-- it's not interesting, or relatable. I talk about music with other musicians, dance with dancers, writing with writers, exploring it together, the difficulties and the beauty and the path... She sits there and regurgitates this stuff these phony ignorant teachers tell her in these one-day seminar classes, and reads self-help books, and doesn't listen to anything I say the few times I say it, and it's just painful and insulting and inconsiderate, and I don't even know if we were ever close at all now... Then she talks about the things she's done for me and that I needed to give back??? She's given me a trash bag of old clothes that are 4 sizes too big for me-- as if I'm homeless-- and decals for my wall (an object I couldn't even identify, or as Manny says, SWADW (shit we all don't want)), and made me business cards for Christmas which I would never use, but she's been generous, but I didn't know she was keeping COUNT... And I don't have anything to give, I don't live with a fiance who takes care of my shit, I didn't grow up anywhere near here, I don't have family here, I'm pursuing 10 million things all alone and if she ever thought about my life she'd realize a lot of these sacrifices are for the "path," are for music, were for dance, and a lot of them are NOT by choice, and I don't have SHIT, and my headlights are falling off my car, so no, I don't send out Christmas cards. This just really upset me. But whatever.

Hmmph.

I can't fight gravity today... I'm debating on whether to go to my make-up ballet class or not... I'm just so tired, and it would be the advanced class... and it's been five years... I don't remember that stuff... It would just be makeup the class...

I did nothing but dream about Julian yesterday.. well I cleaned a little and did homework, and went to my Psych class, which was funny this time, and played piano... but I thought about him a lot. I wonder if I've been misreading him all along... if all he meant by what he said was that he knows it's been hard for me, but that that makes me who I am now? "In some ways I wish you hadn't... But then we wouldn't be here today, so..." It could mean anything. Along with everything else he said, and how he was acting, and how he's been with me, all along, it seems pretty clear what he was referring to. And when I'm with him, ah, the connection (and sexual tension. Ohlord.) is so strong I have no doubts about it and I leave his office feeling so alive... But now, I just wonder if I'm projecting my own feelings on him, seeing what I want to see, people have certainly done that with me.

He told me yesterday, With regards to the e-mails... if there's something you want to ask me, or to bring up, you have to bring it up in here... I understand that... and now it also DAWNED on me that he CAN'T respond in e-mails. For a million reasons, one of which is so obvious, for professional reasons, he can't reveal anything any kind of reaction or opinion or anything but purely impersonal psych-speak which is so unlike him in person.

I just have so much to say to him. And it doesn't come out. I need to just buck up. I don't know what this shy business is... I'm a stripper for godssake. And I've never felt so exposed in my life, as I do sitting across from him in that office.

Love and Leaves and Lorries rollin' by...

Scarlet-O

Okay.

Ok, fine he did say something. He said, I feel when I talk to you, we connect very well... intellectually... and I feel your brilliance and your passion, and I think you have a hungry mind, and you have talents and abilities that I don't have, and you've had to go through things I haven't and to go through things I don't, and in a way I wish you hadn't, but then if you hadn't we wouldn't be here in the first place... And that's where he stopped...

And I just nodded and eventually said just yes, that's true, and I understand and I understood. I mean what could I say after everything I wrote him? And he said, before that, that he doesn't really believe in the concept of transference any more than every relationship is transference- what I said- and he wasn't going to try to dismiss my feelings, and he was imagining himself in my position, but he prefaced this all with "Well I do think that this kind of respect and connection is something you need, and recognize, and you'll be able to find it," so that was kind of what I reacted to, and I told him I was just nervous and more so than I thought I would be and then I relaxed a little and we talked about some other stuff and he was being really funny and that's it and then he told me when we had 5 minutes left like he does now instead of Ok we have to stop, and then he stood up and copied my insurance card and then I asked him about his paintings and then he held open the door and said see you Friday and I said see you Friday and I was holding his glass so I had to turn around and knock and that was kind of really intense and...

And of course he would never say any more than that. But he did say that. It was really, exactly what I hoped to hear... no more, no less.

Like, okay. I really am in love with him. It's actually not a fantasy, or anything like that, or some craving drama or something to exaggerate and write about because honestly it's getting hard to write about, I feel like it's private and it's personal and it's just not... I don't know it's not crazy or funny anymore, it's gotten to a point where I'm like, seriously emotionally invested in him, and it's not about the excitement, because I want as little of that as possible, if, IF I ever see him in any other way than as a therapist, if he would ever consider that or consider it okay, I would want to do it right, by the book, by the APA code, in two years, or six months, or six months and two years, or whatever that means and he is IMPORTANT to me to be in my life however. So. I don't know. About writing about him anymore. I really don't.

