that was a good idea. obviously. to work i mean. i'm so tired but, i made some money, vinnie made me laugh, and i actually got along great with the girls tonight. don't know what it was. it was just kinda easy tonight. laid back.
oh and lena's not doing it anymore. i'm glad. i'm a solo artist.
i think about going and working at the crazy horse a couple nights a week sometimes... i know i can make a shit ton more money there... i just don't think they'd let me have a random ass schedule like at the spearmint... i'd probably have to work there on a regular schedule, at least 3x a week, and it's not that close to my place...
sigh. i REALLY need to get the thigh high boots already. i keep being cheap/lazy and putting it off. it's just you get bruises on your legs hoisting up the pole. it's the only way. a lot of the girls don't climb all the way to the top, and some just wear thigh high striped socks or something. but otherwise, i'm sick of having bruises on my legs.
whatever. i have so much to do as usual i made a to-do list and it makes me wanna sob.
that's it. i'm home. i'm tired. i wanna work tomorrow again instead of all this other crap.
it's all i wanna do.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Lalalala strip club
don't wanna go to work
tears in my eyes
cant feel em comin
so i gotta make this song cry
i will not be negative
i will "visualize" like all the wackjobs in this crackerjack town
visualize greenbacks
visualize d'argent
visualize happy
happy happy joy joy
career success
please dont cry
honey please dont cry
you know i hate it when you:
If I had just SOMETHING to make me unsad
just ONE thing
anything at all
if i could figure out the formula from here to okay
that's all the magic i ever need
tears in my eyes
cant feel em comin
so i gotta make this song cry
i will not be negative
i will "visualize" like all the wackjobs in this crackerjack town
visualize greenbacks
visualize d'argent
visualize happy
happy happy joy joy
career success
please dont cry
honey please dont cry
you know i hate it when you:
If I had just SOMETHING to make me unsad
just ONE thing
anything at all
if i could figure out the formula from here to okay
that's all the magic i ever need
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
turn me on
This is the worst, this is the worst, this is all the worst-- Madeline's great she sleeps on the bed every night again now shes not usually on there when i fall asleep but whenever i wake up, in the morning or in the middle of the night or in the afternoon or the next fucking year she's there on the bed at my feet sometimes in between them because she likes as much of her body as possible to be touching me at all times and it makes ME CRY:
EVERYTHING IS SO DISHONEST
CROWS ON THE ROOF, CROWS ON THE ROOF, BELLS AT THE DOOR, BELLS AT THE DOOR, NONEOFITNONEOFITNONEOFIT HERE and the aimlessness of the reasonless seasonless timeless nothingness allthedaysmeldedtogetherlikePAINTINGS LEFT OUT IN THE RAIN
the smiling people with their unbright pain riding bikes with broken chains and
LEAVING THEIR PAINTINGS OUT IN THE RAIN
i'm burning boats instead of bridges today.
Leave the light burning, I might be home late.
EVERYTHING IS SO DISHONEST
CROWS ON THE ROOF, CROWS ON THE ROOF, BELLS AT THE DOOR, BELLS AT THE DOOR, NONEOFITNONEOFITNONEOFIT HERE and the aimlessness of the reasonless seasonless timeless nothingness allthedaysmeldedtogetherlikePAINTINGS LEFT OUT IN THE RAIN
the smiling people with their unbright pain riding bikes with broken chains and
LEAVING THEIR PAINTINGS OUT IN THE RAIN
i'm burning boats instead of bridges today.
Leave the light burning, I might be home late.
Aaaaand what else is new.
Never mind about Naima being back on the team. Drove all the way to the west side to pick her up, she didn't have my stuff I left, we drove all the way east to Julian's magic forest carousel where the hike was, and she read the waiver that said they're not responsible for death or whatever-- the usual shit-- and said "I cannot do this. You have to drive me back. One time I went on a hike and almost DIED" and babbled on and on about that and I was SO disappointed and I drove her all the way back and just dropped her off, she babbled about herself the whole three hours this took, didn't apologize... I feel like shit.
i'm fine now.
JB's phonecall last night sorta set me straight
I'm BUSY. I'm busy with people taking photos of me... and trying to book shows... cleaning up my messes... trying to keep friends... reading my bible (Infinite Jest)... planning to go to the club... wandering around, just a little, in places where Julian goes, even though he's not here, maybe it's symbolic of my desire for unrequite... being rather unbright... collecting.
i've given up on magic sometime back
it doesn't seem to work for me
biweekly my sexual needs get taken care of, by P and all... i have to say, he does a damn fine job, i'm not even always fantasizing about Jul anymore, cuz it's really good, it's making me like him, cuz he just tells me what to do. he's married as well. patterns. patterns shapes and forms.
Naima's back on the team. we're about to go on nighthike where julian told me to go.
he kept saying, I go there sometimes and its really nice and that little coffee place there is really good too,
and then he also kept saying, Well, I've never been personally--
and then out of thin air he told me he didn't have a Facebook account. I said Jul you are all over the place-- under my breath-- he said, what? he blushed because it was the first time I called him Jul-- I said Nothing, and he said No no what did you-- No really, never mind, it was bullshit-- Okay, fine. --Okay, cool. I laughed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The gay couple next door to me are the BOMB. now its me and them against the stupid building. the stupid building tried to get me to pay for the damage caused by some leaky old pipes. they said it was because my toilet was broken and kept running water all the time.
i said how in the name of god was i supposed to know, let alone be responsible for this garbage?
they said It was your responsibility to report it.
I said, but I didn't know about it.
They said, well, but you were supposed to report it.
I said, SIGH.
I said, I'm not a plumber and the pipes are rotten and that's not my responsibility Alberto.
He said The pipes aren't rotten.
I thought, he hasn't checked the goddamn pipes. I said Whatever. I'm not paying this.
Then I knocked on Mike and Matt's door and went in there and ranted about the stupidity of this whole thing, and they told me that the fat lards downstairs said their floor caved in. And I said how could the water cave a floor in? And Matt said in a stage whisper-- Theyre REALLY heavy. And then they told me that the goddamn pipes were so broken in THEIR apartment the main broke 3 times. And that I should write the fuckers a letter and that they would sign their names on it. Then Mike gave me some xanax to chill out and told me not to tell Matt though. And then we went to Subway.
I'm BUSY. I'm busy with people taking photos of me... and trying to book shows... cleaning up my messes... trying to keep friends... reading my bible (Infinite Jest)... planning to go to the club... wandering around, just a little, in places where Julian goes, even though he's not here, maybe it's symbolic of my desire for unrequite... being rather unbright... collecting.
i've given up on magic sometime back
it doesn't seem to work for me
biweekly my sexual needs get taken care of, by P and all... i have to say, he does a damn fine job, i'm not even always fantasizing about Jul anymore, cuz it's really good, it's making me like him, cuz he just tells me what to do. he's married as well. patterns. patterns shapes and forms.
Naima's back on the team. we're about to go on nighthike where julian told me to go.
he kept saying, I go there sometimes and its really nice and that little coffee place there is really good too,
and then he also kept saying, Well, I've never been personally--
and then out of thin air he told me he didn't have a Facebook account. I said Jul you are all over the place-- under my breath-- he said, what? he blushed because it was the first time I called him Jul-- I said Nothing, and he said No no what did you-- No really, never mind, it was bullshit-- Okay, fine. --Okay, cool. I laughed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The gay couple next door to me are the BOMB. now its me and them against the stupid building. the stupid building tried to get me to pay for the damage caused by some leaky old pipes. they said it was because my toilet was broken and kept running water all the time.
i said how in the name of god was i supposed to know, let alone be responsible for this garbage?
they said It was your responsibility to report it.
I said, but I didn't know about it.
They said, well, but you were supposed to report it.
I said, SIGH.
I said, I'm not a plumber and the pipes are rotten and that's not my responsibility Alberto.
He said The pipes aren't rotten.
I thought, he hasn't checked the goddamn pipes. I said Whatever. I'm not paying this.
Then I knocked on Mike and Matt's door and went in there and ranted about the stupidity of this whole thing, and they told me that the fat lards downstairs said their floor caved in. And I said how could the water cave a floor in? And Matt said in a stage whisper-- Theyre REALLY heavy. And then they told me that the goddamn pipes were so broken in THEIR apartment the main broke 3 times. And that I should write the fuckers a letter and that they would sign their names on it. Then Mike gave me some xanax to chill out and told me not to tell Matt though. And then we went to Subway.
Children on the Blogosphere
Ever just done a random "Next Blog" click to nose around?
It's like, 93% family-themed with hi-res photos about people's kids. Come now. Must we?
It's like, 93% family-themed with hi-res photos about people's kids. Come now. Must we?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Oh, and "Inception."
I just saw Inception. Tell ya the truth, it stank. Everyone loved it, so don't take it from me though. I saw it with R--- and Katia and they loved it. I was sitting there like omg i REALLY wish i brought a xanax. OMG, its already 9 30 and they just introduced 71294750 new plot devices. KILL ME.
It was one of these dark, eerie, solitary, existentialist Chris Nolan mindfucks where like, we don't know what's real and what's a memory, dream, or reflection, and what's it matter ANYWAY??? Perhaps because I am daily struggling with those issues, I expect a little more from their treatment onscreen..... but.... COME ON, MAN.
Okay, here's what it's about. A mon avis.:
The dangers of escapism in the digital age, globalization, the dissolution of the nuclear family, that is truly what it is about, it's downright xenophobic. But, the actual plot is.. too convoluted to really say, i mean, its got some really neat little ideas, a whole bunch of manipulative classical film score music, lots of strings, very loud, scores scores, (that Hans just Zimmers away, don't he? I actually caught myself covering my ears autistically at one point but I mean the whoooole thing is cloyingly, demandingly scored, “be afraid, be very afraid!” stringy, I think there were about 9.3 minutes total of shhh in the whole whopping 160 minute epic) and scores of special effects.
Pseudopsychology, dreams, lots of little tricks but being that its built upon that trickery of logic, the fact that a lot of it's unexplained and doesn't add up sucks, the plot is thin and the characters are pisspoor and all the same, with no sense of humor at all, and i realize this is probably intentional because of the twist at the end.... which is guess the fuck what?? It's like, what is the #1, Fiction 101, amateur-hour oopsie in writing?
