Let it be written and let it be done

Laaaa, okay. Laaa, ugh, what to say?

On the last leg of work-in-progress, the last push, and there were the holidays, and then Elena's coming here Friday for 5 days, for NYE, and I'm stoked, but, I'm in such a work mode, gahhh... I'll definitely be wanting to go into the stoody at least some of those days, and she's welcome to come but I know she won't wanna come more than once and just sit there for hours, it'll be boring... but... good good all good things I just really wanna finish before my b-day.

And I have to get back to Work-Work a little. CASH-POOR. And I have no time right now nor do I wanna interrupt the flow. And I don't wanna drink. And I don't wanna party.

MEHHHHHHHHHHHHH

When it rains it f.n. pours.

To Bathwater: Your turn to say I told you so.

So Bathwater once commented on one of my frantic Julian posts and said that "now [i'll] go on holding his perfect unattainable image as this romantic ideal, and no one will ever be able to live up to the fantasy."

Well B. I think you were right. I've been secretive in this blog largely because I've been busy, with all the stuff I've been working on, just no time or privacy or energy to write, also superstition and not wanting to write about the actual work, cuz it's boring to talk about art, and because some people have found it...

But the thing is. I still have these feelings for J, I've had them intensely, and I realize it is something I'm holding onto that serves some weird purpose but... maybe it's time to let it go, for real.

So. Maybe it's time to let it go for real.

go ahead and say it:

Still here, still weird

Heh.

Yes, I've had to be veiled and secretive. But one possible lurker has just sworn on a stack of bibles they'd stop haunting the place. And I believe him. So, you know who you are, if you're reading this right now, shame on you, it ain't gonna do ya any good, and it's just precisely the very thing I've told you I find disrespectful and unappealing AND, there's a difference between deceit, and keeping secrets, and simply wanting mental privacy; allow me to have my thoughts. They'll only hurt you if you sniff around where you oughtn't.

Anyhoo.

Quite enough on that.

I am currently AT Table Top, and have resigned to the fact that I probably won't see Julian today... Just a feeling... I dunno... It being the holidays and all I wasn't even sure if he'd be in town, but I lurked the parking lot and indeed I see his car. Well, who knows.

About the Christmas card--- next post :-)

Merry Christmas everyone. Or did I already... I dunno... I don't have any plans :-( Sad, huh? I'll do something though. And Elena's coming here for 5 days for new years!!!! Wahoo!!!

Unusual Activity.

I tried signing in just now and was told google had detected unusual activity on my account.

I changed my pw and shit. But this is really beginning to piss me off...

Sigh...

I wanna get done with my projects and start seeing the sun again and even going back to work and just normalizing out a little out of this (albeit amazing and wonderful but) hole.

I feel kinda sleepy all the time.

And I haven't seen any people in ages.

Merry Christmas to everyone though--

Love you all.

S-)O

the solstice and lunar eclipse and prayers for rain

So last night was a full moon and a full lunar eclipse and the winter solstice in one night, and i've been signed up for this shit for months... but my outpoured soul is raining down on los angeles, and has been for so long i can't even remember, really... whenever i think about...

i want to write about...

but, i have to be alone at home. and i'm not right now... at the studio, decided that fuck-all if overstaked people are reading my shit. it's a bad idea, and they won't get anything out of it. but yeah. no writing about my secret other lover two feet away from my other lover.

i love playing the piano more than anything in the whole wide world.

i'm gonna try to go stake out JD tomorrow. haven't really been able to with these sheets of rain. which always accompany and coincide with a particular tone of feeling i get about him...

okay.

I am at just about my last straw here. I can't even write anything on here because it's not private anymore, and so many people can read it. Not that they are, but they have, and who knows. I don't trust anyone. All our hard work will go to shit because someone is being a real fucking child. I'm trying to do everything in my power to just pretend this behavior isn't extremely wrong and fucked up but it's really difficult, to try to WORK, and be a fucking den mother to everybody's fragile egos. Ugh.

k, no, i'm gonna be back and writing real soon.

i have this cursed final tonight, and then i'm gonna be REAL free. well no. not at all. still a lot to do but this class was really just making it all impossible.

wheeeeeeeeee.

TwinSpeaks

So, the text conversation I had with C just now whilst at Table Top, where I went to study for today's final (not without hope of a Julian sighting, whose Christmas card I'll address in the next post...) as follows (C is in italics):

1 36: Feeling better???

1 48: Yes, quite a bit better than yesterday... Still slightly weakened but nothing like the alien takeover... You?

1 53: Zantar pennum kerxi nooptik. Vrzypo jheex meupplo!

1 54: Oh nicht! Still that bad??

1 55: Nope. Xlnt actually. They're just still in me brain. Coming down the hill very soon.

1 56: In your brain as in there to fester, or on your mind, as in you'll be sending them a dozen roses sometime soon? Haha. Ew omg Gargamel is sitting in my coffee shop!!!

1 57: Btw there's a luktar stuck in my right ear. Though his buddies peace'd already, he's sticking around.

1 57: No!!! Gargamel is at the table top????

1 58: But now we understand, it's a bit of a ghey hangout, no?

2 13: Dway, but what a red letter day!! The mystery of old Gargle solved at last. But it also means he terrorizes my spot. There's the rub.

2 14: Urgh, I had sent that text 20 minutes ago and was just apprised it didn't go through due to a "packet error." Sounds like something in my R homework.

2 19: Well we've got ourselves a new phrase for our arsenal. It works in many relevant situations.

2 20: Yes. Saturday evening a packet error caused a temporary lapse in sanity.

2 23: Ha! And I dropped a packet error directly below the clickclack.

2 24: HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

2 28: Speaking of luktars, I still have three of 'em taking a gentle/prenatal yoga class on my forehead, and a couple wet monkeys swinging on my tonsils.

2 31: Lo siento mucho!!! Thought it was just a 24 hr bug.



So that's how me and C converse. Like we were raised in the wilderness together.

Translations available upon request.



And yes, L&G. I'm baaaa-aaaack.


Love and languages,

Scarlet O

a pain in the buttbones.

Soooo, we've all been away for a while it seems. Falltime. Always busy for every bee.

My bed is crap. It's shite. I slept on the floor last night, and I feel okay for the first time in... months?

I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac; I just ignore shit 'til it goes away; I'm never sick (well I'm sick sometimes... but its almost always just the direct cause of drug or alcohol withdrawal... hahaha) and I've never had any conditions or anything (hear no see no speak no jinx). So I've actually had mad pain of the Buttbone for like, months, it hurts when I'm sitting down, after like 20 minutes... I have to stand up or shift around-- it REALLY hurts. Like a mother. And I've been saying in the Buttbone, cuz I couldn't really tell what the fuck it was. And I just assumed it was from taking vicoshit or some kind of muscular overuse from dancing or running like a maniac or a wrong move in yoga....

And then C one day after sleeping in my bed was like... Now I have that thing too... the pain in the buttbone, haha, and I've never had it before... I think it's your BED...

So... I laid down that night... and realized it hurt like a snatch cuz the PoS it so saggy and droopy my whole butt just droops down into the center. And like... I wasn't sure WHY that made it hurt but it seemed like it FN did. And after some extensive google searching, I found the exist fucking symptoms, and its called piniformis syndrome and its a pain in the buttbone, a gluteal glitch, said it happens to athletes and its caused by forward moving sports because the legs move in the direction so much those muscles hypertrophy and make other muscles around them asymmetrically weak (and I fucking was always saying my buttmuscle is hypertrophied if anyone remembers cuz of the ghetto booty and the pain in the buttbone and I thought I made that word up, like, it was a joke) and my BED, makes my legs just go forward all the time like I'm SKIING cuz my BUTT is sunk 3 feet lower than my knees!! Eureeeka!!! and THEN it said it was hard to treat a certain way cuz the piniformis is such a deep muscle (and THATS why it feels like its in the BONES.) So obviously my bed-- is shit. Its a hammock. A hamstrungout hammock, that fucks the hamstrings, and causes piniformis syndrome, which I'm godsworn I had. GODSWORN.