I LOVE JULIAN DARCY

I LOVE JULIAN DARCY I LOVE JULIAN DARCY I LOVE JULIAN DARCY

It's crazy how in love I am. My heart is in my throat. I don't feel at all how I wanted to, or thought I would, I thought I'd be so cool and dismissive and blase; as soon as I got out of class my heart just started racing and I rushed to his office so I wouldn't be too late... He opened his door... I sat down and I really couldn't look at him... whenever my eyes met his I looked away, I couldn't even really talk after mumbling some things about driving and then my... Ah, I can't write about this, I don't know why, nothing's changed, he didn't say all the things I thought he would, he said some really nice stuff and he didn't really say anything- he didn't really say anything. He made me laugh and I made him laugh and I have this cold and I look like hell... and... I had his glass in my hand when I walked out and had to turn around and knock to give it back.

And THIS is what I let Julian know:

Short one here!

Just, about tomorrow- I know you were in an awkward spot trying to be sensitive to my feelings and yet needing to say what you have to say and I just want you to know that it's understood. I understand why those feelings are, different, in therapy, and need to be dealt with, and I'm dealing. I'm overit. Heh. I understand why it is a fantasy, not because it's distorted or anything transferred or any of that, but just because it can never happen. So it's a fantasy... all those dreams and all that stuff, fantasy, my narrative about you in my head, that has nothing to do with you, or your life, there are 99 ways in which I know nothing about you. And I understand why you feel that might be beneficial or even essential to therapy, and I respect that and trust it. I don't need to know, I realize it's a fantasy, fantasies are nice, in fantasies people don't hog the bed, or forget to call, or call too much, or need you too much, or put you on a pedestal, or put you down, or pick arguments about nothing that are all about one thing that can never be fixed, or try to sound casual when they ask who just called, or yell at you for talking to someone or for never being there or because it costs too much, or ignore you all night, or hurt you, or hurt themselves, or leave.

But. I don't let them consume me.. or interfere with my life. I don't live in a fantasy. So. I'm present, in reality. K.

Til Tuesday, 12 hours, gonna burn rubber from that school and get there no later than 12 04. 12 07. Yeah, 12 07.

This is what I know.

Seeing J tomorrow. Have to burn rubber over there right after school. I'm gonna be mortified, but probably funny, he's gonna be compassionate, and explain to me more reasons why a therapist/patient relationship has to be different, it's different, it's one-sided, it can't... Yes.

That's what's going to happen.

And what do I want?

I want to keep seeing him. I want to drop it. The whole subject. He said he could see me getting past it. So I think I will. I think I'll love him, in that special way, that you love some people you never screw, and move on with my life, and find other people to screw.

I wanna tell him I get it already. And I really want to drop it. And talk about my show. And my day. And missing school. And past relationships, and how I can change them. I'm with ya, J, I'm two steps ahead of you.

Of course, this is what's going to happen, it couldn't happen any other way, if he had any integrity as a therapist a), and b) because yeah well I'd just never fit into his world even if he were interested in me at all, which I guess he never was. But that's okay. He cares about me, the way he cares for people, as a healer, as his job. It's beautiful. Like my friend Subi said. And she's so beautiful and funny and crazy. I love her... She said he'll cut me off though... And say he couldn't see me anymore. I said no way. She said ok, girl, we'll see. That's NOT gonna happen. He's in perfect control of the situation, and I'm cool and gonna get over it too.

That's what I know.

Love and Learning to Exhale,

Scarlet-O

Monkey See

I've been watching too much House; it's making me misanthropic.

But she still refuses to get GPS.

I was racing around all day, headthrobbed, and I still missed my second class! Like, what the F?

I just look down and stare at my shoelaces for 45 minutes. Seriously.

Luckily I'm such a suck-up my attendance is usually excused, but man, it makes me feel like a mess, that I did that, I've missed like half my classes already, and I have the DREADED psych class tomorrow. I'm sitting in the BACK. Oh, that stupid extra credit too. F that. It's just too stupid, and peanut-headed, it's practically against my principles.