Don't, for the love of it, DON'T have it end with, it was all a dream!..........
Seriously???
And it was just too long. Two and a half legcramped, ritalinstarved hours.
Like, I caught all the little "clues" along the way and groaned out loud. And when I watch these big blockbusters, like, I think, okay, a bunch of really smart moneyed people poured oh 8,9 billion dollars into this yeah? So I just go for the bottomline message. And this one was, it seriously was, like- Ya fuck around with technology and faaaake stuff and strangers and go globetrotting, your family's gonna SUFFER and someone's gonna DIE and you're gonna MISS 'EM and you can't come back and you'll be caught in limbo forever!!!!!!! Stay in Duh-merica and keep yer fly zipped and don't go thinkin' all crazy!!!
It was one of these dark, eerie, solitary, existentialist Chris Nolan mindfucks where like, we don't know what's real and what's a memory, dream, or reflection, and what's it matter ANYWAY??? Perhaps because I am daily struggling with those issues, I expect a little more from their treatment onscreen..... but.... COME ON, MAN.
Okay, here's what it's about. A mon avis.:
The dangers of escapism in the digital age, globalization, the dissolution of the nuclear family, that is truly what it is about, it's downright xenophobic. But, the actual plot is.. too convoluted to really say, i mean, its got some really neat little ideas, a whole bunch of manipulative classical film score music, lots of strings, very loud, scores scores, (that Hans just Zimmers away, don't he? I actually caught myself covering my ears autistically at one point but I mean the whoooole thing is cloyingly, demandingly scored, “be afraid, be very afraid!” stringy, I think there were about 9.3 minutes total of shhh in the whole whopping 160 minute epic) and scores of special effects.
Pseudopsychology, dreams, lots of little tricks but being that its built upon that trickery of logic, the fact that a lot of it's unexplained and doesn't add up sucks, the plot is thin and the characters are pisspoor and all the same, with no sense of humor at all, and i realize this is probably intentional because of the twist at the end.... which is guess the fuck what?? It's like, what is the #1, Fiction 101, amateur-hour oopsie in writing?
Don't, for the love of it, DON'T have it end with, it was all a dream!..........
Seriously???
And it was just too long. Two and a half legcramped, ritalinstarved hours.
Like, I caught all the little "clues" along the way and groaned out loud. And when I watch these big blockbusters, like, I think, okay, a bunch of really smart moneyed people poured oh 8,9 billion dollars into this yeah? So I just go for the bottomline message. And this one was, it seriously was, like- Ya fuck around with technology and faaaake stuff and strangers and go globetrotting, your family's gonna SUFFER and someone's gonna DIE and you're gonna MISS 'EM and you can't come back and you'll be caught in limbo forever!!!!!!! Stay in Duh-merica and keep yer fly zipped and don't go thinkin' all crazy!!!
Where the words went.
Here's what I'm gonna post cuz here's where I've been writing. They're letters to. Obviously. But no-- it's not like that, because I haven't sent a single one... I think maybe... it's just easier writing to him because I know he rabidly reads and because I'm trying to seduce him or engage with him or whatever the hell I've been trying to do... But these are the words I want to put here... So... I'm gonna just post like, what I wrote him each day, starting the Saturday before last and... it'll just be like... it's my pretty much my damn journal anyway.
He told me I could write to him... He told me instead of thinking about the conversations we're not going to have, to think about the ones we've had... He told me I should take an hour out, twice a week, whenever we would and get away from everything and just think and write and he said I could probably imagine what he'd say anyway....
Conversations+Revelations with Julian
Day 2 of 20*: 'Nother No Good Horrible Very Bad Day
*the math genius here really could not understand how exactly 20 days apart could become exactly three weeks-- 21 days apart-- before realizing that, like with scales, the last note of a scale acts as the first note of the next. So that last Friday doesn't count.
So I was freaking out in the shower because I'd left the front door open a crack for ventilation and I couldn't see Madeline and I was thinking it's UNLIKELY but maybe she'd jumped out and I'd have to go looking for her and I was thinking I'd probably want to write you this because it would be an awful scare--
Ugh, Jare's coming over in a minute with vicodin-- but I'm gonna tell him I have to finish writing this first-- and I was just thinking, it's a damn shame I told him to come over before I started writing you and feeling better.
But anyway, I thought, I wouldnt wanna tell anyone else about the Madeline thing I mean why, why bother, I just don't care for anyone to know, but I'd wanna tell you, and I'd tell you, and youd probably tell me something funny, about what she was thinking when she ran out, and you'd PROBABLY, you'd probably CONNECT it to something we'd talked about before-- like I mentioned these neighbors now-- you'd probably make some joke connecting Madeline to the neighbors, that would simultaneously deflate the stress of both situations-- and make me feel understood, because you remember things, you remember people's things you remember everything. Is that a technique psychologists learn for therapy, or is that just how you talk?... If only everyone spoke like that, so sharp and quick and with it, obviously present and understanding and really hot and sexy and thoughtful and not just half asleep glancing over at the TV...
This is what you do, Jul, when you talk, when you talk to me, when we talk to each other, you make connections all the time. It's beautiful, it's structure... And you know, how my biggest fear in life, really, the biggest Issue, is that nothing is connected to anything else kinda... Nothing's really tied together... I mean, I know there aren't that many people walking around or into your office plagued with Fear and Trembling over Nothing is connected to anything else, so, this can be simplified, depersonalized, universalized, sophomoricated, for psychological and sociological consistency, we're all in the same boat like, to the existential crisis of Meaning and Why Am I Here and even just plain old Fear of Mortality. Does it every time. I mean, I'm like, WHY do that, what's the purpose, it's like Freudian dream analysis, ok, nothing's special we all just wish we had a dick, right?
But if we're gonna simplify, then this is MY simplification: You connect everything when we talk, when I don't talk to you I sometimes feel disconnected, this connection thing boils down to meaning, which boils down to value, in this big ol bunsen burner you science people use, so, my equation becomes, therefore, ergo: With you life has meaning--> Life has no meaning without you.
He told me I could write to him... He told me instead of thinking about the conversations we're not going to have, to think about the ones we've had... He told me I should take an hour out, twice a week, whenever we would and get away from everything and just think and write and he said I could probably imagine what he'd say anyway....
Conversations+Revelations with Julian
Day 2 of 20*: 'Nother No Good Horrible Very Bad Day
*the math genius here really could not understand how exactly 20 days apart could become exactly three weeks-- 21 days apart-- before realizing that, like with scales, the last note of a scale acts as the first note of the next. So that last Friday doesn't count.
So I was freaking out in the shower because I'd left the front door open a crack for ventilation and I couldn't see Madeline and I was thinking it's UNLIKELY but maybe she'd jumped out and I'd have to go looking for her and I was thinking I'd probably want to write you this because it would be an awful scare--
Ugh, Jare's coming over in a minute with vicodin-- but I'm gonna tell him I have to finish writing this first-- and I was just thinking, it's a damn shame I told him to come over before I started writing you and feeling better.
But anyway, I thought, I wouldnt wanna tell anyone else about the Madeline thing I mean why, why bother, I just don't care for anyone to know, but I'd wanna tell you, and I'd tell you, and youd probably tell me something funny, about what she was thinking when she ran out, and you'd PROBABLY, you'd probably CONNECT it to something we'd talked about before-- like I mentioned these neighbors now-- you'd probably make some joke connecting Madeline to the neighbors, that would simultaneously deflate the stress of both situations-- and make me feel understood, because you remember things, you remember people's things you remember everything. Is that a technique psychologists learn for therapy, or is that just how you talk?... If only everyone spoke like that, so sharp and quick and with it, obviously present and understanding and really hot and sexy and thoughtful and not just half asleep glancing over at the TV...
This is what you do, Jul, when you talk, when you talk to me, when we talk to each other, you make connections all the time. It's beautiful, it's structure... And you know, how my biggest fear in life, really, the biggest Issue, is that nothing is connected to anything else kinda... Nothing's really tied together... I mean, I know there aren't that many people walking around or into your office plagued with Fear and Trembling over Nothing is connected to anything else, so, this can be simplified, depersonalized, universalized, sophomoricated, for psychological and sociological consistency, we're all in the same boat like, to the existential crisis of Meaning and Why Am I Here and even just plain old Fear of Mortality. Does it every time. I mean, I'm like, WHY do that, what's the purpose, it's like Freudian dream analysis, ok, nothing's special we all just wish we had a dick, right?
But if we're gonna simplify, then this is MY simplification: You connect everything when we talk, when I don't talk to you I sometimes feel disconnected, this connection thing boils down to meaning, which boils down to value, in this big ol bunsen burner you science people use, so, my equation becomes, therefore, ergo: With you life has meaning--> Life has no meaning without you.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm sick.
I'm sick and I'm really quite depressed at this point.
Is going to the gym for a few hours a really bad idea?
Is going to the gym for a few hours a really bad idea?
time to f'n split
my magical ex's kitty had ktrz.
that's one of 'em. looks like a real piglet. i wish i could see in person.
you know i'm thinking of moving back there.
you know i'm thinking it ain't working out here.
you know i'm thinking this has been one headtrip, timewarp, isolationtank, experiment... i've learned things and it's a dead end and there's naught but mirrored walls on every side, and i don't like my reflection in any of them. i can't make it out here.
thought myself the exception to the rule, accepting the fact that i ain't.
i can't afford this lifestyle. NO LOVE. NO LOVE. NO HELP. NO DIRECTION.
doggypaddling to keep afloat in a stagnant pool. not swimming to. not swimming from. tired already. cold. shivering. still, sick as a dog. and arguing with a sign that says "i'm a fucking idiot" all the livelong day. OUTTA HERE.
time to f'in split me-thinks. time to f'in split.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
in my head now
OK, everyone invited to watch the carwreck of my mood swinging to the bottom of the bell curve.