And some people go to like PHYSICAL THERAPY over this and take BOTOX injections locally to relax their buttbone and some even go to FN surgery, but like I'm just stretching and sitting differently and conscious of my buttbones being tight and deliberately relaxing them cuz I'm not retarded, and I can do that, so it's going away.

Ugh.

I CANNOT afford a new mattress.

Hear No, See No, Speak No Evil.

hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil

magic.

i'm feeling positively mansine.

interesting discussion w p tonight about magic powers, magic powers accessed, magic powers understood, magic powers gone haywire.... all relevant topics right now. sigh!!!

my powers are very strong tonight. oh yes. they have been very strong.

my hair is a lot shinier this color though. finally as shiny as my tiptip's. (thats another nickname for madeline.) (my cat, for those who've forgotten.)

Deep Brain Thrombosis

"Well, if it didn't happen, if you didn't take a hit from this recession and were still... making really good money, and coasting, with the commercials... then maybe you'd still feel satisfied... or feel like you felt satisfied... for years... instead of changing what needs to be changed..." I'm saying to C standing outside of the studio in the cold moonlight night.

He leaned back against the whitewashed brick and brought his hand to his chin, as though holding a gun, and pulled the trigger.

"Yeah. Trust me... I just, I just had the same experience... when things just inexplicably stop working out, when you just feel like you lose again and again for no reason, it's, it might be telling you something has to change."

He sighed and put his hands on my shoulders. "Once again, Scarlet, you're a brilliant philosopher... Thank you..."

He's going on vacation tomorrow, and I'm leaving town to go shoot for two weeks almost.

My brain is afog from homework and life and music and changes ahead of me. I want to take my own advice; I'm here at the studio right now but there's someone else here which annoys me cuz I was saying I was coming over for hours, I ran here, and he didn't say anyone was over, and I'm kind of... foggy, and tired, and sickish... I just don't feel good, or social, I just don't feel like sitting here with a bunch of dudes. Ugh.

Gonna put this down for now.

I just ran my six miles and I saw, another incredible, I mean the Form of the Shooting Star.

I saw it overhead, coming, I was like What...... I thought, okay that must be a really fast plane of some kind flying really low, but then, its silver fat tail glimmered into dust and so did it, breaking off into pieces red and gold...... I couldn't believe it.... a couple cars slowed too.... most of them didn't though... didn't see it... didn't notice... who's looking.....

I was right across from Julian's office. Heh. Of course...

Now look about C... I'm not, I'm not caught up like this. I don't expect anything from him. I did NOT expect to hear he and his wife are splitting up. Sure, sometimes I have little flights of fancy about stuff in the future. But I care about our goddamn project. Relationships are just not important right now. Despite what my heart says, every now and again.

Walls--

And I still have a big old flame burning for Julian.

I just saw him. At Table Top again, where I was studying, or trying to study. I had a dream about him last night, that he changed his car and I couldn't find him, it was silly-- but I knew I'd see him today. He walked by me like usual and didn't say anything and went inside and I wasn't even sure it was him and I kept looking in there and when he came out I sort of gave him a salute/"hi" like ooooookay if you're gonna walk right by me, suit yourself. And he stopped and walked over to me and said, You changed your hair...

And I said, I'm undercover.

And he said What? and leaned in toward me, and I said, undercover.

And he said, it suits you...

And I said, Are you in a hurry?

And he said, I've got a three o' clock, yeah, and I said, Okay well off you go then and he said Okay see you soon, I like your hair, and I laughed.

For the record, I'm not in pain--

I mean-- sure, I'm in some pain sometimes. Sometimes this hurts and I think oh god stupid stupid why are you wasting your youth on these men but- with C, first things first, and first things are my record things. So whatever happens between us and whatever he's going through and whatever I'm going through doesn't interrupt or impede it only enhances. And it really does. And there's NO ONE else in the world that can do what he does. And I've worried before about, well, what now, are you treating me different, is this gonna be a problem, this can't be this is my life this is my life in your hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and every time he says, stop. stop bringing your past disappointments in here. its my life too. its my work too.

And I know to trust him. I haven't been WRONG about whom to trust. And I can't, anyway, fully, I mean, I have high, tall, brick walls up now. Did I see this coming, I'll just say, I didn't NOT see it coming, but, it doesn't matter, it's not the issue, I don't know, I'll deal with it, it's my work, it's my life, it's not bullshit.

And I am in less pain, and less often, than I've been in a while.. so...

And I don't feel bad for his wife. Or for Julian's. Both of them, I just don't understand, married these boring dull women and got the seven-year itch and then it falls apart and I just feel like, that's just the type they go for. When it comes down to commitment.

Is it??

Zdrastvotye, menya zovut Scarlet y ya...

Hello, my name is Scarlet and I am a Chronic Homewrecker...

So.

Okay. Over the past couple months of creating musical magic with him, I have begun to develop an enormous artcrush on C. Clearly. We spend a lot of time together. Late nights. Inside jokes. Booze. Booze, because I get self-conscious and stiff when I'm playing for expensive recording equipment, and being tense or stiff or nervous makes you suck, and a couple hefty chugs of vodka really help the situation. He lays down on the floor when I play and closes his eyes and listens. I lay down on the floor and watch him point microphones at speakers and play an electric guitar and six pedals at the same time and then close my eyes and listen to what comes out. He looks like one of the characters in a videogame my brother used to play when we were little. I call him that, as a nickname. He's married. Right now.

On Saturday night a couple weeks ago I went to the studio and there were a couple people there and we were drinking and one of them ended up staying pretty late. He was really funny, the guy, a producer for this really famous hip hop group, but they were talking about all these people they know in common from LA from like the early nineties for hours. Obviously I couldn't add anything to the conversation. The guy also wouldn't really believe I was over nineteen years old, which was kind of annoying. So around midnight I started getting really antsy and pretty bored and realized I actually just wanted to be hanging out with C all night and started pacing a little bit and he noticed, and I went to check my phone a bunch of times and even said I should probably get going and he said why don't you play for us, you should hear her play, it's ridiculous, and I said nah, no, and I went and sat down at it and put my foot on the mute pedal and pressed down on the keys silently like a little brat, and after a few minutes C got up and started pacing a little too and then he sat down next to me on the bench and started playing and I started drawing him on this napkin and when I looked up at him he started kissing me and we sat there kissing like that and not moving, and he was still playing these slow beautiful haunting notes, until he played one really quiet, put his arm around my waist and let the chord linger like that, and I let the pen and napkin fall out of hand and put it on his knee and then he started running his fingers through my hair and I was holding my breath and then he stopped and his friend was still there (apparently TWEETING) and he just goes, "All right, man...."

And so, his friend, amused, made up some excuse about having to go wait for someone somewhere and C went upstairs to let him out and he came back down and looked at me and knelt down and laughed and said,

"Well, I knew that would work!"

And I laughed and then he took my hand and I stood up and he picked me up off the ground and making out with me up against the wall and and and et cetera.........

But not all the way et cetera.... he was totally consumed by guilt at some point.... which surprised me. Considering how he is. And where we met. How I've seen him, around women, and stuff, we'd discussed it before, more sorta jokingly, how I kind of assumed he was a male-slut but, quite the opposite... he's another one, married for six years, totally faithful, in a relationship of more like twenty years on and off...

So we've kind of been prancing around town together, at clubs, the studio, around his music buddies and to restaurants and I've made dinner for him and Madeline loves him and the whole nine, and it's been amazing and I'm thrilled that I'm not, again, in this situation, of sitting across somebody mutually wanting to @*&# and not. (Though, I kind of am...)

But, furthermore... C is not the type to just go around with a girlfriend. I feel like I'm just so used to that, like it's just the standard for me, and I just expect it.

But he's actually now in serious, heavy, no-joke divorce mode, and he says he doesn't want to talk about it and no, it's not about me, it's been a long time coming, and it's gotten so close so many times, and it won't affect anything and don't worry about it, and "trust me-- you are not responsible, okay?"