I was on the phone with an old gf from KINDERGARTEN just now; she's amazing and incredibly funny but it was two hours and my head started really throbbing, I can't do the phone sometimes, I'm becoming just Lord of the Flies over here. What was I thinking about just now. Oh yes. I drove back ("back") from this meeting and went a little the wrong way spacing out to Vivaldi and giving change to freeway bums and stopped at a Starbucks and finished this 8-letter to my first love who's currently in prison (sigh) and then ended up-- I was about 3 miles from home-- driving like 9 different freeways for 45 minutes and missing the class. I missed the merge and the exit and the street and the exit and the merge and the merge...

HELP. Really.

Love and "Lie to Me" by Jonny Lang

Scarlet-O

"Haha" Funny.

I made myself reread the e-mails just now (yes it took an hour) though, and at least he probably got a good laugh out of them... They're totally unhinged but I was still pretty damn funny, at least.

"It probably is a gyp, haha, not that I would ever charge for it, and it probably has to do with people's transparency when you're (I'm, I'm, when I'm) touching their hand, the "vibes" I'm picking up probably just have to do with the stuff I've already ascertained, is that a word, yes, yes, I know, I don't really believe in supernatural anything, not in my head, so, why am I saying this. You're not gonna go for it. Hah. What a bizarre request, huh? Downright bizarre. I've wanted to do that... or play the Cube with you. Do you know that game.. Imagine a desert landscape. Just sand, sky, horizon line. Now a cube. Describe it to me. Okay now add a ladder. Describe. Where it is, in relation to the cube, the image, what it's made of, how many rungs... Now add... there are only 5 elements... Oh well. Not gonna happen. Genius game though.

So, like that band, Til Tuesday. Hush hush keep it down now voices carry. Great song.

xo
SO"

XO? To Julian? What am I, totally nuts??? Apparently. JESUS. But then he responded saying the e-mails are fine, verifying Friday at noon, and he signed off "Til Tuesday". Hahaha. Which I got while I was already working on another one, which I stopped in the middle:

"Oh- I just got your e-mail, yes, Friday at noon is fine. Thanks for saying the same of the e-mails. They are NOT fine, they're mortifying, I mean wow. I sound completely insane in those e-mails. Wow. Like I'm having an argument with a sign that says "I'm Not Listening!!!" And here I am with another one. Last one."

Ha! Ridiculous. Oh well. He likes my sense of humor... not everyone gets it! Good Taste, J.

Father Time

All I seem capable of is music and getting fat.

I haven't been at work in about THREE weeks and I wonder if I'm too fat to even do it at this point. I didn't go to a single class last week. I didn't even record, though I had a bunch of shows, and I won one contest that I didn't even know was a contest. Oh yeah I also hadn't worked out until tonight, in about two weeks.

Eating, drinking, singing, watching House. I can do those things.

Well I hung out with my drug-dealer boyfriend a few times and he gave me Vicodin. So I was doing that, for a week, too. I guess that might explain why I wasn't doing anything else. Hah. That stuff is crazy. I have to catch up on two weeks' worth of homework right now for tomorrow morning. And shower. Because I ran to Kostya's where I ended up playing bunch but not recording anything. And I'm gross.

Specimen from e-mails to Julian that lead to the final e-mail to Julian that said "Wow. I sound completely insane in those e-mails. Please, please disregard them." that lead to a response from him saying "The e-mails are fine." that made me want to end it all:

"I'm thinking: Really and sincerely thank you for everything, I'm just lightyears beyond September, beyond the last decade and the one before and the one before that. You did that, so easily... you're really good at what you do... So I don't want to stop seeing you, the thought of it is, not good, but then the reality of... well, reality, though I have been living in it, the recently exhumed specifics are now blinking mulch blood and sand out of their eyesockets, coughing up worms, dryly screaming, proceeding toward me to Orff or more hideously Rachmaninov (PAXMAHNHOB!), screw this metaphor, okay, this is a relationship that, can't really develop, it's 45 minutes (50 today, thank you- no sarcasm) twice a week, probably soon to be once, thanks to the Albert Schweizers at Blue Cross BS, and that's just. And you know, I really feel like I've grown 20 years in the last one, and it is thanks to you, in large part, and being understood and respected is just, wow, it's really helpful! Hah! It really makes me feel like a human being! And being accepted (though I know it's your JOB to accept and that's often really bothered me...), I mean I tell you things I don't tell anyone, and you still respect and accept (your job, but you do), and I guess I am to learn to realize that other people will do that too because why shouldn't they because it is all acceptable and respectable? That's the idea, no? It's just not for lack of trying or negative assumption that I don't find these damn people, I do actually assume the best and then some of everyone when I first meet them (unless they show themselves within the first few seconds to be utterly simian or reptilian or AI, or just plastic), not having been at the club in weeks (and considering not returning, somehow) has been pretty much good, though meeting people there had its benefits because they were..."