I feel like I'm just dropping the ball. Again, invitations to work on music that I don't follow up on, cuz I never have the time or energy or SOMETHING, all of that, for what? Just a taste of something? Social stuff... dropped the ball... no energy or time to see a bunch of people... I still have, but it's too much, it's all too much, I never do anything, I'll never go anywhere, I'll always live to just barely catch up with myself financially, I can't even make money at that job, I'll never have a relationship cuz I'm stuck on someone who'll never have me, I don't know, when I'm zen I can see it as fine to keep living like this, but I don't think it really is. The depressed perspective is the correct one. That's what he said.
Everything in my apartment breaks or gets fucked up. Constantly. Constantly I should be dealing with this. I haven't gotten my fucking money back. Stupid mean just wanna sleep on me. I'm old and ugly. I'm really not pretty anymore.
I did a practically softcore porn modeling job the other day. It wasn't really, but it made me feel dirty, because the guy was skeezy, and the other model was nuts.
Julian is in Spain so there's no contact with him.
I want to write something more insightful and poetic, but I'm just too lazy. And I waste all those words on him. Now letters that I'm not sending because I'm not sending him a thing while he's on fucking vacation with his family. And okay Scarlet- he IS married, he's never going to act on this, he likes you, but it sort of bothers him sometimes, that he feels this way about you, but he likes it too, and in fact doesn't want you to get over it, well, he does, he wants you to be happy, but if you can be happy and still in love with him he's quite okay with that too.
In fact he's never been hit on by a girl like you. It excites him. And terrifies him. He's nervous around you when the roles become less defined. He gets slighty (sexily,) jealous when you talk about other people, these famous people, and stuff. He wouldn't even know what to do with you if he had you maybe. But he loves you. He wants you to be happy. He shows you things about yourself, areas that you're special, and need to give credit, and need to see, when you're feeling so down. He respects you completely. And understands you. All of you.
So it is what it is.
I can write about more important things. Or provocative things.
Maybe next time.
I feel like I'm just dropping the ball. Again, invitations to work on music that I don't follow up on, cuz I never have the time or energy or SOMETHING, all of that, for what? Just a taste of something? Social stuff... dropped the ball... no energy or time to see a bunch of people... I still have, but it's too much, it's all too much, I never do anything, I'll never go anywhere, I'll always live to just barely catch up with myself financially, I can't even make money at that job, I'll never have a relationship cuz I'm stuck on someone who'll never have me, I don't know, when I'm zen I can see it as fine to keep living like this, but I don't think it really is. The depressed perspective is the correct one. That's what he said.
Everything in my apartment breaks or gets fucked up. Constantly. Constantly I should be dealing with this. I haven't gotten my fucking money back. Stupid mean just wanna sleep on me. I'm old and ugly. I'm really not pretty anymore.
I did a practically softcore porn modeling job the other day. It wasn't really, but it made me feel dirty, because the guy was skeezy, and the other model was nuts.
Julian is in Spain so there's no contact with him.
I want to write something more insightful and poetic, but I'm just too lazy. And I waste all those words on him. Now letters that I'm not sending because I'm not sending him a thing while he's on fucking vacation with his family. And okay Scarlet- he IS married, he's never going to act on this, he likes you, but it sort of bothers him sometimes, that he feels this way about you, but he likes it too, and in fact doesn't want you to get over it, well, he does, he wants you to be happy, but if you can be happy and still in love with him he's quite okay with that too.
In fact he's never been hit on by a girl like you. It excites him. And terrifies him. He's nervous around you when the roles become less defined. He gets slighty (sexily,) jealous when you talk about other people, these famous people, and stuff. He wouldn't even know what to do with you if he had you maybe. But he loves you. He wants you to be happy. He shows you things about yourself, areas that you're special, and need to give credit, and need to see, when you're feeling so down. He respects you completely. And understands you. All of you.
So it is what it is.
I can write about more important things. Or provocative things.
Maybe next time.
SICK
ugh. finally caught up to me. i'm like dying and cant keep focused on anything for more than 5 minutes making it impossible to check e-mail or talk to people or get anything done, though i finally did that today, and cleaned a little, cuz I just had to do. but i slept ALL day yesterday, and then straight pretty much from like 9 pm to 1 pm today. did some awful errands and now im back and want to sleep some more. cough, runny nose, aches, throat, the works. feel like i'm dropping the ball on life, which is great.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Subj:
I wrote him something about Ramanujan... as well as some other stuff... when I got home. I know I said I stopped writing him. I lied. I mean, I did for a while...
It was... about Ramanujan and... other stuff and... I sent him a link to a video of one of my shows someone posted up... and I asked, well, mused, about whether he even received the e-mail... and he responded:
Subj: The woman who knew infinity
Yes I did get this. I can still call you tomorrow if you want. Let me know in the morning.
J
It was... about Ramanujan and... other stuff and... I sent him a link to a video of one of my shows someone posted up... and I asked, well, mused, about whether he even received the e-mail... and he responded:
Subj: The woman who knew infinity
Yes I did get this. I can still call you tomorrow if you want. Let me know in the morning.
J
The Man Who Knew Infinity
You know, back when I was wee, one of my earliest memories in fact, which begin unusually late, is whaen I was eight or nine and we were sitting in this math class and I remember I like figured out some math formula that the teacher had never seen before and her jaw dropped and they thought I was a genius and wanted to skip me grades and put me in special Talented Kid programs and they told my parents and my parents were like overit they were like nah it's not a good idea nope so they just let me have the period free instead to go discover you know, how to time travel and stuff. So I would go outside and like leave the school grounds and run around in the woods for an hour, in the snow, or the spring bloom, or the rotting leaves, and lose track of time, and come back late, and they never gave me a hard time for it because I suppose, they thought I was making discoveries in aerospace technology, or, more likely, they just felt strangely sorry for me.
I remember what the thing was though...
Did I tell you about this?
It seems pertinent, for some reason, right now.
But it was this: They sat us all down, well, Ms Marshall did, and gave us the entire class period to take a crack at the seemingly impossible task of adding up all the numbers 1-100. (As in S+1(1-100))... Without a calculator. So this was supposed to take forever, for some reason, though now that I think about it, even doing it straight, wouldn't take that long... would it? I don't even know. How long it takes to do anything straight. Wait no that's 100 fucking equations that would take forever.
But and they were gonna then, the grand reveal, was, that like, 1+100=101, and 2+99=101, and 3+98=101, etc... and that would happen 50 times, so 101x50=5050..... So but I finished it after some time, and handed it in, and had 5050. I'm surprised I had the answer correct, even if I figured this thing out, and didn't make some sloppy error, like I've done, with everything that I ever have done, after that, and will continue to do, always, at least SOME sloppy error somewhere.... and Ms Marshall was like HOW DID YOU DO THIS????? and I showed her on the side, these patterns, I recognized these patterns see like this one and then this one and her jaw dropped...
The patterns: so, 1+2+3, etc... is 1, 3, 6, 10, 15, 21, 28, 36... so it was like, (1x1), 1x3, 2x3, 2x5, 3x5, 3x7, 4x7, 4x9.... so, this progression, I guess... it was the same IDEA as her trick really, not nearly as efficient, I think I just went down the line that way, stopped actually multiplying, but just went down the list seeing what the next equation would be until I got to the last one, and it was obviously, also, 50x101... but... yes... so I got like rewarded I guess, for doing something well, with futzaround time. And I guess. That's always been a good reward.
That's what I talked about today with Julian. It's the last time I'm seeing him for a month, if not forever. So, yeah. That's what I told him today.
He asked me if I'm familiar this mathematician, Ramanujan. He said he was this math genius from a little village near Calcutta, and something he did, drew the attention of a teacher, who brought him recognition, and eventually he want to Oxford and discovered all kinds of shit, and then, and Julian apologized here, he eventually went crazy...
"Sorry to... bring it down like that... but... his perspective of the world was different too. He saw it as shapes, forms... The formula he did as a child was... something like yours... it was similar, I don't remember...
"But, but that's why he could discover these formulas, because, he saw life differently..."
He told me they mentioned him in Good Will Hunting. That there's a book about him.
The Man Who Knew Infinity.
I remember what the thing was though...
Did I tell you about this?
It seems pertinent, for some reason, right now.
But it was this: They sat us all down, well, Ms Marshall did, and gave us the entire class period to take a crack at the seemingly impossible task of adding up all the numbers 1-100. (As in S+1(1-100))... Without a calculator. So this was supposed to take forever, for some reason, though now that I think about it, even doing it straight, wouldn't take that long... would it? I don't even know. How long it takes to do anything straight. Wait no that's 100 fucking equations that would take forever.
But and they were gonna then, the grand reveal, was, that like, 1+100=101, and 2+99=101, and 3+98=101, etc... and that would happen 50 times, so 101x50=5050..... So but I finished it after some time, and handed it in, and had 5050. I'm surprised I had the answer correct, even if I figured this thing out, and didn't make some sloppy error, like I've done, with everything that I ever have done, after that, and will continue to do, always, at least SOME sloppy error somewhere.... and Ms Marshall was like HOW DID YOU DO THIS????? and I showed her on the side, these patterns, I recognized these patterns see like this one and then this one and her jaw dropped...
The patterns: so, 1+2+3, etc... is 1, 3, 6, 10, 15, 21, 28, 36... so it was like, (1x1), 1x3, 2x3, 2x5, 3x5, 3x7, 4x7, 4x9.... so, this progression, I guess... it was the same IDEA as her trick really, not nearly as efficient, I think I just went down the line that way, stopped actually multiplying, but just went down the list seeing what the next equation would be until I got to the last one, and it was obviously, also, 50x101... but... yes... so I got like rewarded I guess, for doing something well, with futzaround time. And I guess. That's always been a good reward.
That's what I talked about today with Julian. It's the last time I'm seeing him for a month, if not forever. So, yeah. That's what I told him today.
He asked me if I'm familiar this mathematician, Ramanujan. He said he was this math genius from a little village near Calcutta, and something he did, drew the attention of a teacher, who brought him recognition, and eventually he want to Oxford and discovered all kinds of shit, and then, and Julian apologized here, he eventually went crazy...
"Sorry to... bring it down like that... but... his perspective of the world was different too. He saw it as shapes, forms... The formula he did as a child was... something like yours... it was similar, I don't remember...
"But, but that's why he could discover these formulas, because, he saw life differently..."