And I'm like, no, I'm NOT. I'm not. I'm not responsible! I'm not asking anymore questions, and I'm trying not to worry about it, and to believe, that these grownups all around me know what they're doing, that I'm not responsible for anyone (or ANYTWO...) married and working with me whose never been unfaithful, or touched a client-- that these no-ring-wearing, 40-year-old, very-successful MEN will not do anything stupid and blame it on me. And then drop out of my life. After I've trusted them and only them with it.

But... I do worry about it, just a little bit. Just a little. Yeah.

When I dye my hair black
It's not a good sign

Magazines are for Idiots.

Okay- a) cat hair, cat hair, everywhere. how does the floor amass so much of her fur. every day. should i brush her or something?
b) I cave and buy fashion magazines sometimes. They're fucking like.. I mean.. "Breaking News! Brushers Beware! ....Brushing your hair while wet can cause breakage... ladidadida. No shit. NO SHIT. REALLY??? Goddamn! Let's get Fox News on this bitch!
c) Anyone else have this problem? I RINSE my goddamn hair after putting in the conditioner for 10 minutes. Straight up. Then I turn off the shower. Feel it's still lathery. Rinse it again. Vigorously. The shit won't come out. This isn't just in my head (it's in my hair, actually.)

Go Go Gadget

Yes I'm a bit overworked... A lot overworked... But actually.

I'm really good. Logging in studio hours. Trudging through schoolwork by Julian's playground (and sometimes at the studio too)...

There's no way to talk about art. Talking about art is like dancing about architecture. And that's been my life lately, so, I find it hard to write... Also the fact that all my creative energy is going to these two outlets, I mean all of it, so that's another factor.

But, yes, good. And, as far as the club, well, I gotta go, and Vinnie called me last night when me and Emmy were at dinner, so it's kinda perfect timing. I heard it got revamped and they changed owners again and got rid of the pool table (THANK GOD) so it might be kinda cool. And, I KINDA miss it. Dancing. Not the rest of it. But it's been so long I can deal with it. I'll probably go in Tuesday night cuz I got class til 9 30 tomorrow.

The haunted hayride and carnival were amazing last night. We had so much fun. Perfect full moon and misty night and the middle of that beautiful forest. Reminded us of home.

I've been cooking pretty much all the time and eating a lot but for some reason getting skinny. I think it's cuz I'm cooking so it's real fucking food and my horse metabolism just kills it. I don't like being too skinny especially for the club... but I'm not really... And I feel better.

So yes.

Miss you all dear readers and sorry for not reading. Will soon. Promise.

XO
S-O

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What do I say when I have too much to say...

Life's been going. I'm sort of struggling with classes again. And sometimes I beat myself up over it. I'm making music. Beautiful music. Mindblown, with C. And life is complicated. I've been sleeping too much. But so clean and sober. Haven't been to the club in over a month. Living on savings. I'll have to go back soon I guess but I just can't.....

So now. I go to Table Top occasionally. Very occasionally. But will start more.

Third time I went, with all my homework, I saw Julian. I was sitting outside, right by the rail, facing away from his office-land, facing my car parked at the failed meter, just in case a Brownie came along to ticket me so I could jump over the gate and stop them. And then. I felt him, behind me. He saw me, I saw him from my periphery... He sort of stopped. Then kept walking past me and I pretended not to see him so when he got to the entrance he stopped and pretended to look at his phone so I looked up at him and pretended to be surprised and he pretended to be surprised and I said Hey! and he said Oh hi! and he walked in the door.

So I got up with my coffee and went inside as he was in line ordering and added some creamer... So he sort of sauntered over to me and leaned on the counter where all the creamers and stuff are and sort of smiled and I said Hi and he said Hey, how are you? and I said, you know-- and he said, just? and I said yeah- and he said, hanging in? and laughed and we stepped over each others words every single time, and then he picked up his order and I said, you know there IS free parking at Table Top. and he said, Yeah, in back? and i said, oh no, I meant the failed meters, and he went, Ahhh, and then I said, yes soooo how have you been, and he said, Just, working, and I said, so, off to work? and he said --and just getting my caffeine...

And it was all very awkward and then he said, So, okay, see ya?

And I said, Bye, smiling, he was too...

That was on Monday. I've been wanting to go on the hikes he goes to but my classes are always in the way... but then I remembered he doesn't actually go with any groups he just goes there at night. So I drove over there and looked for his car... but now it's Halloween and it's all different because they have hayrides and little rides and mirror funhouses and stuff so he probably won't be there til that's over.

But it's beautiful though, and I'm going on the hayrides tonight with Emmy.

Help, help, help, help, help, no? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, I wanna write, and I wanna read, and I need it and I need it and I just don't have the energy when I have time..... It's still so hard all the time, it's still just so hard, it feels nothing changes even when everything changes and I'm just kind of a buoy that bobs up, down and slightly over then back, taken with the tide, drifting and floating and occasionally getting rushed.

I've been working and slacking and spending a lot of time with C which is great, but still, oh still. It's just so hard all the time, it's still just so hard..

And it's harder and harder to write too when I haven't been. I'm almost feeling the same way, with the blog, as I do with all those wonderful "friends" that slipped away in the last year and a half... like it's my fault for not keeping up enough and therefore of course they won't care about me anymore. It doesn't matter.

checking in

hey hey
i miss you guys
i love you all
sorry i've been so out of touch, i've been crazy busy. crazy crazy. i'm so happy with the stuff i'm doing. and so confused and kind of toughing it out with other things, personal things, but for the most part i feel great because i have this purpose, and some good vibes and magic, but yeah, you know, loneliness, chemical imbalances, missing lost loves... still issues...

wishing white magic and splashes of light at all of you

xoxo
love
s-o

i feel funny. i went on a date last night. i really like the guy...

i went to the studio tonight...

i ditched class cuz the album is way more important and i just don't know about all this school business now...

something in me doesn't feel so good right now though... maybe its just late.

i miss julian. i really miss him so much. i wish it wasn't so late. i'm gonna go to bed.

good night.

SOLID.

Okay well Bathwater didn't post another Truth exercise so I'm off the hook.

I talk to P for like 4 hours a day. We're just laughing about how we're shut up in our rooms for months and people think we're flaky and out spending time with other people and neglecting them and get hurt and just don't understand, don't get it, the staying in and writing artist shit. "Friday night, in the crib..." he said. Yup.

I'm really just blown away by C and I sent P (too lazy to come up with names right now hahaha) just this electronic arrangement and me just laying down the piano and vocals for reference recording we just did, and he's freaking out over it, and I sent it to one other person and he FREAKED over it, and I'm freaking over it, and C's freaking over it, and finally in my life I'm just like, Okay, okay, okay this is good... this is really good... I don't know what's gonna come of it, but it's kind of really exciting...

And the show with P is gonna be fucking GOOD... and that's kind of REALLY exciting... and I'm realizing... I have NOT been doing nothing. Holed up in here? Yes. Losing touch with some friends? Unfortunately yes. Fantasizing about J and having no personal life besides? Yup. But I just... just realize... this is some... real shit... for lack of a better expression. And I did not waste a year. NOTHING was a waste. I'm talking about with P, he's a writer (and director and producer and business genius and yeah, workaholic, artist) and he tells me he does the same thing, and I NO LONGER feel bad about it, or like a waste, it's who I am, I'm an artist, I create, and this is the process, for me.

And it might at the expense of a lot of other things. But. What are ya gonna do?

And we talked about also, real friendship. And it's people that get you. That get THAT. Aren't offended by it. Listen. Cut to the chase. And don't judge. Don't judge. Never, ever judge.

ohmyGOOOOOOOOOD

ohmygod C [producer] is a god
ohmygod C is a god
ohmygod C is a god
:::::BOWS:::::


I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW FUCKING GOOD IT SOUNDS

30 Days of Truth-- Day #4

Maybe this is my being lazy but I think it's actually the opposite.

Plus it seems to be a perfect sort of introspective exercise right now.

So I'm jumping on the bandwagon with Bathwater (who discovered the bandwagon through hope dies) and doing this 30 Days of Truth thing.

Today's Day 4, something you have to forgive someone for.

I scrawled something on your page BW but I'm gonna think about it some more and answer it more fully....