And:

"So I'm done being funny. I think about you, and dream about you, and write about you, and think about you, and I have been, for what feels like ages, and is only intensifying. And you've been really, really helpful in spite of that, maybe partly because of it, because I don't know if I'd have been so diligent about my appointments otherwise... Heh... And it is, it is hard for me to imagine imagine that surprising, you're so sexy, and gobsmacked gorgeous, like a doctor on a soap opera (just physically though), and brilliant, and funny, and sarcastic, and real like not fake you're never fake you're even kind of moody and I APPRECIATE that, and compassionate and respectful, so much, I've never in my life felt so much like a human being. If you know what I mean. And it does feel safe with you. And it means so much to me. And I'm glad you think that this THIS THIS as your Dr Yalom would call LoveObsession doesn't jeopardize THAT I don't want to jeopardize it either, it means so much to me... It's just hard for me to grasp that should be unique to therapy shouldn't relationships feel that way... despite whatever external furies moan outside and rap at the window, despite the creaking wood and the raging waters underfoot... isn't that the point, the ideal, the Form of Love, that sliver of God we mortals can experience in our lifetime, Platonic Love in the real sense as described by Plato and not merriamwebster.com is not exclusive from romantic love but is just pure like Truth and Beauty and Courage on and on..."

And:

"JULIAN YOU ARE SO F'IN GORGEOUS. JESUS CHRIST. I have to get that out.

I've never just sat there and remotely lusted after and adored someone for several months without saying anything. It was... good... I LIKED it. I didn't want to change it. INSPIRING. I didn't want to change it. I didn't want to say anything, for just fear and just honestly not wanting to put you in that position I know you're thinking tsk tsk what's your ultimately selfish purpose for not wanting to say anything, well I have no problem admitting the plethora of those- fear of exposure, fear of rejection, looking like a jackass, revealing all this stuff, feeling awkward, LOSING YOU in any capacity like making it so awkward that for some reason well you get it, but also putting you in that position because I KNOW- I wasn't as bad as I thought- but I KNOW I'm not the most pleasant person in the world when being delivered something I don't want to hear, in fact a downright bitch, and I DON'T WANT TO BE A BITCH TO YOU, NO, NOT TO YOU, I know you get it and have years of experience dealing with it and okay one more thing (I have had a vodka, one drink, a heavy pour, but one nonetheless) that bothers me-- you dont have to HYPERSPACE 16 inches back every time i tilt my chin a millimeter in your direction, ok? I GET IT. I've BEEN getting it. It's kind of, unnecessary and insulting. I don't know what the personal space boundary is, tell me, I'll respect it, ok. "

UGHHHHHHHH.

God.

Omigod.

Well. That's what that was. I'm seeing him again on Tuesday. God I'm so mortified. Wow.




Love and Leaving it to Fate

Scarlet-O

Hey guess what? UGH

Yeah. Obviously. I'm not even gonna write about it now. But yeah. Obvious. Not gonna quit or stop going though... Yet...

90 minutes til take-off.

Oh, the countdown. This is silly, how I'm acting. But... what am I gonna do, I probably lack the balls to do what I suggested... Anyone??? Someone help!!!

So. Tomorrow.

Eureka, got it. "What would make you feel more comfortable telling me, here?"

YOU. Get over here.

"Maybe a slight shift in the seating arrangement, from that intimidating thing with your chair? Like if you sat on that couch maybe? Or this one?"

Good, right?

Sorry-

For all the typos as of late, my internet's been wacked out so I type from my phone.

Emmy's Mac N' Cheese should be illegal.

Dude. I can't even absorb this. Ah. Thursday. Hey Julian, Dr. Darcy, baby, I want to lick you, and pull your hair, and straddle you yeah we've done it about 300 times, each time is better than the last, last time when you threw me up against the wall was hot right? I can't keep my hands off you, I can't stop touching you, your hands are all over me everywhere we go, my lips are all over you, I can't stop touching you, I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED YOU, not even your fingertips, GOOD CHRIST.

Wow.

What's he gonna SAY what am I gonna say what am I gonna do.

He said, can I keep this one, about my CD, I said sure, if you want to... or... it's yours now, you can use it as a coaster... The guy who invented the frisbee just died, he said, I can use it as a frisbee. He held it high over his head and I wanted to grab his hand and say, hey! He set it up for me. I didn't do it. Slow. Slow me. Sloe gin. Oh god I have a feeling, I don't know, I'm nervous.

