End of the story, end of this wrought-out romance unrequited, end of my therapy, end of my blog maybe...
I really do apologi3e for not blogging and not reading lately... I haven't been by a computer, I've been so stressed out and busy and depressed too and... Feeling really dull too, like I can't and don't have any urging to make any poetry or make anything interesting out of the dulldrom of my life, and like writing about it would only depress me further...
I haven't been up to much, to catch on, hanging with Jo, on those trips, which were nothing exciting, working at the club, trying to do homework and work out, and play a little when I can, disappointing dates...
I did go to a reading by my favorite author, who I've written to, back and forth, a few times, about his books, the only real literature I've read in over a year... His most recent book, the one he was reading from but that I read 6 months ago the day it came out in hardcover, is one of those life imitates informs and synchroni3es with art and back... to me... inspired some of the names I use in my songs and stuff... he remembered me and we talked it, and it's about a singer my age and he wanted to hear my music...
But here's what's up.
I went to see Julian today. And my insurance denied the coverage for twice weekly sessions. I knew they would. I really did.
So. I'm behind on the payment for the sessions they didn't cover... And the ones they will cover, would make it balance out... and he gave me some options to appeal it again... but he was shocked they denied it, and said they never have before because they're changing their policy... so he doesn't know if they'll deny it again... He offered some ways to make up for the payments and get around it and discount and that he thinks I should continue twice a week, and I was just so stunned, but not, in a way... And he asked me to let him know by tomorrow if I want to come in on Friday... and I wrote him again... and I just don't know what to do... I told him I need to talk to him and that I understand that he probably can't before tomorrow so I'll keep it and we'll figure it out on Friday. But. Maybe this is just a sign. I don't know what to do. I really don't. With anything. With anything.
My response to your question: yes, those are/have been my questions. I think I have always had my faith, but that doesn't mean that i don't question what I believe and wonder why I believe what I do. Questioning, I believe, is crutial to belief. I don;t want to blindly follow along, but when I do doubt, the resolution always ends up being like it was in my poem. Sometimes the questions take a long time to find answers, but I think in some inexplicable way, God Himself is the answer. There's more that draws me to Him than just the "religion" part and the mental battles and the benefits of having something to believe. It's Him and His character and something in my soul that I can't really explain. I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear or not. Sort of went off on a tangent. Can you tell it means a lot to me?
ReplyDeleteBTW, I'll be heartbroken if you stop blogging. I want to keep getting to know you.
Making it the end will make it final. Being depressed and upset isn't cause to end it. Work through it and focus on what's important. Negative thoughts will turn everything else negative. We like reading what you say and like to let you know we do read and listen.
ReplyDeleteBTW, issue with cheat-gate, sort of resolved. I'll write about it later. Keep smiling and remember there are some who do care!