Heat Wave

I can't take this heat anymore.
I've been basically asleep for 3 days. I was exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. And the painkillers. And all the work. All the intensity with Julian.
But no-- what it's really been-- is the 113 degree heat and the unairconditioned apartment and the only possible way to get through this misery is to sleep through it.
My muscles again feel atrophied from lack of exercise and I missed a class again.

My friend just said something funny about the blog:
"It really is so precise in its emotion.
You're not wearing much, because there is a heat wave and you're in heat and he's in heat.
It's all so hot."

Hahahahaha.

It can't sustain. Ughhhhhhhh. Please god make it stop now.

The Lie Detector Test

so yesterday i saw him and.. he didnt wanna talk.. he doesnt wanna play this anymore..

he looked so gorgeous though, he had like track pants and a t-shirt the exact color of his eyes and sneakers on... it was the first time id ever seen him not in dress clothes which, i found it really funny, and really endearing that a grown man with an esteemed career where he'd have to wear them every day would call his work clothes "dress clothes" like a 12 year old.

and his pants were black, and his shirt ice grayblue and his hair is black and his eyes are ice grayblue, his arms are kinda tanned and nicely muscled and shaped and i couldnt take my eyes off him, my mind went blank again... and he told a story at the beginning of the session about
how he used to commute from this place near the beach and go and train in the morning and go in the water and then shower and change in the car and i was like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhewroiu23r9tiosdugioldsijkslfjsldogipsdigummmmmmmmmok.

but then he wouldn't chat with me. he'd flirt but every time i started to talk about something he'd shut it down and bring it back, so you wanted to see me here again because you said you didn't want our last session to be like that with you angry at me.

like he made sure to say it was our last session.

so i just got on him.

literally. i crawled over and took his hand. i was wearing hardly anything (we're having a heat wave.) and said how is this hand doing. and he starts laughing and then i stood up and sat on his lap and said Dame, dame el otro mano. and he dame'd it, and laughed (giggled) and started to say something and i said see i need to see how your hands are doing, because they don't lie as much as you do. and he's blinking up at me with his big blue eyes looking particularly like a teenager with his blue t-shirt on and sort of giggling, laughed way too loud at that one, closed his eyes and sort of tilted his head back, "Okay.... Okay, because they don't lie as much as I do.." and I kissed him lightly and he a little tense and started to withdraw his hands which had been squeezing mine the whole time and I was still holding so I held them up and went, sort of breathlessly,

See, this is a lie detector test...

And he laughs, It's a lie detector test, uh huh, ok...

Yeah... it is..

And he's just staring up at me, head cocked to one side, incredulous, like, why are you doing to this me?

And I'm holding hands up making circles in the air, and breathless, Whhhyy dooo.... and I take his palms and put them on my neck....

And he's shaking his head slowly, still looking at me like that, shaking his head, but circling my throat with his big hands, gently.

...you contradict everything you say?

And again, throws his head back laughing way too loud, Why do I contradict everything I say... That's a LOADED question... that's... that's...

And I take my hands off his and put one on his neck and then tug on his hair with the other twice like Beep beep and say Questioning the questions is not gonna throw off the lie detector readout, and then I tug on his hair twice and go, Beep beep.

And he's staring at me and he goes Scarlet... Scarlet...

I'm just... I'm gonna need a little more space...

It was so direct and sincere and not game-y I got off him immediately almost embarrassed and he's still babbling about "...to answer the question fairly I mean and I think anyone would agree, that that is a LOADED question, I mean, ANYONE would agree... like I could say, I don't always contradict myself and you'd say okay well he said not ALWAYS..." as if it's a really fucking lie detector test, because, he TOTALLY really believed it was... I mean, he really did, he really thinks I can read his mind when I'm touching him, and I can, but I mean not like THAT, and I just said,

Okay, how much space? How much more space?

And he stopped and I was already back on the couch and he was still babbling and he stopped and said Well, I...

And I said, Like, months?

And all blue-eyed blinking, "No! No, no..." and then collected completely, "I don't have a specific answer for you..."

...................................................................................................................................................

He mentioned going hiking twice and that the cafe had wireless once yesterday.

I'm just gonna chill and run into him there in like a month. That's it. And no e-mails at all, and certainly no freaking out.

I can do it now.

Ctrl+Z that! :-)

Well, he was undeniably incredibly crass, but I wrote back another long e-mail like wow no we're really on the same page here, i'm not interested in doing that kind of piece, thank you...

Couple back n' forths and cleared it all up because now I'll get to have the article, and the plugs, and classy photos of my choice in that magazine, and its a pretty cool one.

Oh wow ew NEVER MIND

Dunnell Blake Woods to me
show details 7:28 AM (2 minutes ago)

Send me a few photos -- including some with that lovely ass (no pussy
shots) and perhaps showing some boobs.
They don't have to be naked but should be what you are currently about.
And give me some names to plus -- and I'll see if I can edit down
something for you.
What is your stage name -- or can I use your real name?
I will send you the proposed piece before I published it.

Re: possible article for Heights winter issue?

blake-

hah! about surviving in hollywood?? oh i'd love to!!

i have a lot of things to plug........ i started writing new music on the piano (mostly because i became a shut-in and didnt speak to anyone about anything) last winter and started playing out and now (next week actually!) i'm recording an album w the producer from C----------!!! ... and then me and p, my friend whose company that investment was far, are filming this show in like a month in nashville, that im co creating with him, acting in, he's directing- and they're both like, just ideal, like there is no one else i could think of that id trust with the material, both projects are really personal so i'm trusting them with my heart too and i havent had ANYTHING, ANY work, ANY connection, any HOPE--- for like a year and a half-- for almost the whole time i've been out here. so it's FINALLY....

i have a lot to say on it too, one thing being that this whole experience made me realize that i never wanted this thing i thought i wanted, fame, and money, and being seen as "successful" in others' eyes at the cost of spending time with people i cant stand, kissing asses, being fake, and doing really stupid work i dont even enjoy, basically not feeding my soul in any way, not using my creativity or intelligence, and just not being true. i just realized that was what it was, and i do not fucking want it!

so whatever kind of success i ever get, will have to come about through things like this, individuals i really connect with, projects that are honest and real and beautiful, and mean something to me; it was never going to happen by playing a complete bullshit game- even with the big hotshot modeling agency, and all the hype, and all that stuff i thought was so important and that everyone saw as my big chance-- it wasn't going to happen, because it wasn't right for me, i wasn't right for it, "the camera doesn't lie," and i can't live in a world of lies. that's what i learned. WHEW.

well, i guess that's almost the piece in and of itself.

i'd be honored for you to publish it when it's finished.

thank you for the opportunity!

xo
miss scarlet

ps yeah yeah of course ill add some juicy stuff and the sexy photos in addition to all this poetwax ;-)

All Together Again.

So, I just had a dreamy night with Ty at the studio. I went over to feel out the new piano, and talk about some of the songs, and it was just so cool, SO COOL, like I didn't feel ANY pressure, any uncertainty, he was so open, and respectful, and insightful, and into it, and professional, and is just virtuosic at music-- I have to admit watching him play and create sounds was kind of really compelling and attractive. And he's just so funny and cool to be around. And before that, and last night too, I was on the phone with P for like 5 hours, and we talked about our project and we talked about life, and he's fucking like, he's right on my wavelength, in so many ways, sometimes we slide into little mutual admiration society conversation about how amazing we each find the other. But it really is.

P has always been like that for me, but lately we've really just been going so strong. And the thing is, both of them, P and Ty, and the projects I'm doing with them, are like these amazing souls I am connecting with, that I'm COMPLETELY open and honest with, like I've been with J, partly because, the level I'm working with them, they have to know these things about me, and also they're artists, real ones, they just don't judge, and they're MEN, and it's so much easier with men, except for the issue of attraction, which there is, naturally, with both of them, I get excited to talk to them and when I think about them and laugh at the things they say for days and all of that-- but like-- it's so incredible-- they really take the work seriously, to the point where it's just downright more important and it's not gonna go there. Ty's married too. And me and P have been friends for too long and want to work together like, forever in the future. And so I'm not worried about it, so the whole thing is just so freeing and the projects couldn't be any more ideal and there's no one I would think would be better, and no one I'd trust more to get things actually done, and to have the finished product in their hands and know how to move from there... The future's looking... really exciting.