He told me they mentioned him in Good Will Hunting. That there's a book about him.
The Man Who Knew Infinity.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Urg.
Ok. I'm starting to get a little... need some space with this cool neighbor thing... she's still really great, no change in that, it's just she wanted me to take her running yesterday, so I did, and I realize- I really want to fucking BE ALONE when I run. And to the yoga class at the gym today. And I ended up paying for her membership. And to work tonight. And honestly, she's fine at work, but I kinda don't like being friends with anyone at work... And she hasn't gone in by herself yet, and she suggested it, and said, Oh, I'll just go in at 10 o clock. Oh let me just have Vinnie's number and I'll call him. And I'm like... Ugh... please don't just go in at 10 o clock. That's not the time you're supposed to go in, I'LL fucking get shit for it, I know I do it, but like, you've gone in ONCE. Vinnie made a joke- Don't teach her bad habits, I don't need another Casper! Like, it's TOO FUCKING MUCH. TOO FUCKING MUCH. She never has cigarettes, and she doesn't have a car, and it's just like, her friend Dan brought me a keyboard, and they took photos of my show, and she's come to two, so it's not like it's not reciprocated, it's just a little too much. It's just too many aspects of my life being shared right now. I wanted to go to the gym when I felt like it, and swim, and take a class, and then she was like You have to take me to the gym today, I have to work out before this shoot (which was a bullshit modeling job, not even real, and I knew it as soon as she told me about it, the guy was chatting with her on Skype, and talking about a contract, and all kinds of unrealistic unprofessional BS, but I didn't want to burst her bubble too much. But then she wasn't ready, and we got there and spent 20 minutes figuring out her membership, and then after the class she was texting with the guy, and stressing, and I just wanted to get out of there.
It was not the way I wanted to decompress.
In fact I'm more irritable now then before. And now it's like I can't just go into work whenever I want. And I'm stressed about it. Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
I REALLY like my privacy and my independence. I had it made with the club. I don't like this.
It was not the way I wanted to decompress.
In fact I'm more irritable now then before. And now it's like I can't just go into work whenever I want. And I'm stressed about it. Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
I REALLY like my privacy and my independence. I had it made with the club. I don't like this.
37.2 C le Matin
It's getting really hot here, it's a heatwave, and there's no crossbreeze and it never lets up and I've been sort of sick or something for ages now and it might be the heat. And it's humid too.
It feels like India.
I've been to India.
And I have no A/C.
My show on Tuesday was awesome, though I felt like I was sick and dying, it went really awesome cuz Lena's friend brought an awesome keyboard, and there was a big crowd, and it was taped, and a bunch of people were there I didn't expect...
.........................................................................................................................
I had all these weird dreams.
1. Naima was being really weird I was stopping at her house to pick up my stuff and trying to explain to her why she was being weird, and wrap all these packages into one box...
2. Her house was atop these weird hills like a video game, I was driving around it.
3. Some reality show and it was about these three golddigger girls that just wanted to be rich and Naima was complaining to me she'd been having a hard time because one of them moved into the rich kid's apartment next to her and was having the whole thing expanded and there was construction all the time.
4. We were at a pool party and they thought I was going to be at my old friend from grade school's birthday instead.
5. We went to see a concert, and the band was this guy and girl who always dressed in like, Louis XIV style full royal court clothes....
P.S. This blog title is the original French title of one of my favorite movies, Betty Blue, which is also the name of the potential love interest of the ever captivating and heartthrobbed Tuesday Kid.
It also just really is that hot.
But.
God I love him. God I love him. God I love you. God I love you.
Oh me and my "really primitive urges" right? REDUNDANCY, SIC. Thank you Julian C Darcy, from the Department of Redundancy Department, Thanks, hi what urges aren't primitive and what things primitive aren't REALLY primitive and since when is that grounds for dismissal, Pinkerian, isn't that like the most important point of everything?? I'M supposed to be the one musing on the value of aesthetic airstuff and lately he's been, he's even using that word now, "aesthetic", and being really abstract, and kind of hard-to-follow, and, well, it's making me mindraced and heartraced and it makes me body ache in really unsuitable ways, which I know is beside the point, but see J we're really really alike, and you're using my whole artillery of weapons against me to arm me for FUTURE WARS with foreign powers aren't you?
And what's fucked up is that-- fighting fire with fire is only going to burn down the HOUSE, and cause fireworks, big, magical, beautiful, ancient Chinese lightshows in the nightsky, gems of shine to rival Aldeberon and the Pleiades and Polaris and Sirius B, seriousLY, claps of thunder, Dopplerian screaming and screeching and whistling as they ascend, and burst, and hey, why are you always acting like you're in a minefield anyway? Trying to avoid setting off a spark? If there is no spark? And why have I been using war metaphors? Oh me and my "aggressive" and "violent" "primitive urges." They are VIOLET. Cuz I'm red and you're blue. Violet. They are getting violent though, pressure is building, buildings and buildings, they climb their way into the atmosphere, they will explode.
And it will be like the lights suddenly went on in one hundred million buildings at midnight in New York City from an airplane soaring fifty thousand feet in the sky.
And it will be the big bang and millions of galaxies in spirals in seconds from the black abyss, from holes of grim nothing and mirrors of everything.
And it will be like the light suddenly went on.
And it will be like And God said Let there be Light.
Oh me and my "really primitive urges" right? REDUNDANCY, SIC. Thank you Julian C Darcy, from the Department of Redundancy Department, Thanks, hi what urges aren't primitive and what things primitive aren't REALLY primitive and since when is that grounds for dismissal, Pinkerian, isn't that like the most important point of everything?? I'M supposed to be the one musing on the value of aesthetic airstuff and lately he's been, he's even using that word now, "aesthetic", and being really abstract, and kind of hard-to-follow, and, well, it's making me mindraced and heartraced and it makes me body ache in really unsuitable ways, which I know is beside the point, but see J we're really really alike, and you're using my whole artillery of weapons against me to arm me for FUTURE WARS with foreign powers aren't you?
And what's fucked up is that-- fighting fire with fire is only going to burn down the HOUSE, and cause fireworks, big, magical, beautiful, ancient Chinese lightshows in the nightsky, gems of shine to rival Aldeberon and the Pleiades and Polaris and Sirius B, seriousLY, claps of thunder, Dopplerian screaming and screeching and whistling as they ascend, and burst, and hey, why are you always acting like you're in a minefield anyway? Trying to avoid setting off a spark? If there is no spark? And why have I been using war metaphors? Oh me and my "aggressive" and "violent" "primitive urges." They are VIOLET. Cuz I'm red and you're blue. Violet. They are getting violent though, pressure is building, buildings and buildings, they climb their way into the atmosphere, they will explode.
And it will be like the lights suddenly went on in one hundred million buildings at midnight in New York City from an airplane soaring fifty thousand feet in the sky.
And it will be the big bang and millions of galaxies in spirals in seconds from the black abyss, from holes of grim nothing and mirrors of everything.
And it will be like the light suddenly went on.
And it will be like And God said Let there be Light.
Monday, July 12, 2010
sik poetix
I know the first step is to Close All Tabs.
I know the second is to Exit Aim.
I know the third is turn off all the lights and the fourth is to lie down. Comfortably.
There's mud in my brain and chocolate cake in my belly, and 150 ccs of cerebrospinal fluid in my brain and 1500 extra kcals in my belly.
I'm so sick and antsy, I want to go running, I wanted to go to work, Vinnie called me, but I'm SICK. I really am, I have like, swollen glands...
I'm so sad and antsy, I want to write Julian because he inspired my thoughts but it just seems such a stupid thing to do, and I'm SICK and full and antsy.
I took a sleeping pill, I hope it works when it kicks in.
I'm worried about the truth and I hope it soon sinks in.
I'm feeling uninspired and I'm feeling kinda dim, and I want to watch a movie but my legs won't stop kicking.
The only way to get these legs to stop is to tire them out, but the rest of my body is tired as it is. I feel really sick and kinda like I'm gonna throw up and I want this person to help me I want to talk to him this person who I want to help me but I have to cut that tie, when I see him tomorrow, if I can refrain from writing him tonight.
I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me when I'm gone.
I know the second is to Exit Aim.
I know the third is turn off all the lights and the fourth is to lie down. Comfortably.
There's mud in my brain and chocolate cake in my belly, and 150 ccs of cerebrospinal fluid in my brain and 1500 extra kcals in my belly.
I'm so sick and antsy, I want to go running, I wanted to go to work, Vinnie called me, but I'm SICK. I really am, I have like, swollen glands...
I'm so sad and antsy, I want to write Julian because he inspired my thoughts but it just seems such a stupid thing to do, and I'm SICK and full and antsy.
I took a sleeping pill, I hope it works when it kicks in.
I'm worried about the truth and I hope it soon sinks in.
I'm feeling uninspired and I'm feeling kinda dim, and I want to watch a movie but my legs won't stop kicking.
The only way to get these legs to stop is to tire them out, but the rest of my body is tired as it is. I feel really sick and kinda like I'm gonna throw up and I want this person to help me I want to talk to him this person who I want to help me but I have to cut that tie, when I see him tomorrow, if I can refrain from writing him tonight.
I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me when I'm gone.
i'm sort of concerned about my health right now... i've been feeling sort of off for a while, but i thought it would be done with today... and I certainly hoped it would cuz I'm like behind, behind, as always, BEHIND, on everything... my place had gotten really messy, and I needed to find about this refund and call people back and fix my fucking phone, and I did that today, thank god. I borrowed Lena's so I could transfer it back to the old one. If Lena wasn't there, across the hall, I have no idea when I would've done that. It's like, it just makes ya realize sometimes... Even to borrow a phone, is so difficult in certain situations...
But I did that stuff... but I wanted to run, or go to the gym, cuz I'm a heffer, and I wanted to go to work, because I need money, but I can't, because I'm exhausted. I mean I woke up at like 3 pm, and it's 8, and I can hardly move. I can't practice the keyboard. I can barely keep my eyes open.