TYSON'S MCNUGGETS

I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.

Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.

So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...

So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...

So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???

Bawk, bawk-bawwwk!!!

Yeah, I dunno.  Got an hour til Julian... I have a feeling I'm gonna chicken out.  No, listen.  First of all I had to do all this stuff this morning, and the maids came so I had to take Madeline with e, I'm still exhausted and gross from Sunday night, and I feel REALLY FAT.  When I'm tired I eat like a pig.  I feel like a sausage.  And then, J wrote back last night... He said he'd be happy to hear the CD, please bring it... So... Aside from sucking andbeing full of mistakes that hurt my ears-- well, it might to the talking for me... Though he probably won't see it... But really the main this is that his secretary called me twice to say he's running late and to move the appointment back, first 15 minutes, then a half hour... So I think hell be distracted and in a bad mood...

Okay, some deep breaths later.

Hah, I'm fine. I talked to Sean for hours. I do miss the #^*& out of Sean. Ex fiance. We were really in love. I was worried we'd end up living in a trailer park in Baton Rouge if we got married, but sometimes I think we'd have been pretty happy just doing that. He was always so cool about everything, didn't even give me shit about the job, though he was kind of pissed to hear I'm doing it now, considering it was one of the reasons I left p-town, thinking I'd never have to do it again, working at this fancy store here that only hires models and pays a ton, and just like he predicted I quit after a month, because like he predicted, I can't hold a normal job for more than that...
Anyway. Carlos came by with Thai and told me everyone loved the set and he even thought it was cool the way I disappeared right after. It's nice having a neighbor down the hall, who I play shows with and brings by Thai. And he's really nice.
I'm paying for it right now though... Drinking like that. I can't keep anything down, hunched over the toilet every five minutes and I'm dehydrated as all getout.

F^$#

I don't wanna be so violently, illiterately nasty to myself. The sax player was an asshole whose music sucked and whose piano skills were inferior to mine and twenty years and not two in the making and who squawked around like a wannabe Jack Black (and yeah, who would wanna be.) and was trying to get me to admire him and I know that. And I don't wanna be that trainwreck who storms offstage in tears anytime someone tells her she's less than brilliant despite the whole audience's applause. But that seems to be who the F I am. And I know it's because I drink too much. And I know I was a total bitch to Carlos for no reason at all. And to every audience member who came up to me as I sped out of the place knocking my equipment over to say they loved it and I rolled my eyes and said Yeah right like a F'in a-hole, and why would this place ever book me again and why would C even ever talk to me again. I wish I wasn't like this, I don't know what to do about it, I wish J's beta-blockers came in yesterday or today so I could've taken them and then I probably wouldn't have drank myself into this state which never feels like drunk because of the rampant alcoholism and Irish blood but undeniably, unmistakably, affects my judgment and my moods. GREAT. Great. Great.

But I figure I might as well burst several bubbles with one mood swing and I AM gonna tell Julian about my feelings for him on Tuesday, it really is just pathetic not to, and deal with the blows as they all come and see if I won't drink myself to death by midweek.

STAY TUNED

SOD

HI REALITY CHECK IDIOT

Hey guess what Sio, you're a f-ing stripper and a f-ing loser. You're never gonna have Julian. Try him. Tuesday. And you're never gonna be a musician. You're f-ing horrible.

Hi. Reality check.

I left my keyboard out on the curb.

Hopefully someone will smash.

LOVE AND LOSING

SCARLET O-D--KHEAD

I've long broken the band's pompous facade so now they're pretty cool, denying any association with this ridiculous singer-lady, besides this one paid gig.  It's kind of comforting and kind of disturbing how much she honks.  People always expect me to suck cuz of how I look.. I try to downplay as much, no makeup and stuff, but I always have to wear shorts or skirts or I feel suffocated...

jazz musicians are a-holes.

I'm at this venue getting sufficiently drunk to perform.

Rebel, Rebel

I'm such a rebel. I think sometimes when things get too hectic I rebel by spending an entire day in bed, on and off sleeping, eating, and watching TV. That's what I did today. I know I'm always late on these things, but I love "House." Hugh Laurie, hel-lo, woot.

Well, here goes something.

So, I had a busy week.. Still to come, tonight I'll probably play at, let's just call it the Twilight Room, Eamonn's little joint. Whatever. Unless I'm really too exhausted... But I have to dump my laundry, write a bunch of letters, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse...