Finally.

I had this business opportunity, related to P's company, and it involved finding people to make an investment.

So one of the people I contacted was the owner of this kind of glossy arts journal that had done a piece on me once, years ago, when my old band did this record and had a sort of popular single. I was like eighteen, and did the shoot and the interview, and became friends with the journalist, and ended up writing a couple things for the mag, too.

So I wrote the owner, telling him about the investment, and he wrote back that he's in this litigation and his credit lines are frozen and all this other stuff, and we just wrote back and forth for a bit and he asked me if I would want to write a short piece for the winter journal about Hollywood, and said I could pitch my project, etc...

So I wrote him back, and the e-mail ended up being like, probably the bulk of what the piece in and of itself will actually be. And I realized all of this:

wheeeeee i'm in a good mood :-) i like my friends... my fellow artists collaborators co-conspirators and confidantes... make life good. i'm stoked about futurez now :-)

liddrooped

i. have been beat. so fucking exhausted all the time for so long.

ahhh.

again wanna thank all you guys for being here. it really means a lot to me.

i ended up calling the playboy people cuz i need $$ and i'm just too tired to go into the club, so i have this gig doing web stuff on their site. but its totally anonymous. its just like the club really. like the same exact thing except i dont have to leave my house now that i did the initial shoot.

i don't care. my record's gonna be really good. and so totally antithetical to any pop crap these slutty reality show/pinup ho's try to do. my music is kind of like, definitely not everyones thing. but you cant make fun of it.

so i dont care.

i dontknow whats gonna happen anymore. rollercoaster again. sigh. ithink ill sleep through it.

An Education

I know more about autos and auto-parts by know than I EVER, EVER intended.

The latest and the greatest- sick with sadness

I saw Julian on Monday.

That's why I haven't been writing, going to class, work, nothing.

I also... I have so much cool shit going on careerwise I can't even think about it...

Makes sense, the balance, in our lives, one side plummets so hard and low it breaks as it hits the ground, while the other floats upward with the heat.

My show w one of my best friends and absolute genius critically acclaimed on-the-map director/writer/business shark P, that we'll be shooting in a month, my album w brilliant producer of one of my favorite most also critically acclaimed undisputedly bands ever that i'm recording in a week...

But still I was fucking despondent after Monday.

because this is sad with J. It was sad this time. It was sad. I don't know what to say about it right now except at one point he was telling me like if the circumstances were different "we'd walk to the reservoir, we'd go to Viet cafe and have noodles, and then walk to the reservoir," -it was the stuff from my dream i wrote him about, like in april... and he remembered it... and he bought this book i always talk about... was telling me how he was talking to his friend about it... and yet when i first came in he was still lying to me looking me dead in the eye, stalling and asking me to repeat myself so he could come up with answers... kept asking me to explain, i don't know what he wanted me to say to let him off the hook... i asked him why he couldn't look at me when i told him certain things... and he said "because you are so holy fucking beautiful." which is what i said to him, last time. and the second time i heard him swear.

but no. he cant, wont, maybe just say it, or maybe just wont, for way longer than one month or two. for what might as well be ever. so when i left i said so i guess this is Permanent-goodbye. and he said we can hug again if you want.

and when we hugged when I left I started crying really hard on his shoulder, shaking, for a long time, and he pulled away, and i looked up, and he had his hands kind of on his cheekbones too like, like tear guards... cuz he was almost welling up tearing...........

i turned around and stared at my waterbottle so i could collect myself for a second and he was watching me and i said I know I know I have to go I know and he put his hand on my shoulder and I tousled up his hair not looking at him and said Bye pretty Julian as I walked out the door he held onto my arm and held me back and then i think changed his mind about whatever he was going to say and just smiled like he was laughing that I called him Pretty Julian and just sort of like stroked my arm lightly and said Bye Scarlet

I was sick with sadness and I had to walk home cuz my car was in the shop

I got home and wrote him I have to see you one more time

And he responded the next day "I won't be in the office as of Thursday for hopefully only a few days due to a medical procedure so I don't have any openings today or tomorrow because of that but i'll check my schedule later and see if we can set something up for next week."

He didn't write later that night.

That's why... after recording, and after the shoot, and after finishing out the semester, I'm moving back home. I can't stay here.

awwwwwwwwwwwsh

I'm so tired it's actually upsetting.

Last night, ah, my hood flew open while I was on the freeway near the leftmost lane at 9 pm going 70. It wrapped around my windshield like a batwing. I'm glad no one was with me. My heartrate didn't even go up. I registered- k- ok can't see gotta pull over that definitely bent from the windspeed signal, hazards, k hopefully there's a left shoulder yup there is just barely from my peripheral k. got out, pulled hood down, nope, couldn't latch, it was the Great Concavity.

i called my stepdad even though i knew it was midnight there; he's called me at 9 even 10 pm here a few times. i was hoping he could call AAA but he didnt pick up so i called my insurance and got their roadside assistance. i called P. told him the deal and he said whoa the dwarfs the shop talk i was so excited to get into with you i said no FUCK thats exactly what i wanna talk about, hahaha. about 10 minutes later stepdad called and i answered he was screaming said sorry i had an emergency with the car im on the other line now though and he screamed things i couldnt understand and i was like what what is WRONG with you then I heard P laughing cuz i guess he'd hung up on me after 5 seconds and it switched back. i saw later he called while i was on the with insurance and left like really nasty text messages so i just wrote him:

Sorry I called so late there was a problem with the car and sorry I couldn't answer but I was talking with the roadside assistance and I had to explain where I was. I know you were just yelling because you were worried. I'm fine.

I wrote that, even though, it was totally fucked up of him and I think he's on something. but it was good cuz today he called and was like sorry i was just worried and i understand now and i was like its fine its fine and now he's sending me money. we talked for a while and he told me all about these medical experiments he's doing that's all we usually talk about and i know he likes to tell me because i understand and ask the right questions. the kinda questions that make him pause and say, ..Yes. or Well-- it's to be seen, or rocefin is a beta inhibitor and so far they've only used it in trials with lou gherig's disease so I think it should be effective with this too, right? even though he's talking in neurology acronyms i understand it i dunno. and i know no one else does. i think he's brilliant. he just doesn't care about me like a parent cuz he's not my real dad. they never can. i don't know if my real dad is or was brilliant but im sure he is/was, he was a musician, from when i remember him. and my mom wouldnt have married someone who wasnt. she never went to school or did anything for work, but she was an artist, as much as anyone can be. we were poor and then my dad left though i dont remember any of this and then she remarried and then we weren't poor anymore. i mean no one in my town was rich or poor and its not something you pay much attention to until later like when i was in high school and started dating older guys and traveling and stuff i noticed it big time.

i wanted to go for a run but i think it truly would be impossible. ive been having so much trouble sleeping and ive been so tired, and i recorded just with my computer my songs without me singing just the piano so i can be used to doing it that way at the studio but i played them back and i realized i need to practice with the click track (or crappy keyboard metronome) so i should do it again but im so tired and a little nauseous.

it's okay

rescheduled for monday

who even cares

i saw my hairstylist today we went to coffee, the one who used to see him, and i talked to her, and she said you should try really not contacting him, no writing, no nothing for at least 6 months, and then if you're still interested, then contact him.

if you're still interested.

for right now though- i really just need to get over it.

I AM guys. i didn't see him for like 2 months. i'm seeing him once on monday. and then i really wont. see him anymore.

theres been some good stuff going on... really good stuff with music... stuff's okay... stuff's okay... it's okay.

yeah
yeah
you guys are right
he just canceled
and i want to kill myself

so,

So I'm seeing him tomorrow at 3... well MAYBE. He gave me one of his standby type appointments where he might not get out of court in time to make it.

Sorry guys.

EXTREME CHEMISTRY + shared dry sense of humor + lifesaving + most passionate kiss of my life = I can't help it, I have to see him again, I have a list of questions for him this time and I'm not scared of nothing. And now that I know he's been faithfully reading my letters... :::swoon::::

On another note, on the way out of class today I asked this woman where the bathroom was and she said, I just wanted to say, you're so pretty, and so smart, and every time you speak in class it's just so thought provoking, I really enjoy being in class with you.