I had a shoot yesterday for a friend's thing... I've been doing that lately and it's fun... And I felt like hell but adrenaline got me through it and I ended up getting up really early for it and it went for 12 hours and then I didn't go to bed til late... so maybe... maybe I'm just regular sick but like I don't have any other symptoms besides exhausted and achy... I don't know...
But I did that stuff... but I wanted to run, or go to the gym, cuz I'm a heffer, and I wanted to go to work, because I need money, but I can't, because I'm exhausted. I mean I woke up at like 3 pm, and it's 8, and I can hardly move. I can't practice the keyboard. I can barely keep my eyes open.
I had a shoot yesterday for a friend's thing... I've been doing that lately and it's fun... And I felt like hell but adrenaline got me through it and I ended up getting up really early for it and it went for 12 hours and then I didn't go to bed til late... so maybe... maybe I'm just regular sick but like I don't have any other symptoms besides exhausted and achy... I don't know...
Saturday, July 10, 2010
lena lena
i feel so sad and shitty right now and its mostly cuz i'm run down I know... but it's this Julian thing too.. it just has to stop.. i wasn't letting it. and it's time. it's just making me sad. i gave him everything, my heart and all my secrets, and it was like pouring my soul out into a leaky bucket.
i guess he taught me a lot of things.
i guess i've just grown up enough to see it all.
i guess that's good.
it hurts. growing pains i guess.
i have to look at this script for tomorrow
i have to wake up early and go and do it all day. and then. i can sleep.
Ohhhh, Lena just came by to get a stamp of approval on how she looks before her friend picks her up. I love it. She looks amazing of course. And she can just run across the hall. Makes me happy.
i guess he taught me a lot of things.
i guess i've just grown up enough to see it all.
i guess that's good.
it hurts. growing pains i guess.
i have to look at this script for tomorrow
i have to wake up early and go and do it all day. and then. i can sleep.
Ohhhh, Lena just came by to get a stamp of approval on how she looks before her friend picks her up. I love it. She looks amazing of course. And she can just run across the hall. Makes me happy.
Ugh, I am so drained, my head is throbbing, and my throat hurts. I couldn't get out of bed til 3 pm. I went over to Lena's and sat around then finally took a shower got Maddy food and we started to get ready. I got to the show and there were FIVE people there. Three who've heard it all a million times and two randoms. It just felt like a fucking waste of time. Like, why did I bother with this. Why DO I bother with this.
Lena's such a sweetheart and came along and is going out now, to some club with this clubowner guy she likes, and I felt really bad because I knew she wanted me to come and I totally get it, didn't know if he was actually gonna be spending time with her, or just making sure she's "taken care of" like, with a friend, but I feel like hell, I hate clubs, AND I have to film tomorrow for 10 hours from 8 am... but I lucked out because it turned out her other friend could go AND then, most of all, that I know the dude.
I played his club last week. He's the one who said he loved it and gave me his card and sort of him on me. Hah. So I told Lena. But that it was no big deal, but we just thought it was funny, and then she thought my coming would be awkward anyway, BUT I told her to tell her I know him so that he knows there's like, FRIENDS around. That he can't fuck around. That's so important when you're new in these big cities by yourself. Protection.
So I'm the hook for that and she's excited because I said he's cute. He is. God I love Lena. I can't believe she's across the hall. I ran into my DJ neighbor Tony too and he's cool too-- he's gonna come to my next one. He's a solid guy. A few really great neighbors- everyone else: creepy.
I think these French girls I thought were so cool are fucking weird. Well- not the French girls, not the actress or her friend, but the one that was getting really chummy with me and all of a sudden dropped off the face of the earth and now put stuff up on her facebook of like birthday plans she didn't invite me to with the other girl...? Why? I should've figured. 38 and living that way... I dunno... like Elena...
It sucks though.
I have swollen lymph nodes.
I am really quite crushed about Julian.
And mad, and sad too, but at least the good thing is, I do not even have any urge to write him. It just seems stupid.
Lena's such a sweetheart and came along and is going out now, to some club with this clubowner guy she likes, and I felt really bad because I knew she wanted me to come and I totally get it, didn't know if he was actually gonna be spending time with her, or just making sure she's "taken care of" like, with a friend, but I feel like hell, I hate clubs, AND I have to film tomorrow for 10 hours from 8 am... but I lucked out because it turned out her other friend could go AND then, most of all, that I know the dude.
I played his club last week. He's the one who said he loved it and gave me his card and sort of him on me. Hah. So I told Lena. But that it was no big deal, but we just thought it was funny, and then she thought my coming would be awkward anyway, BUT I told her to tell her I know him so that he knows there's like, FRIENDS around. That he can't fuck around. That's so important when you're new in these big cities by yourself. Protection.
So I'm the hook for that and she's excited because I said he's cute. He is. God I love Lena. I can't believe she's across the hall. I ran into my DJ neighbor Tony too and he's cool too-- he's gonna come to my next one. He's a solid guy. A few really great neighbors- everyone else: creepy.
I think these French girls I thought were so cool are fucking weird. Well- not the French girls, not the actress or her friend, but the one that was getting really chummy with me and all of a sudden dropped off the face of the earth and now put stuff up on her facebook of like birthday plans she didn't invite me to with the other girl...? Why? I should've figured. 38 and living that way... I dunno... like Elena...
It sucks though.
I have swollen lymph nodes.
I am really quite crushed about Julian.
And mad, and sad too, but at least the good thing is, I do not even have any urge to write him. It just seems stupid.
Fell Along
I am not wasting another navelgrazing word on him.
Seriously.
It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.
My good god.
I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...
She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.
She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!
So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.
We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.
I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.
I don't have a whole bunch of money.
I need to stop seeing him.
I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.
And it's breaking me.
I'm broke.
Seriously.
It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.
My good god.
I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...
She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.
She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!
So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.
We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.
I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.
I don't have a whole bunch of money.
I need to stop seeing him.
I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.
And it's breaking me.
I'm broke.
Friday, July 9, 2010
blablablablabla
ok
this stupid see-saw is almost totally broken and i'm about to fall off for real
fall off the couch
i'm done with this
done with this delusion
i hate him
i scraped my knee on the splintery wood
i'm getting nauseous
i'll probably keep swinging for a while but i really shouldnt
this stupid see-saw is almost totally broken and i'm about to fall off for real
fall off the couch
i'm done with this
done with this delusion
i hate him
i scraped my knee on the splintery wood
i'm getting nauseous
i'll probably keep swinging for a while but i really shouldnt
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Dr JCD Phd
See he is also just really good at his job. I mean he really helps me. I wanted to give an example of that too.
so yesterday I didn't sleep the previous night at all so I went for a run at 6 am, 6 miles, and then celine told me I should come check out her yoga class at the gym, so I did that at 9, and it was a tough one, and then she wanted to stay for this pilates/dance/fusion class and someone else seemed really excited about it too and it was free so I stayed for that and that was a fucking serious workout. So when I went to see J I was kinda drowsy and dreamy and delirious...
He asked me about my mood because I think I wrote him a pretty depressed letter the night before, and I told him about my ups and downs and how it always concerns me because according to the article he sent me a while ago, the depressive perspective tends to be more realistic... and pessimists tend to be better predictors... and so I said I'm concerned my good moods are all unrealistic BS.... and he asked what do I think is bullshit, like inflated ego things?
And I said, no, not even, just, you know, how I write all the time, just, my writing and music and everything...
And he said, It's beautiful, and it's brilliant. How could it not be?
And I just looked at him, probably real doe-eyed...
And he said You can create things. You can create wonderful things... There are many people who get up or high or manic or whatever you want to call it, who aren't creative. It's not related. It's not even debatable. Your talent.
I stared.
I think maybe the issue is not to take possession of it. It is, whatever it is, and you don't have to question it, and you're a vessel for it... Instead of thinking like, okay, I'm the Great Creator. He smiled. You know? And then crashing and saying, no, I'm scum and I'm going to be a bag lady.
I laughed a little... Yeah...
So, when you're down, and you build these narratives... about the future, like you do, just try... well... this might be a strange analogy... but with over-eaters, sometimes they use this method, of delaying- like- allowing themselves to eat whatever they want- like- I can have that second helping, I can have that third helping-
I giggled.
-But delay it by 10 minutes... That make sense?
Yeah, like the counting to ten thing...
Well, yeah, though, I don't like that counting to ten thing, but, yeah regardless, I guess it's kind of the same idea.
Okay, so, how would I apply this...?
Well, from what you tell me, you're aware that- you see that the depression is just a feeling, it's just a feeling that comes over you, and it's not that anything is wrong, and you know that... But it makes you tell yourself these stories sometimes like, like, I'll always be depressed, and it's crippling, and I'll screw everything up, and I'll be living on the streets pushing around a shopping cart right?
I laughed. Yup.
So, try delaying. Saying, okay, I'm depressed, let me just feel the pain for a half hour... And then you can start telling yourself you'll become a bag lady if you want.
so yesterday I didn't sleep the previous night at all so I went for a run at 6 am, 6 miles, and then celine told me I should come check out her yoga class at the gym, so I did that at 9, and it was a tough one, and then she wanted to stay for this pilates/dance/fusion class and someone else seemed really excited about it too and it was free so I stayed for that and that was a fucking serious workout. So when I went to see J I was kinda drowsy and dreamy and delirious...
He asked me about my mood because I think I wrote him a pretty depressed letter the night before, and I told him about my ups and downs and how it always concerns me because according to the article he sent me a while ago, the depressive perspective tends to be more realistic... and pessimists tend to be better predictors... and so I said I'm concerned my good moods are all unrealistic BS.... and he asked what do I think is bullshit, like inflated ego things?
And I said, no, not even, just, you know, how I write all the time, just, my writing and music and everything...
And he said, It's beautiful, and it's brilliant. How could it not be?
And I just looked at him, probably real doe-eyed...
And he said You can create things. You can create wonderful things... There are many people who get up or high or manic or whatever you want to call it, who aren't creative. It's not related. It's not even debatable. Your talent.
I stared.
I think maybe the issue is not to take possession of it. It is, whatever it is, and you don't have to question it, and you're a vessel for it... Instead of thinking like, okay, I'm the Great Creator. He smiled. You know? And then crashing and saying, no, I'm scum and I'm going to be a bag lady.