My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.

I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.

One thing I did do:

Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.

S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'

Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.

S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'

Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...

S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'

Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.

S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'

J: Ahhh...

S: No, you can't, because no normal-

J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?

S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...

J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?

S: Oh my god, YES!

-----------------------------------------

Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.

And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.

I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...

Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?

More to come...

It's sunny. I haven't been posting. I've been busy to death.

Things are going good, you know?

I'm a little heartbroke right now. Just had a session with J and he seems irritated with me, after I've been furiously thinking about him all week long. Wah wah. I will write more on here, and read more. I just need to get some more stuff done first. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

JE-ZISS

Okay, I found like 4 instances of slips into Christian name instead of pseudonym here, mine, Julian, eek, some others are kustvreal cuz I don't care about protecting their identity (ahem), fixong that now, stat.

Love and Longterm Planning

Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.

Love and lust and like and loathe,

Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can

Hello, my name is S------ and I am an alcoholic.

Now actually trembling with the DTs I consider curbing my alcohol intake..

ok now I'm really upset.

ok now I'm really upset. I drove a goddamn hour to this place to meet this jerk, and I'm freezing, and he's not even here and his phone isn't on, and it's not even about me, blow me off you MF though why allow me to come all the way down here instead of just blowing me off over the phone like a normal person, but my BOOK which is what I came here to get, is not even here, the dude working tonight knows nothing about it, and it's cold, and I'm sitting here like an idiot, and this place is weird and ok, I'm really upset right now.

Droopy Lids

Yeah, so. I'm all sorts of Space Mountain, and my brain is chimichurras. I recorded with Kosta til 1:30 or so last night, and fell asleep, characteristically, after 4. And then I had my first class of the semester this morning. I slept through my alarm and came to campus without any worthy idea as to where I was going, so I was late. Class was great though, and I teacherpetted instantly, not in a manipulative way; he's just a really cool guy and seems like a great teacher and made references I recognized from the books I read with Julian, so I mentioned them after class.

I had to buy all the books and that and it's expensive. I have my ballet class in an hour. I can barely keep 'em open. And then I'm driving down to Eamonns's venue to retrieve my notebook that I'd left, of course, the one with all my songs in it, and to return his book, and to give him my CD, and... yeah... yesterday we talked, and he blew me off, and yeah... that's all for now, I can't.

Man, why on earth did I take ballet this semester? I mean I'll love it but all the dance clothes and shoes, not like I KEPT them. And man, I'm never going to get to sleep in. This could be bad.

The Homeless Professor: Part 2

I was dazed. I walked to my car in the pouring rain, in the dark, from the twilight of the couch.

I called the venue-- I said, I'm driving from all the way, I don't know what the traffic will be like.. I mean, I'll be late, should I come? and the guy said, You know what I'll save you a ticket.

I was stupid late. The drive was terrifying in the rain. I showed up, wet, interrupting, people staring, asking for him, Eamonn. A young guy was playing beautiful flamenco guitar on the stage. I hung by the back and finally he came out. "Ah, you're the girl." He leaned over and handed me a ticket. Chemistry. Instant. Mutual. "Ah. Donnelly." He smiled. Sort of devilishly. "Put your name on the list next to the blond guy, Japanese guy, at the mixer. Three dollars." "I have to get cash... Is there an ATM?" "Across the street. You going in the rain?" "I have an umbrella." "Put your name on the list."

I walked through the crowd again, and through the rain, to the grocery store. I bought a fifth of cheap vodka and get cash back. I took a swill in the bathroom. I came back in and ordered a lemon tea. I sat sipping it next to the blond boy, watching, some weren't great. I kept scanning around for Eamonn. I said I had to pay for my ticket. I dumped a little vodka in my tea. My name was late on the list. The boy next to me said his wasn't on the list at all, and didn't make it last week, though he was there at 7 30, they sold out fast, but maybe he'd get to go up. Eamonn walked by and I got up and paid him. We exchanged a couple words, walked toward the back, hung there for a second talking about nothing. I went back to my seat. I drank a little. The engineer asked me if I wanted to go next though there were like ten names before mine... I was like, "Oh, I don't know, I'm.. not really ready..." "How about in two or three?" "Perfect, perfect," I said and I was trembling a little.