I was gobsmacked.

Phonecall with Julian Thurs morn.

"Hello."
"Hi Scarlet you wanted me to call you."
"Hi, yeah."
"Okay well, what, what's going on?"
"I'm just really struggling with this, being completely ignored by you, and, I don't know if there's anything you can say, but just, yeah it's like been--"
"Well, have you tried seeing another therapist?"
"I've thought about it."
"And where are you on that?"
"I've sort-"
"Because I know a, a guy, he's an older guy, and, I like him, I mean, not that that means you'll like him, but, I can try, I don't know his availability right now-"
"Okay-"
"And as far as the letters, you-"
"I know."
"You know what?"
"You think I should stop writing you; I will-"
"I didn't, okay, you're putting WORDS IN MY MOUTH now-- I thought, you'd want to stop writing, so that you can move on, and my not responding, I just thought it's, it's like you said I'm, I'm shunning you or, and I'm not, I just thought I should try to help you, move on and..."
"Right."
"And so yes we can, I can try to reach this doctor and we can move forward from there-"
"MOVE FORWARD FROM THERE... ugh... what, do you have like two minutes to talk right now?"
"Well I'm- Janet's in my office and I'm in her office and she has an 11 o clock, that's, that's the situation..."
"I see..."

"Hello, Scarlet?"
"Yeah I'm here."
"So yeah, I'll get in touch with this doctor, I know he doesn't take less than 150 dollars though, he's out of network but..."
"Oh Julian I can't afford to be--"
"I know but I'm sure he'll-- and, I can tell him about you, beforehand,"
"What?"
"If you want me to, it's up to you."
"Are you crazy?"
"What??"
"Is that COMMONLY done?"
"It's within the REALM of standard practice, yes... Scarlet?"
"Here."
"...so, so, what do you, I'm having trouble figuring out--"
"Ha! I'M having trouble figuring out! Are you like, totally unaware that there's anything wrong besides that I've stopped therapy, or what?"
"No... I'm... I'm aware that there's something besides that."

"The way you're talking to me is just, feeling really false, J."
"What do you mean, can you explain that?"
"Yes, it's just, and I don't want to be presumptuous or insulting it's just like, this whole, I dunno, business-like and maybe slightly condescending--"
"Well, I'm sorry if it seems condescending, I'm, I am, on the phone, in Janet's office, I mean I don't know what to say, what do you want?"
"What I want. Is to talk to you. Outside of that office. Like a-"
"I can't do that, Scarlet, I CAN'T, I cannot-"
"It doesn't have to be OUTSIDE of the office- there are a lot of things that were left hanging but- that I still need to-"
"Well, I don't want to say, since you keep writing 'just don't call me up and tell me to make an appointment'..."
"Who cares what I keep writing? You sound like, are you really irritated or, what's going on..."
"I'm not, I'm sorry if this sounds cold and clinical-"
"It's not just cold and clinical you sound irritated-"
"Well I'm on the phone, and I have a time issue, so, yes, maybe I'm a little stressed about that, maybe that's what you're hearing."
"Anyway yeah, I'll make an appointment- but no- then you'll just be dishonest there."
"I'm not dishonest with-- I'm always honest--"
"JULIAN."
"What?"
"For you to say, that you've always been completely open and honest with me right now, is just, it's crazy."
"..."
"It's just bullshit."
"Okay."

"So yeah if you can be honest with me, in an appointment-"
"I, I will be..."
"Then I'd like to make one."
"Okay so I'll look in my schedule and I'll find a time and get back to you this afternoon or it might be tomorrow morning because I'm booked solid through today but-"
"Okay."
"Okay so I'll do that and, did you want me to follow through with that doctor?"
"..."
"Scarlet?"
"No, no thanks."
"O-kay. So. Okay. So are you okay?"
"I feel better now I heard your fake-mad/irritable/nervous-wreck voice, yeah,"
"Okay. Okay. Okay."

OMG, OMG, it hurts so bad I can hardly stand it...

It has for so long

I don't know what to do anymore

I'm so alone and nobody knows me and nobody knows what's going on or how I'm hurting I'm just a fucking body in a room, shut in a room for days, the phone doesn't ring anymore, God help me, I don't know what to do

Over It.

Okay.

I am officially over it.

It's time to do other things.

Ridiculous, is what I've been, and deliberately or not, this guy wasted a lot of my precious time. But don't think twice, it's all right.

I can't say I'm not sad about this. But. What else am I gonna do. I dunno. I should get another therapist. I'm not doing so great. Sigh.

Bad call

No, nah, take it back. I < 3 Julian. And the club is all right. $200 for 3 hours of dancing and sitting around and talking to actually okay people tonight.

Elena, however. Again haven't spoken to in a month. Calls me here when I got home, which is 5 am her time, clearly drunk, starts rambling for half an hour about her phone getting stolen and the ex boyfriend, soon as I start talking she spaces off and puts me on hold, comes back on and I'm like you must be tired, do you wanna go? And she's like, well no, I wanna talk, I mean soon yeah, cuz it's late, but no, I was like why don't we just talk another time. And she's like, Why, really? Tell me, no! I'm like There's nothing to tell, you're tired, we'll talk another time. She's like Okay but call me! I'm like your phone got stolen, you call me. She's like okay I will! Bye! And I just hung up.

I mean, it's really disgusting to me at this point.

How self-absorbed and childish and thoughtless and frivolous she's become. I'm fucking over it.

F everything

Fuck these people
Fuck this club
Fuck Julian
None of it is gonna happen
Fuck
It
All
Inthe@$$

Syncing Feeling

Funny, that.

Against all better judgment, and because I have to be at work soon, and S is coming to fix my headlight bulb in like 5 minutes, I was compelled to stop at Julian's. At like ten to 8. I decided I'd take his Eckhart Tolle CD to return it and see what happened. I almost hoped he wouldn't be there because it was such a mess and I'd be potentially blowing off a friend who was coming to FIX MY CAR...

And he wasn't. I got there, and his car wasn't in the lot.

While I was driving I heard my phone go off, e-mail alert. And when I got back in the car to drive home it was a message from Julian. The subject was "received."

I missed him by like 5 minutes.

I was compelled to rush over there when he was writing that e-mail.

It was just a thank you for sending the insurance check, and that he was looking forward to listening to my CD, and an "I hope you are well."

...But I looked in the e-mail headers (cuz I'm a stalker like that) and saw that it was indeed sent from his office IP, and actually in a response to an e-mail I wrote him a while back, that said all this stuff.

Anyway.

I'm not going to respond.

Decisive.

Okay no. Not today. No way. Toward the end of the month. Then it'll be TWO months about since I last saw him. And for these next 2 weeks- no writing, no letters, no contact, no nothing. He wants to be pushed but he needs to know that yeah, I'm not gonna bug him too much, considering the precarious nature of the situation and all, that I can control myself and am not gonna be a yeah, crazy stalker girl, which he kinda loves but, from his perspective, could also be kinda risky. So. No more e-mails. Gotta make him afraid to lose me. And miss me. Gonna drop by on Tuesday the 29th after doing my work at Table Top for a few hours in the morning, in case I run into him.

LET IT BE WRITTEN LET IT BE DONE
WITH GOOD TO ALL AND HARM TO NONE

Okay woot.

AND- I am going to work tonight. Cuz I need money for certain things. Yes.

hmm

i'm either gonna go right now or wait until next week.

well, no i could go later but that would mean i'd have to ring the bell.

maybe ringing the bell would be a nice touch.

wait. i'm on a good roll. i haven't written him in a week, and I don't feel like I'm gonna lose it if I don't, though that usually happens at night... but the longer the better... has been exactly 2 months since what I PERSONALLY consider our last session but only 5 weeks since I actually last saw him, and maybe like 2 weeks since our last communique...

Soldiering ever and on

I'm like.. I'm like.. I dunno..

I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.

And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.

I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.

Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.

Meh.

hey Bathwater, pssst!