I laughed a little... Yeah...
So, when you're down, and you build these narratives... about the future, like you do, just try... well... this might be a strange analogy... but with over-eaters, sometimes they use this method, of delaying- like- allowing themselves to eat whatever they want- like- I can have that second helping, I can have that third helping-
I giggled.
-But delay it by 10 minutes... That make sense?
Yeah, like the counting to ten thing...
Well, yeah, though, I don't like that counting to ten thing, but, yeah regardless, I guess it's kind of the same idea.
Okay, so, how would I apply this...?
Well, from what you tell me, you're aware that- you see that the depression is just a feeling, it's just a feeling that comes over you, and it's not that anything is wrong, and you know that... But it makes you tell yourself these stories sometimes like, like, I'll always be depressed, and it's crippling, and I'll screw everything up, and I'll be living on the streets pushing around a shopping cart right?
I laughed. Yup.
So, try delaying. Saying, okay, I'm depressed, let me just feel the pain for a half hour... And then you can start telling yourself you'll become a bag lady if you want.
Dream last night
Last night I had a dream I was at Julian's like he was having some kind of a party there.... and everyone was downstairs and I was upstairs because I wanted to go into the bathroom and I found his phone in this other room and took it in the bathroom to try to look through it quickly but I heard someone coming up so I went back into the other room and this hippie looking, like old dead-head type guy said, "You're Scarlet right?" And I said, "Yeah," and he said "Oh, I read your blog, I figured that was you..." And I was just about to say "Oh my god, you can't tell him--" and he was like "Yeah, that it was him, the way you describe the color of his tie and everything he says," and I was just like, we were standing right at the top of the stairs and I could see Julian downstairs talking to people, and the guy said to me "Just so you know, he's happily married for seven years. But you know, it gets boring sometimes..." and I said I have to go and I ran down the stairs and just walked out and heard someone calling after me but I just kept going, running out into the night.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
new header
ok this was really fucking hard and is still a work in progress.... i also wanted to make it transparent but I only have that "paint" crap that comes on the computer not photoshop so I'm not sure how... aghhhhhhhhhh..... opinions?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Independence Day Set List
I was onstage ALL goddamn night, so this is a longie:
1. Sex Type Thing- Stone Temple Pilots
2. Darling Nikki- Prince
3. Dirt- Iggie Pop
4. Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z
5. Fell on Black Days- Soundgarden
6. Turn the Page- Bob Seger
7. Bone Machine- Pixies
8. Possom Kingdon- Toadies
7. Never There- Cake
8. 15 Step- Radiohead
9. Creep- Radiohead
10. Lie to Me- Jonny Lang
And-- cuz there were so few of us there and hard to work a guy when you gotta be on stage every 15 minutes, we were usually up for two in a row onstage, so a lot of those were back to back.... Turn the Page followed by Bone Machine.... WORK, man... I'm all achy and bruised... and I was dancing private dances in between ALL my turns onstage... the poor sap whose money I inhaled all evening... I had Vinnie let me sneak out the back so he wouldn't see me leave cuz he thought he was taking me home... I said, "Poor sod. He's not even drunk." Vinnie said. "It'll hit him when the lights come up." I said, "Don't these people know it's a scam?" He said, "The idiots in here. Unbelievable."
Hahaha.
1. Sex Type Thing- Stone Temple Pilots
2. Darling Nikki- Prince
3. Dirt- Iggie Pop
4. Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z
5. Fell on Black Days- Soundgarden
6. Turn the Page- Bob Seger
7. Bone Machine- Pixies
8. Possom Kingdon- Toadies
7. Never There- Cake
8. 15 Step- Radiohead
9. Creep- Radiohead
10. Lie to Me- Jonny Lang
And-- cuz there were so few of us there and hard to work a guy when you gotta be on stage every 15 minutes, we were usually up for two in a row onstage, so a lot of those were back to back.... Turn the Page followed by Bone Machine.... WORK, man... I'm all achy and bruised... and I was dancing private dances in between ALL my turns onstage... the poor sap whose money I inhaled all evening... I had Vinnie let me sneak out the back so he wouldn't see me leave cuz he thought he was taking me home... I said, "Poor sod. He's not even drunk." Vinnie said. "It'll hit him when the lights come up." I said, "Don't these people know it's a scam?" He said, "The idiots in here. Unbelievable."
Hahaha.
Bloody Marys
Btw, here it is:
I eyeball everything so the amounts aren't exact, but they're key, but it's basically:
Highball glass, fill with ice, 4 count vodka (1.5 oz)
Fill with PLAIN tomato juice, like from a can, NO MIX, til its about an inch from the top.
THREE slices of lemon or lime- SQUEEZE the dickens out of them into the glass, and leave 'em in there.
Horseradish- A LOT, like a teaspoon
Shake some celery salt on there to cover the top
shake shake some pepper
Olive juice, like from the olive jar, like for a dirty martini style, like a teaspoon
2-count worcestishire sauce (as in turn the bottle over and count 1, 2)
1-count Tabasco
STIR
then SHAKE
stick in a celery stick as your accoutrement.
Voila.
I eyeball everything so the amounts aren't exact, but they're key, but it's basically:
Highball glass, fill with ice, 4 count vodka (1.5 oz)
Fill with PLAIN tomato juice, like from a can, NO MIX, til its about an inch from the top.
THREE slices of lemon or lime- SQUEEZE the dickens out of them into the glass, and leave 'em in there.
Horseradish- A LOT, like a teaspoon
Shake some celery salt on there to cover the top
shake shake some pepper
Olive juice, like from the olive jar, like for a dirty martini style, like a teaspoon
2-count worcestishire sauce (as in turn the bottle over and count 1, 2)
1-count Tabasco
STIR
then SHAKE
stick in a celery stick as your accoutrement.
Voila.
actually part 2
i love you guys. thanks so much for your comments... you're right it was a low point and i need to start dealing with those better because the self-flagellating is pointless. but i'm, thanks to beautiful spirits, and thanks to J, getting better at coping with my lows.
i made myself go to sunny's. i'm so glad i did. it was great, and i got em to come too, and it was a mexican bar with BuildYourOwnBloodyMary's and 7 years of bartending experience (yes I started when I was 17) I've perfected my Bloody. to a science. so everyone kept asking me to make them a Bloody and then the bartenders loved me cuz i was bringing in the loot for them... and one was really hot and i gave him my number. Sunny's friends are sweet, and Sunny is an angel, a total lightweight who always gets drunk at her birthday and is a really really SWEET drunk. i, having not eaten all day, got drunk off my one Bloody, too.
and then I went straight to work, and Vinnie wasn't pissed at all, just a sweetheart to me as always. tonight was a workout and a half. i probably spent 3 hours out of 4 actually dancing, cuz there were only 4 girls there and i gave a bunch of table dances too. i was sweating my ass off on the walk home. i made like $400 too. and it was a dead night. thank GOD.
i ran into my two gay neighbors on the way home and they were loaded up and we chatted for like 20 minutes and one's a mechanic and gonna look at my car for free.
i feel better. but my phone is just straight NOT working anymore. it's bad. i need to figure that out. and i was gonna pay my rent right now but i cannot find my damn checkbook. so i'm gonna look for it tomorrow. it's 3 here.
i made myself go to sunny's. i'm so glad i did. it was great, and i got em to come too, and it was a mexican bar with BuildYourOwnBloodyMary's and 7 years of bartending experience (yes I started when I was 17) I've perfected my Bloody. to a science. so everyone kept asking me to make them a Bloody and then the bartenders loved me cuz i was bringing in the loot for them... and one was really hot and i gave him my number. Sunny's friends are sweet, and Sunny is an angel, a total lightweight who always gets drunk at her birthday and is a really really SWEET drunk. i, having not eaten all day, got drunk off my one Bloody, too.
and then I went straight to work, and Vinnie wasn't pissed at all, just a sweetheart to me as always. tonight was a workout and a half. i probably spent 3 hours out of 4 actually dancing, cuz there were only 4 girls there and i gave a bunch of table dances too. i was sweating my ass off on the walk home. i made like $400 too. and it was a dead night. thank GOD.
i ran into my two gay neighbors on the way home and they were loaded up and we chatted for like 20 minutes and one's a mechanic and gonna look at my car for free.
i feel better. but my phone is just straight NOT working anymore. it's bad. i need to figure that out. and i was gonna pay my rent right now but i cannot find my damn checkbook. so i'm gonna look for it tomorrow. it's 3 here.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
actually
actually i'm in a really shit mood. i feel like anyone in my life just feels sorry for me and thinks i'm this mess of a loser. sunny feels sorry for me. she always acts like it. naima thinks i'm a self-obsessed wreck now after last night. celine can't stand me either. all the men just want to sleep with me, not because i'm attractive but because they think i'm a slut and talentless and desperate. julian is my doctor. it's his job to be nice to me, and he probably flirts with me because he wants me to have some self-esteem. cam is done with me. manny's not my friend anymore because his wife hates me. z thinks i'm a fucking knowitall dilettante. carly just got engaged. i'm going nowhere in life.
i feel fat and lazy and like every time my i feel good about myself it's just mania-based delusion. because these are the facts. i'm selfish and i don't keep up with people and even this writing is fucking selfish loser bullshit. i have to go to sunny's because she came to my show out of pity. but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything. i'm broke. and the only reason i'm not evicted is because P came through and gave me some money and i got another check from the movie. otherwise i'd have been in the red. my car's about to fall apart. my phone's falling apart and i can't afford a new anything because i ruin everything because i'm a fucking loser.
i can't keep any friends because i'm too lazy and selfish.
the end.
i feel fat and lazy and like every time my i feel good about myself it's just mania-based delusion. because these are the facts. i'm selfish and i don't keep up with people and even this writing is fucking selfish loser bullshit. i have to go to sunny's because she came to my show out of pity. but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything. i'm broke. and the only reason i'm not evicted is because P came through and gave me some money and i got another check from the movie. otherwise i'd have been in the red. my car's about to fall apart. my phone's falling apart and i can't afford a new anything because i ruin everything because i'm a fucking loser.
i can't keep any friends because i'm too lazy and selfish.
the end.