Then Eamonn was onstage with a guitar, and he was riveting, hard and soft, haunting... I got up and did my two songs without saying a word to the audience. I don't remember it, I remember making mistakes, I remember it sounding good, I remember the piano was out of tune and mid-playing I said into the mic, Hey this C is like somewhere between a B and a B-flat, to the engineer and nobody laughed or anything. They applauded. I walked off without saying anything. I sat back down. People started turning and saying, Really great, your voice is so beautiful, where can I hear more? and you sound like ____, you sound like ____, you sound like _____, I love her! And the promoter came up to me and gave me a featured set. And I said, oh, thanks, wow, thank you, and as Eamonn walked through the crowd he touched my arm and said, Haunting.

Later he asked if the drink helped. He said what do you have. He said give it here. The conversation got boozy. He's a professor, sociology and human sexuality. I'm studying sociology, next week start... He has an album out... I'm working on a new one... His ex wife is a musician too. I bet she is good. She's amazing. But she stifled me. She didn't inspire me... Mine too, my ex fiance, amazing. He inspired me though.

We ended up outside, in a corner, talking, ducking the rain, in my car, making out, in the venue in the dark after it closed, on a different couch.

There's something you should know about me. He'd said. I'll tell you later.

So after everything, he looked at me and said, I have a son, did I tell you? He's five. No, I said, that's cool, I bet he's amazing. He lives with my ex wife in Arizona, I have a stepson too. From her? I asked. From her, he said, and I still support them. Must be tough.. I said. We're finalizing our divorce... Oh boy, I grabbed my coat, I need to go home now. I joked. No, I know that takes forever, I said, it took my best friend Elena like four years... And you know that car you saw out there?

And I said, That's where you're living...

And he nodded, and I nodded, and then I shook my head, and I was shocked, and fuming, and perfectly still, staring ahead of me, jawdropped.

I... this is just, I can't. I said.

You're tired... You need to go home... I'll drive you...

How will you do that?


I'll drive you back to your car in the morning...

But- oh.

I know the area I know the good spots. He laughed. At me.

Addendum: He's a total jerk. Wow. I hate men. So much.

The Homeless Professor: Part 1

I'm saying just suck it up, Scarlet, you let your emotions get the best of you... Electric wires gone astray... Not real. Nothing is wrong.

This was my night. I went to see Julian at seven (it was seven). I teased and blew out my hair, letting it fall in sexy soft waves, I wore something subtly sexy, and partly because I decided, if I could make it on time to go this elite open-mic place in the hip neighborhood. I called them ahead of time, and they said I could get a spot if I got a ticket, but they sold out fast. But they had a piano, real one, and microphones and amps and mixer. So I wouldn't have to lug my stuff. I was gonna play it by ear.

Anyway I got to Julian's. We just talked about movies and languages. It really was like a date. He sat closer to me. He showed me cuts on his hand. He was dressed more casually. He dimmed the lights a little when I walked in. He told me he spoke Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese. I asked how long he lived in Europe, and he told me, six months, and I said, that's incredible, and he said it was easy. He acted modest (well no, that's the wrong word-- he was not being modest) and said Oh, I'd studied it in college for a year and a half before. I said, A year and a half? He said Well, another few months there. I said, Wow. I talked about the Gypsy Kings, that's how this started actually, how I know all the lyrics but have no clue what I'm saying... He corrected me a few times. I talked about my music... I wanted to ask him what kind he liked, but I forgot.

When I walked in, the first thing he said was, I remembered this line you wrote at the end of your e-mails, 'It's raining, too.'

I said, "It is."

He wrote me an appointment card, and I saw that on the back of it he's written something, and they were two movie recommendations.

When? When will this happen, J.

Nervous...

For tonight... It's nothing SCAR-LET I know. It'll be a session. A J-Date. Hah! That made me laugh. OK. No biggie.

Mac N' Cheese Days

I'm flirting with an old friend from middle school. He's halfway around the world. We're sending each other sexy pictures. I made rice today and it didn't stick to the pan. Another old friend of mine said the nicest thing about my songs. I'm... oh I hate these words but... well, undersexed and craving it and thinking about brushing Julian's hair out of his face and sitting on his lap and touching him and then more than touching him forever and ever and beyond

Jonas

Jonas-

Thank you, babe, thank you, I can't even access your site right now, you're amazing, you're amazing.

<3 <3 <3

Love and lyrical prose,

Scarlet O'Deserving-I'm-Not

Fade

I had a crazy, kind of horrible, kind of great day. I decided I'm gonna quit whining so much but I was running around, sluggish, ten million things to do, making crackhead mistakes the whole time, I left my keys in the damn ignition and locked myself out in the cold, house keys on the same chain, phone almost dead, ugh, etc.