Sorry I'm probably just retarded, but I can't figure out how to follow your blog or post comments? Retarded? Or like set that way?

nm i figured out commenting. latin. but still can't find the Follow option.

Designer Drugs and Bloody Wars

I took Ecstasy last night... or was it some MDMA powder... I dunno... with the Croatian director D (not being cryptic w the names here it just really is an unusual one)... he told me about being a teenager during the war... stories that blew my mind... I saw clips of his movie... it looked so amazing, like nothing I've ever seen before (not because of the damn drugs, they dont do anything to me except make me cold and sleepy... he kept asking, you ok? you ok? cuz I took a lot, cuz I have the metabolism of like a t-rex, and he was like How do you feel? You feel good? and I was like, I feel... like I took ecstasy. Hahaha. I've only done it a few times, like once every couple years it seems to happen, and it's always meh and always the same), it is really gorgeous, and the stuff makes me kind of loud and shit on everything and I was telling him my Inception theory and at first he was like No, I hate this guy, cuz he's the best at what he does! and then, No, okay, that's too much, and then, Yeah, so stupid... but it was well done... so stupid though you're right... we were laughing, and I kept going ranting about it and he was like, Yeah yeah ok it's stupid but relative to what's available in the cinema in general, it was okay. And I was like, YEAH. EXACTLY. Relative to what's available in the cinema in general, IT WAS OKAY.

Hah.

We went to dinner at some fancy place and he asked me, Do you like your character? And I was like, why, do you DISLIKE it? And he said, You don't answer my question, you ask me if I like it, and I said, No, I asked if you dislike it? And he said, I love it.

That kinda melted my heart.

I was so cold though when the stuff kicked in we took a cab back to his house in WeHo and I ran to the blankets and we laid around and we messed around and we talked all kinds of crazy shit in addition to the scene at a bar in Zagreb that was hit by a cluster bomb... and everything he saw... and his dad, a sergeant in the military, at the base, alone in the dark because they couldn't have any lights on, even candles, cuz otherwise the plane's heat sensors would be able to locate the zones beneath them, as D walked in, a teenager bringing his dad something to eat, and saw him sitting amidst all the printers, the old dot matrix printers with the tractor feed paper that came out, with the holes on the side, just printing out and out and out from all the printers and his father despondent like How can I go in there tomorrow?? and he looked at the paper and saw that it was printing out thousands of names and addresses of the casualties, the soldiers, dead in that last battle....

And the way he told it...

Today I went to meet Jo for coffee and talk about this thing I'm doing with her for her school, and then I went home and finished up homework, went to class, listened to Perfect Lives, and I'm sad I am, a little sad, it's probably just that drug, and I'm fine I am, a little fine. Because, granted it's only been two weeks, but I'm going to all my classes and not dreadin' em. I participate A LOT and like the other students too. I feel so sad almost all the time but I do things that make me forget about. They come, the thoughts, they're constant, but, they're not really destructive now. But they are home.

Purple and Gold

I was gonna pop by his office today.
Drop in even.
That's what he wants me to do.
So I will do. Thursday. Thursday, Thursday. Wish me luck.

Today was a day that smelled like fall it was gray and it was thick and it was cold but warm there was water in the air and everything glowed, purple and gold, and today was a today that reminded me of a day that reminded me of a day that reminded me of all the years before when the gentle light of dusk was teary and blushing and trembling and blue, and the eyes of the world were a flattering light and they spoke to the heart not the head or the shoulders, and today was like the days when it all began, when you first held open the door, when I first walked out the back and down into the street electric and alive into sinking sun and waxing moon and air heavy with rain and heavy with mood, and it was thick and I was cold but warm and there was water on the dashboard and under the tires and everything glowed, blue and white, red and blue, raining indigo everywhere, and rays of purple and gold.

And it's the same old song that I've been singing for lifetimes and certain notes remind me that the melody is endless and the sadness is ceaseless and the winds are aimless and we follow them like leaves.

High Holy Days

i slept all day
woke up with distaste
and i railed and i raved

i have to get my oil changed
i have to get my wiper fixed
i have to get my right headlight fixed

my drugdealer boyfriend is gonna buy me the bulb
my neighbors a mechanic

i need to get on these things

and i havent gone to work in a hot minute

i finally got that 1000 refund i was waiting for, so i didnt feel i had to
but now i have all these expenses coming in. so i better slip on my thong and my white booty shorts and the the open lace slip and the 8 inch shows and get on in there like vinnie said.

one thing since stopping seeing julian is im not spending all that. even though he was charging me criminally low fees it did add up at the end of the month, 2x a week and all that.

i went out with the frenchies last night and now one of them wants me to be the muse for his film.

so does this other guy i met.

and of course the one guy i really know.

and then of course i have my muse.

whom i'm seeing this week.

there is some high holy day going on this week. it's a new year. it'll be my new year too.

everything will be great.

everything will be just amazing.

labor pains.

more, more, going through the motions to pass the time, when did i become this way, i've never been this way, i feel so old and like i'm doing everything i can to just get older

i've been bad, i've been writing julian and he'll never write me back

my mind is OPEN, it really is, to letting others in, i asked my pretty drug dealer friend to come over on friday and spend the night, he did, i'm just so tired of being alone. i slept through saturday. today was painful. i'm trying to get things done. i'm going out for drinks in a bit with celine. i'm taking it second by second, and it hurts like a bitch.

things are fine, things are fine, but i kind of wonder what i did to deserve this.

I am so, so, perfectly lonely.

I create all this stuff and want to share it and nobody wants to see it so I pursue these careers about sharing for strangers, because it's the only way I can express myself or connect, and, I am just so utterly alone.

I love my classes and it's a pretty day outside.

I'm really happy with my music and some plans I have.

I'm practically suicidal.

Well. I wrote J the other day, and he didn't write me back, and so then I wrote him to let him know when my insurance (always the good red herring) claims cleared.

And he didn't respond to that either.

And I'm wondering if my e-mails are going straight to the trash.

I kind of love my classes in spite of myself.

I tried to go to work, hurried in straight after class, and it was another night of CantFuckingDoThis. And it was so slow... by fucking 11 even... I went up once, on my second song I literally just walked back and forth and sat down on the stage. It was DEAD and NO ONE was tipping SHIT. I walked up to the TWO sorrenos sitting by the stage and told them in Spanish, enjoy the show? like to tip? they said No its ok. I said, no, no, see, its not OK. you sit at the stage and watch the show, you tip. so the guy gave me five bucks. and then i was on the verge of losing it and vinnie saw me and said ahhh ok. i see the look. i see the look coming on. come on casper go get dressed and ill drive you home.

then the other girls decided to ball up and come into the office to see what me and vinnie were talking about, how i get to MAGICALLY leave. and we're just sitting there talking about ray liotta or movies or some shit. and these two dancers were just standing there silent. it was retarded.

And instead I'm SPENDING money on... ugh oh never mind.

And, classes.

Time to go to class and hustle. Now I'm in a moving period. Going, going. I like my classes a lot... I'm just... sigh... I just don't know what I want to do with myself, ya know? I do well in them... I could do much better and finish school much faster if it were all I'm doing. But it's not. And I like the other stuff better. My soul needs it. So. Here I am I guess.

And the sadness. The loneliness of just not having love, even if I have friends, no love for so long... Wow. I dunno. A year. Is that normal? I mean there's been love... but... limited... extremely... frustrating... I can't move without giving it one more shot... just to run into him... and see what happens... I need to stop thinking about this. I'm thinking about it less. And I haven't written him in 4 days and I have no impulse to now.

Okay. Class.

comments---

Hey guys! Just wanted to say that I really appreciate all your support recently and your comments, they mean a lot to me, really. *sob* and I always try to comment back but sometimes it takes me a bit cuz I don't see them there for a while, but, just so you know...

love and late responses,

S-O

Too Much Fun

Being that it's only my second day off TMF, I decided to go for a run. It's 3 30 now, and it was like midnight, and I was uncharacteristically sleepy and debating, nice to go to bed at a reasonable hour but during the weeks of TMF I didn't go running at all (though i did manage to go to a shit ton of really intense dance classes and work, at the beginning) and I had a feeling once I fell asleep the Kicks would come courtesy of the Cold Bird. The DTs make your legs jerk around cuz they haven't been moving and there's no more TMF calming their nerves so even if you're so tired in your head you can hardly keep em open your legs and arms will thrash around in revolt and you'll be left, sleepless, sweaty, and and angry.