Fourth of July
So, today is the fourth of July, and I was invited up to Mal-au-booboo, but I am not going... Cuz I really gotta go to work.
Vinnie called me again Friday night as I was on my way to my show and actually sounded kinda pissed, even though I'd left him a buncha messages last week saying I had this show, etc... and I really, really need to make some dough. I was gonna go last night but I woke up yesterday feeling a little sick, so I texted him and he said it was fine... But I gotta go tonight. If we're open that is, which I assume we are...
Also it's my friend Sunny's birthday. Sunny, as I said, is an angel, who came to my show Friday and also gave me a ticket to this play yesterday that was really awesome. So she's having a get together Im gonna go to for a couple hours before work... Sigh, work. I'm so overit right now.
Friday's show actually went awesome, N and C and Emmy and an old friend from an acting class I took, Christine, was there with her boyfriend, and Sunny and a guy I was gonna work on some music with and his boyfriend, and a friend E who came to my last show that I met at the club... there was an audience there too, but other than that, none of my "friends" who CONFIRMED they'd be there for the second time.
So I was just in a hideous mood. Just hideous.
When I saw how late it was running, and how many FRIENDZ didn't show up, I was just like, to the sound guy, just cancel it, you might as well shut down, and he was like, well Leo's coming to see you (the club guy/booker), and he never leaves his house.
But I went up, and they let me play a way longer set, and people were actually singing along to some of my covers, and I got a bunch of cards after... and Leo talked to me after, and said he wanted to talk to me about my music. I just assumed, he was hitting me, cuz that's the way of this goddamn world. But then I talked to him, and he wrote me this really eloquent straight-up e-mail in response saying Yeah I thought you were attractive, I'm not gonna lie, but when I heard you I was seriously impressed. I've started the careers of a lot of well known artists. You should ask around about me. I wouldn't do that because it would hurt my reputation musically, and my integrity, more importantly. But I respect you for throwing it out there... Sure I'd like to hang out and get to know you but music comes first.
And I did ask around about him. And it's good.
He wants to play a show together at a couple really popular here, like his band and mine (or me rather, band lackthereof), and he can get anyone to come... So... we'll see... He also told me I need a band, strings and drums (and he described the kind of drumming -"textures"- my word!) and I am totally stoked.
But we'll see.
Right now I'm in a shit mood cuz my throat still hurts and I have so much to do.
Vinnie called me again Friday night as I was on my way to my show and actually sounded kinda pissed, even though I'd left him a buncha messages last week saying I had this show, etc... and I really, really need to make some dough. I was gonna go last night but I woke up yesterday feeling a little sick, so I texted him and he said it was fine... But I gotta go tonight. If we're open that is, which I assume we are...
Also it's my friend Sunny's birthday. Sunny, as I said, is an angel, who came to my show Friday and also gave me a ticket to this play yesterday that was really awesome. So she's having a get together Im gonna go to for a couple hours before work... Sigh, work. I'm so overit right now.
Friday's show actually went awesome, N and C and Emmy and an old friend from an acting class I took, Christine, was there with her boyfriend, and Sunny and a guy I was gonna work on some music with and his boyfriend, and a friend E who came to my last show that I met at the club... there was an audience there too, but other than that, none of my "friends" who CONFIRMED they'd be there for the second time.
So I was just in a hideous mood. Just hideous.
When I saw how late it was running, and how many FRIENDZ didn't show up, I was just like, to the sound guy, just cancel it, you might as well shut down, and he was like, well Leo's coming to see you (the club guy/booker), and he never leaves his house.
But I went up, and they let me play a way longer set, and people were actually singing along to some of my covers, and I got a bunch of cards after... and Leo talked to me after, and said he wanted to talk to me about my music. I just assumed, he was hitting me, cuz that's the way of this goddamn world. But then I talked to him, and he wrote me this really eloquent straight-up e-mail in response saying Yeah I thought you were attractive, I'm not gonna lie, but when I heard you I was seriously impressed. I've started the careers of a lot of well known artists. You should ask around about me. I wouldn't do that because it would hurt my reputation musically, and my integrity, more importantly. But I respect you for throwing it out there... Sure I'd like to hang out and get to know you but music comes first.
And I did ask around about him. And it's good.
He wants to play a show together at a couple really popular here, like his band and mine (or me rather, band lackthereof), and he can get anyone to come... So... we'll see... He also told me I need a band, strings and drums (and he described the kind of drumming -"textures"- my word!) and I am totally stoked.
But we'll see.
Right now I'm in a shit mood cuz my throat still hurts and I have so much to do.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Bonkers, Brilliant, or Brave?
from another letter to julian, from last night. i saw him today. nothing happened, but, it's always good to see him...
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
layout colors
I've decided to stick with layout for now... especially before I learn how to make the blog title at the top this logo... which is what I wanna do... but I'm gonna try to offset the pinkiness, cuz I'm not really that pink a person... I'm more red... by changing the colors of the letters. Hehe. Stay tuned as a futz around with this. LOL.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Ibid. Letter to Julian 6.23.10
So the next time I saw Julian we had crazy telepathroomsex again. After that letter.
That was... last Friday... and then this week... he called me and I missed it... wanted to change my appointment time, oddly, because he ended up saying it would've been fine to keep the same one, but better to change it, and it was after I hadn't written him in a couple days. Hehe. So I saw him on Wednesday. He was like, just joking around with me, the whole time, I know this sounds repetitive, but I don't care, cuz it's progressing... It just becomes more and more, like this... Like yesterday, it was even more date chatty than usual... We were quoting Eckhart Tolle back and forth in his accent... then he told me about this presentation he's doing, and he was getting kinda excited about it, and he talked about his forensic stuff and the expert testimony he gave and I was less all over him than I am sometimes because I really wanted to talk about stuff too, and he was like really opinionated about stuff... like he just said "Yeah, I think that seems like a better niche for you. And then you can go visit them in France... That sounds better than going to the motherland with what's-her-hair..."
HE'S going to France...
And I was talking about PallMall and feeling like a ho, and all the crap he pulls... I was just talking about it openly, I mentioned how he constantly talks about M--- his big stupid movie star client and this stupid scandal going on, and J was like, oh, there was this commenting in Huffington Post-- and I cut him off like, Wait, HuffPo writes about this shit?? and he was like No, it was just a commenter, and then he told me this funny thing...
And he kept making fun of PallMall types and the name-dropping, like:
J: "Yeah, yeah, I know M--, yeah, M--! Yeah, we're cool! I mean it's M---, if I know M---, I must be cool?" You know, if they know M---, you know you're all right, it just kind of weeds out the riff-raff.... Hahaha....
I even told him about Elliot and how I told Elliot about him that one night, about being in love with him I mean, and how he was having a baby, cuz Elliot was too, and I told Julian I made that joke about everyone's having a damn baby and Elliot heard me, and he laughed... Julian did I mean...
And then he said this really beautiful thing... when I was talking about the LIE that is my being with Paul... he said I don't think it's that uncommon... I think the problem is just that see through it, and you are not comfortable with it, because you CARE... Being someone ELSE, you can do it, you're a fine actor, you can play this role for the benefit of other people, and it's okay to do that... on a Machiavellian level, for connections, strategically, tactically, but if you do it on a personal level... you can keep playing the role and you can keep it up and you can drag it out but ultimately, it has no foundation. And it will collapse. And it will cause you pain.
And then, we lingered for a bit after the session...
But what am I talking about? He's going to be in France for two and a half weeks. He said maybe we should talk about this... we haven't gone that long without seeing each other...
He's going to be with his family.
I have NO money at all. I cannot pay my bills. I got here again. I got HIGH on being around these glamorous people and Julian and playing these concerts and thinking I'm so fucking SPECIAL and now I looked at my bank account and now the truth all. Now it all collapsed, just now.
But last night I wrote him and I said you know... Julian what you said about playing the role... I've been doing that all my life. All my life. All my life. Before I met you. And that's just the truth.
And yeah. It all collapsed. And I am in pain.
That was... last Friday... and then this week... he called me and I missed it... wanted to change my appointment time, oddly, because he ended up saying it would've been fine to keep the same one, but better to change it, and it was after I hadn't written him in a couple days. Hehe. So I saw him on Wednesday. He was like, just joking around with me, the whole time, I know this sounds repetitive, but I don't care, cuz it's progressing... It just becomes more and more, like this... Like yesterday, it was even more date chatty than usual... We were quoting Eckhart Tolle back and forth in his accent... then he told me about this presentation he's doing, and he was getting kinda excited about it, and he talked about his forensic stuff and the expert testimony he gave and I was less all over him than I am sometimes because I really wanted to talk about stuff too, and he was like really opinionated about stuff... like he just said "Yeah, I think that seems like a better niche for you. And then you can go visit them in France... That sounds better than going to the motherland with what's-her-hair..."
HE'S going to France...
And I was talking about PallMall and feeling like a ho, and all the crap he pulls... I was just talking about it openly, I mentioned how he constantly talks about M--- his big stupid movie star client and this stupid scandal going on, and J was like, oh, there was this commenting in Huffington Post-- and I cut him off like, Wait, HuffPo writes about this shit?? and he was like No, it was just a commenter, and then he told me this funny thing...
And he kept making fun of PallMall types and the name-dropping, like:
J: "Yeah, yeah, I know M--, yeah, M--! Yeah, we're cool! I mean it's M---, if I know M---, I must be cool?" You know, if they know M---, you know you're all right, it just kind of weeds out the riff-raff.... Hahaha....
I even told him about Elliot and how I told Elliot about him that one night, about being in love with him I mean, and how he was having a baby, cuz Elliot was too, and I told Julian I made that joke about everyone's having a damn baby and Elliot heard me, and he laughed... Julian did I mean...
And then he said this really beautiful thing... when I was talking about the LIE that is my being with Paul... he said I don't think it's that uncommon... I think the problem is just that see through it, and you are not comfortable with it, because you CARE... Being someone ELSE, you can do it, you're a fine actor, you can play this role for the benefit of other people, and it's okay to do that... on a Machiavellian level, for connections, strategically, tactically, but if you do it on a personal level... you can keep playing the role and you can keep it up and you can drag it out but ultimately, it has no foundation. And it will collapse. And it will cause you pain.