I got home and fell asleep for an hour, with my shoes and clothes on, face down. I've never done that.. I woke up and realized I was alone, that no one was next to me, and started crying. I've been alone for so long. I can barely take it.

I went to the venue with my neighbor. The owner wasn't too nice, and I just felt awful, but after a couple drinks, and the DJ warming up, we started dancing, and it was great. There was no one there.

We drove home and I found my Gipsy Kings CD in the car and I haven't heard it in like 6 months and we blasted it and I was happy.

Stop. Stop. Stopstopstopstop

I know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do what he did, I'm gonna say I've been meaning to ask you....... I know you don't do this, but.................... can you refer me to someone for that sedative thing that doesn't slow you down?

HA!!!!!!!!

I don't have the balls!

He changed my appointment to EIGHT PM ON FRIDAY.

Thank god I'm a little slow, because I never react to anything, because it doesn't process til later. I KNOW, it's meaningless, I KNOW. But Jesus Mary and Joseph. EIGHT PM ON A FRIDAY--

EIGHT PM ON A FRIDAY.

OweDeer

God I need to practice. Please shut up and go to sleep S, please.

Ceci N'est Pas Un Blog

I am not blogging right now. I am so f'in' tired (I know--Wolf! Wolf, wolf wolf!) that I'm grossed out by the computer and the lamp; I've finally exhausted myself to the point where I can just Go To Sleep, for f's sake, and Madeline's acting like a lunatic and it's so irritating I'm feeling like a lunatic myself. I still had to laugh though, she was autistically scratching at a paper bag and dashing back and forth to finally end up suspended pretty much upside down from the couch. One of my neighbors I never spoke to before stopped me walking out and got me a booking at this swanky place downtown, he's been hearing me play, I had no idea I was audible, for some reason... of course I am. I figured it was a load of crap because he told me I should sing for this, and that, and commercials, so I could make money?? and I was like, well yeah, but... that's kind of hard to get into... and I don't know any of those people. But I gave him a CD and met the manager (who I've heard of a bunch and awesome) and have one coming up, and I'm actually gonna ask J if there's something I can take because I never get stagefright but I think I'll be so nervous I choke. Quite in contrast with the other neighbor. Never dealt with that.

I had a date with Julian today (joke, I'm not actually insane yet ), and it was amazing. I am, not to be mundane, madly in love with him. GOD-DAMN am I in love with him. He got out these comic strips people have cut out for him (patients? I got jealous, just now. Why didn't I think of that?? That's cute and unassuming. But no, too forward for me. I can't make a move yet. God I sound like an ass...) when I was telling him Madeline was being a nightmare lately and he said he thought of me, and, oh man, I'm starting to cry now, what is wrong with me, je-sus. Jesus. And I'm blogging. I have to cut it out.

Love and lunacy,

Scarlet O'Dreamtime

Bigot Bloggers!

I comment occasionally on this one super-intellectual-geekout blog and they hate me even though I just say nice, normal things. Prejudice in cyberland where I don't have a face? I can't even say they hate redheads. :-(

Spread Thin, Stoked, Stormy

I know I haven't been writing as much, and reading as much, of your blogs, I just, I haven't had time, and, I've been writing letters to people... and writing a lot of music, and recording, and I can't sleep so I'm never awake, and I drink like a fish at work and I'm gonna cry even though I'm stoked... I have a showcase for a record label just last minute on Wednesday and I have to learn all my shit down and like I don't have time, I also had to finish my column for the paper today when it was due on Sunday. And school is starting, and working, school's starting in a week, and on the same day, my ex fiance is coming HERE. I haven't seen him in more than year. He didn't wanna move here. He used to be a rockstar, but I dunno blew it off, cuz he's, like that... but he's the funniest, most magical sexbomb person and I can't, I haven't even thought about what happened... But I sent him my tracks and he said it was good. And don't add anything to it, like drums or bass or whatever, it'll just mess it up. And he's right. And he gave me advice. And he's letting me cover a couple of his songs. His songs. Are genius. He has the sexiest, toughest, most beautiful voice in the world. And God I love him, but, he was, ugh... I don't want to think about it. It's too much right now. But I'm not gonna revert to how I was with when I was with him... all the growth, I'm not gonna regress, so I'm not gonna start telling him I love him and stuff because that's not fair and I need to just hold it back and be mature about it.

I see Julian tomorrow. I'm gonna tell him thank you. He deserves it.