Ibid. Letter to Julian 6.23.10

So the next time I saw Julian we had crazy telepathroomsex again. After that letter.

That was... last Friday... and then this week... he called me and I missed it... wanted to change my appointment time, oddly, because he ended up saying it would've been fine to keep the same one, but better to change it, and it was after I hadn't written him in a couple days. Hehe. So I saw him on Wednesday. He was like, just joking around with me, the whole time, I know this sounds repetitive, but I don't care, cuz it's progressing... It just becomes more and more, like this... Like yesterday, it was even more date chatty than usual... We were quoting Eckhart Tolle back and forth in his accent... then he told me about this presentation he's doing, and he was getting kinda excited about it, and he talked about his forensic stuff and the expert testimony he gave and I was less all over him than I am sometimes because I really wanted to talk about stuff too, and he was like really opinionated about stuff... like he just said "Yeah, I think that seems like a better niche for you. And then you can go visit them in France... That sounds better than going to the motherland with what's-her-hair..."

HE'S going to France...

And I was talking about PallMall and feeling like a ho, and all the crap he pulls... I was just talking about it openly, I mentioned how he constantly talks about M--- his big stupid movie star client and this stupid scandal going on, and J was like, oh, there was this commenting in Huffington Post-- and I cut him off like, Wait, HuffPo writes about this shit?? and he was like No, it was just a commenter, and then he told me this funny thing...

And he kept making fun of PallMall types and the name-dropping, like:

J: "Yeah, yeah, I know M--, yeah, M--! Yeah, we're cool! I mean it's M---, if I know M---, I must be cool?" You know, if they know M---, you know you're all right, it just kind of weeds out the riff-raff.... Hahaha....

I even told him about Elliot and how I told Elliot about him that one night, about being in love with him I mean, and how he was having a baby, cuz Elliot was too, and I told Julian I made that joke about everyone's having a damn baby and Elliot heard me, and he laughed... Julian did I mean...

And then he said this really beautiful thing... when I was talking about the LIE that is my being with Paul... he said I don't think it's that uncommon... I think the problem is just that see through it, and you are not comfortable with it, because you CARE... Being someone ELSE, you can do it, you're a fine actor, you can play this role for the benefit of other people, and it's okay to do that... on a Machiavellian level, for connections, strategically, tactically, but if you do it on a personal level... you can keep playing the role and you can keep it up and you can drag it out but ultimately, it has no foundation. And it will collapse. And it will cause you pain.




And then, we lingered for a bit after the session...

But what am I talking about? He's going to be in France for two and a half weeks. He said maybe we should talk about this... we haven't gone that long without seeing each other...

He's going to be with his family.

I have NO money at all. I cannot pay my bills. I got here again. I got HIGH on being around these glamorous people and Julian and playing these concerts and thinking I'm so fucking SPECIAL and now I looked at my bank account and now the truth all. Now it all collapsed, just now.

But last night I wrote him and I said you know... Julian what you said about playing the role... I've been doing that all my life. All my life. All my life. Before I met you. And that's just the truth.

And yeah. It all collapsed. And I am in pain.