And then, we lingered for a bit after the session...
But what am I talking about? He's going to be in France for two and a half weeks. He said maybe we should talk about this... we haven't gone that long without seeing each other...
He's going to be with his family.
I have NO money at all. I cannot pay my bills. I got here again. I got HIGH on being around these glamorous people and Julian and playing these concerts and thinking I'm so fucking SPECIAL and now I looked at my bank account and now the truth all. Now it all collapsed, just now.
But last night I wrote him and I said you know... Julian what you said about playing the role... I've been doing that all my life. All my life. All my life. Before I met you. And that's just the truth.
And yeah. It all collapsed. And I am in pain.
Letter to Julian 6.23.10
there is a REALLY long list of things i would do, for 97 minutes of time alone with you to watch Word Wars, this really batshit bonkers documentary about tournament Scrabble players.
i would even NotTouch you, if that were part of the bargain, though I really think you oughtta be leaving work at work, not letting it gatecrash people's dreamscapes. besides they need sleep too you know, these rules, yes, they're tough, but we've seen what exhaustion can do to even the best soldiers... they might give out entirely ... they might start playing for the other side. and i actually really love your rules. i love your rules. i love following them, and you should feel smug. you should if there is any sort of to sense to how people feel about themselves you SHOULD feel smug and GOD BLESS YOU and you're sexy when you're smug but these rules, now, now the thought of having to follow them in the following situation, is giving me the beginnings of an anxiety attack, actually, it's actually not pleasant in any way, but beggars can't. so. for 97 minutes just me and just you and a parquet floor, Word Wars and one quilt and one pillow (we would have to share it, touching or not) and 1 gallon stillvasser, 2 carafes german riesling, picnic:
sandwiches-- portuguese rolls with cream cheese and raspberry jam or
toasted pumpernickel w big dill-y chicken cutlets or sesame bagel with smoked salmon and butter and capers or baguette with prosciutto and olive oil and mozz or cheddar cheese toasted with heirloom tomatoes on english muffins, ww., with salt.
pickles, crispy, crunchy, not like trafficlight green or roar-ange in hue... and carrots- no tray of like broccoli/tomato/ashy-baby-carrot/limp-celery-mourning around a reservoir of ejaculate bluecheese/ranch "dip" bullshit, right?
one ton of blueberries
toblerone or pecan pie
Table Top coffee, for aesthetic symmetry, symbolism.
louise. i am hungry.
we can't do all of that in an hour and a half glued to a screen. wait. i need a week of this... 9 days, seven hours maybe?? um, you just keep watching the credits i'm gonna go over there now and :::under breath::: keep sucking on the spout of whatever genie lamp i got me here in the first place........ NO WISHING FOR MORE WISHES, ALADDIN, al-Hamdil Allah! I'm not, I'm not, I'm just amending... I'm... 9 months, 7 Tuesdays??? 97 million minutes? Kill the No Touching Rule?? PLEASE, DJIN!!!
But in all seriousness Julian. Really reallly. Promise me, unless somehow you already have, that you will not watch that movie without me. Please. I know, that means to you, you'll probably never watch it, well, it's not that big of a loss, okay, is my promise to you, it's just a silly stupid movie... and, you can watch pieces of it, like, read about it, whatever else, just please promise me you won't watch the movie start to finish alone or with anybody else, please... I really mean that. And I'm not going to ask you. Because you'll say no, just on principle, and THAT WOULD MAKE ME SO SAD. I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I can'tcan'tcan'tICANT. I don't want to be that sad, what would you tell me, beautiful bww about thoughts like that. You would probably say I should be embracing (or well you wouldn't say embracing, necessarily) the present moment and I'm saying, I am. I am. You always bring it back around to that, so I always think about it, and I do it, and I'm seeing all the beautiful moments. My cat is lying on my feet, There's this good song. I played for a bunch of people tonight and I didn't get any kind of nerves or terror. I still felt irritable afterwards, but... and yes, I did, I needed to hear you saying this again, about everything, okayness of things and organic chemistry and defaults and baseline emotions and the need for the correction and I just can't, in honoring the present moment, take my head out of the golden sand of your island for fearing of being washed away by tide into that cold dark luminous but dark ocean that I love but don't want to swim in alone forever, there is no forever, there is no tomorrow, I don't like it when you talk about nevers and impossibilities, how can you tell me things are impossible and to train my focus on Impossible one minute and only Right Now the next?
i would even NotTouch you, if that were part of the bargain, though I really think you oughtta be leaving work at work, not letting it gatecrash people's dreamscapes. besides they need sleep too you know, these rules, yes, they're tough, but we've seen what exhaustion can do to even the best soldiers... they might give out entirely ... they might start playing for the other side. and i actually really love your rules. i love your rules. i love following them, and you should feel smug. you should if there is any sort of to sense to how people feel about themselves you SHOULD feel smug and GOD BLESS YOU and you're sexy when you're smug but these rules, now, now the thought of having to follow them in the following situation, is giving me the beginnings of an anxiety attack, actually, it's actually not pleasant in any way, but beggars can't. so. for 97 minutes just me and just you and a parquet floor, Word Wars and one quilt and one pillow (we would have to share it, touching or not) and 1 gallon stillvasser, 2 carafes german riesling, picnic:
sandwiches-- portuguese rolls with cream cheese and raspberry jam or
toasted pumpernickel w big dill-y chicken cutlets or sesame bagel with smoked salmon and butter and capers or baguette with prosciutto and olive oil and mozz or cheddar cheese toasted with heirloom tomatoes on english muffins, ww., with salt.
pickles, crispy, crunchy, not like trafficlight green or roar-ange in hue... and carrots- no tray of like broccoli/tomato/ashy-baby-carrot/limp-celery-mourning around a reservoir of ejaculate bluecheese/ranch "dip" bullshit, right?
one ton of blueberries
toblerone or pecan pie
Table Top coffee, for aesthetic symmetry, symbolism.
louise. i am hungry.
we can't do all of that in an hour and a half glued to a screen. wait. i need a week of this... 9 days, seven hours maybe?? um, you just keep watching the credits i'm gonna go over there now and :::under breath::: keep sucking on the spout of whatever genie lamp i got me here in the first place........ NO WISHING FOR MORE WISHES, ALADDIN, al-Hamdil Allah! I'm not, I'm not, I'm just amending... I'm... 9 months, 7 Tuesdays??? 97 million minutes? Kill the No Touching Rule?? PLEASE, DJIN!!!
But in all seriousness Julian. Really reallly. Promise me, unless somehow you already have, that you will not watch that movie without me. Please. I know, that means to you, you'll probably never watch it, well, it's not that big of a loss, okay, is my promise to you, it's just a silly stupid movie... and, you can watch pieces of it, like, read about it, whatever else, just please promise me you won't watch the movie start to finish alone or with anybody else, please... I really mean that. And I'm not going to ask you. Because you'll say no, just on principle, and THAT WOULD MAKE ME SO SAD. I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I can'tcan'tcan'tICANT. I don't want to be that sad, what would you tell me, beautiful bww about thoughts like that. You would probably say I should be embracing (or well you wouldn't say embracing, necessarily) the present moment and I'm saying, I am. I am. You always bring it back around to that, so I always think about it, and I do it, and I'm seeing all the beautiful moments. My cat is lying on my feet, There's this good song. I played for a bunch of people tonight and I didn't get any kind of nerves or terror. I still felt irritable afterwards, but... and yes, I did, I needed to hear you saying this again, about everything, okayness of things and organic chemistry and defaults and baseline emotions and the need for the correction and I just can't, in honoring the present moment, take my head out of the golden sand of your island for fearing of being washed away by tide into that cold dark luminous but dark ocean that I love but don't want to swim in alone forever, there is no forever, there is no tomorrow, I don't like it when you talk about nevers and impossibilities, how can you tell me things are impossible and to train my focus on Impossible one minute and only Right Now the next?
Ex Ballerinas
I have to go shoot this interview for a film Celine's friend is making about ex ballerinas. He sent me an e-mail with the questions. I know I'm dutybound by the first rule of Fight Club to only say good things about Fight Club, and to talk about the instructors and choreographers and other dancers with adulation as hi fructose corn syrup oozes out of the corners of my mouth but I wanna say that as soulful and incredible as the life can be it's soulcrushing (and bonecrushing and anorexifying) for most, and that 999 out of 1000 ballerinas are ex ballerinas after a few years, and its kind of a dead art, like jazz or classical music or even a lot of theatre, sadly, most of whats done that's good is just, technix, if not PYROTECHNICS, which is really sad.
And that I'm eternally grateful for it because it got me the hell out of dodge and to all sorts of cool places I would've never gone...
And then one of the questions of course is: What do you do now? Do you use your dance training in any way today? And of course I'm gonna say, well, sure, the discipline I learned, the blafuckingbla, respect for my body (yeah right, most classical ballet dancers battle their bodies on the daily), and art and blah. And I'm a student, now. The truth would actually be great. Now? Oh, now I'm a dancer. Yes, I use my dance training. I make a living dancing.
But I don't actually, I feel like I've had to unlearn a lot of it, to dance "dance" no it's really dancing, it's just really different, I mean, it's all dancing, but with ballet, there are just some really unsexy specifics....
Anyway.
I have to go throw myself in the wash and do that right now. I'm kinda overit. Yesterday was genius. More later.
And that I'm eternally grateful for it because it got me the hell out of dodge and to all sorts of cool places I would've never gone...
And then one of the questions of course is: What do you do now? Do you use your dance training in any way today? And of course I'm gonna say, well, sure, the discipline I learned, the blafuckingbla, respect for my body (yeah right, most classical ballet dancers battle their bodies on the daily), and art and blah. And I'm a student, now. The truth would actually be great. Now? Oh, now I'm a dancer. Yes, I use my dance training. I make a living dancing.
But I don't actually, I feel like I've had to unlearn a lot of it, to dance "dance" no it's really dancing, it's just really different, I mean, it's all dancing, but with ballet, there are just some really unsexy specifics....
Anyway.
I have to go throw myself in the wash and do that right now. I'm kinda overit. Yesterday was genius. More later.
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