Plus I wanna keep the youthful bloom in me as long as possible and this city has definitely made its attempts to take it away from me, and this city has definitely made me feel that at 4.5 and 20, being closer to 30 than 18, I am definitely in danger of losing the aforementioned bloom any morning.

I've had dreams where I wake up with hideous lines and marks on my face, and then I wake up, and they're really there, and then I wake up again.

But I ran, now it's late, but it's ok, I don't have to get up early.

I'll feel better tomorrow.

Anyone get a seriously bad crash after dancing or running? like the runner's high and then a crash like a drug crash? i get really sad when it's time to go back in the doma...

I wonder if I'll tell J if I move. I wonder if I'll send him postcards from my roadtrip to Tennessee. Or from onwards to Ohio. (With a stop at you Kitty, for sure.) Or possibly onwards to New York.

And I wonder if I'll amble down to Table Top in 2 weeks and try to run into him there.

BUT NO MORE WRITING.

I will be writing more, k?

Cuz no more words for Julian. No more. No more.

Love you guys.

DRUG LABEL: WARNING: Do not feed the animals.

It's so tempting to go purchase and ingest a large quantity of drugs right now.

So tempting yet not tempting at all.

That's what I've been doing, for the past couple weeks, if we're gonna call a spade a spade here.

I don't even like drugs of any kind. I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Horrific timing as always, making the noggin' null and void right before a bargeful of shows, the onslaught of school, right at the very moment in life to buck the fuck up, right when right now truly calls from some grace...

Right at the moment I'm drooling over a cigarette typing in tongues.

Ugh.

Gross.

But, no one has to know about this, because I kept my own personal ass pretty much entirely in the doma. No Sid to my fucking Nancy.

The headmath just kinda went something like this-- "Well," it went, "Well! You're not gonna be able to talk to him for a few months, and this is gonna put you out for at least a day or two..."

Wrong.

The stuff, well first of all it made me write him. Like, the Devil LITERALLY made me do it.

And it made me sit and think and wank and cry about him all by my lonesome for COUNTLESS fucking hours...

And then the Killyourself factor significantly spiked, when it wore off.

And it's not even fun.

Who LIKES that shit???

And now, here I am, 80 bucks leaner, two-weeks older, none-the-wiser, and really, no closer to the expiry date of Significant Time passage as I HAVE been communicating, and rather hysterically, at that.

Well. All very good for the art. But seriously. No more. Totally gross. Ugh.

Can I be sainted already?

Well that's really saying something, I told the cop. When a "miracle" is when you DON'T get towed and arrested because you couldn't find your classroom and happened to be coming home in time to...

He shrugged. Hey, it could be much worse!

Yeah. I said.

I did thank him though. He was knocking on the door to my building, where I happened to be standing, cuz I happened to run into Tony, cuz I happened to be coming home and he happened to have decided to look for the owner of the vehicle this chola bitch happened to claim "hit and run" from her vehicle even though it was fucking PARKED and running nowhere and right up on her bumper, yes, but not hitting her, and I don't know WHAT kind of damage she's going to claim, as there is none-- yes, I was too close to her bumper-- fine-- but, GODDAMN!!!

He told me he wouldn't have pressed any charges because yes, it clearly was not a hit and run, but I would have been towed, and I would have gotten a ticket for parking too close to the other vehicle, and, and, and... I didn't.

None of that happened.

So yes... a miracle indeed... another frustrated, crosseyed, sweatbroke fucking miracle day for Scarlet.

Love and Lube

S-O

minor detail

minor detail i omitted about kissing julian,

3 and a half weeks ago. august 6th.

about kneeling before him and taking his hand. and looking up at him.

and him looking at me. and leaning into me. and stopping. and me leaning toward him. and kissing him. and him kissing me. and me kissing him til i got dizzy and ran my hand slowly up his arm and thats when he stopped me and thats when we held hands again and thats when we stared down at our hands until i said

i can hear what youre thinking when i touch you like this

and thats when he told me he had to tell me something

and thats when he said hed made mistakes and This is... it's everything you thought. It's everything you thought and. And you're right. About everything.


the rest is how i described it. and i don't know why i left that out. my loyalty to him. my loyalty that's beginning to crumble away.

and now i cant speak to him. not a word. after a year of constant comment. and a mindblown kiss. and a long overdue admission.

now can we understand why my heart is broke.

why one day at a time is the only way to take it.

why it's hard for me to accept or indeed- to believe- that it was all just nothing- that it's something to forget- that's it not worth waiting for.

why i can't just...

"let it go"?

Going Home...

I'm talking to my friend Nicky from PA and I'm thinking I'm probably gonna just take my car and my cat and drive back there soon, like November or something. Time to go home.

She told me a little while ago about this place her uncle has, like a house that just needs to be fixed up, that she's gonna move into with a few extra rooms and she said I should come and move in with her, they don't even have to pay rent until January and even then it's like sneeze-at money for a HOUSE. It sounds great. I miss her and her family and I'm tired of holding all the walls up by myself and "pursuing" and pursuing and pursuing-- pursuing WHAT, exactly? I think it's time to stop.

I think it's time to go.

shit

i haven't done anything for fun in like two years. i haven't felt any love in about that long. i feel old and disgusting like my body's falling apart. i have my first class tonight and i feel sick and nauseous and empty and irritable and tired and depressed and like it's pointless. i have a sort of audition thing tomorrow morning. more shit to do all this week, no money, no time, no interest, i just wish i were dead

Entropy

I actually have a lot going on right now. I have a lot to do, and I have a lot to say, and at the moment right now when I want to say it all, I have to do a lot, and I don't have a lot of time, which is business as usual...

I'm kind of at a place where I'm open again. I'm talking to strangers. I feel sort of young. I have creative projects going on. I'm taking a lot of dance classes. I'm working a lot, both at the club, and at other stuff. I'm sad a lot. I haven't been here and I haven't been reading and I have a lot to catch up on. It's been really hard not to talk to Julian. It's been impossible to write, without having anything to say about Julian except... memories and things that I feel... I'm taking this story and making it into something. Something really exciting. And he's still there. We've had these little exchanges.

But I've also been a mess. And I also waste away days wasted and working and wake up with a mess at my feet. Spend a few catching up and cleaning up and then wasted away all over again. I think I'm getting better. I think I'm getting there.

I'll be there soon.

But the spout was somehow stretched and now it can't get narrower again, and it needs so much more, so much more, so much more breath, and so I'm always breathless.

Why is autumn always entropy.

I'm also facing the unique problem of WANTING to go to work but also having a million things I have to do, including recording tomorrow, big time recording, which means probably better off NOT trashing my voice tonight... sigh... but I need money, and I'm in the MOOD to work, and it's already getting late, I dunno. I dunno.

Just checking in.

I haven't been blogging; I haven't been on blogger; I've had a big to-do list and I've been tired and overwhelmed.... not quite knowing what to write and knowing I should always be doing something else so... just stopping in to say that. Just been working, and making some plans, catching my breath a little. Not feeling great, pretty often despondent, generally optimistic. News but no news. Back to the planet soon.

sexual musings.

I think... that dancing at the club, is a sort of outlet for sexual energy that lowers my need for a satisfying real romantic sexual relationship... or a boyfriend... and having a boyfriend and being in love in a satisfying real romantic sexual relationship makes me really uninclined to want dance at the club, and release that energy somewhere else.... i've never danced for long when I was in a real relationship... not just cuz the guy didn't want me to. i didnt want to.

wow.

wow.. i hadnt checked my mail all day and i got home and there was a really (no, like REALLY) hefty check from my insurance company and was mindblown and i looked at it and saw the way J filed my claims and like, i don't know, in addition to not charging me what i owed him from the last couple months, not even mentioning it, last week, he also like filed the claims so that i'd get all this money back, and i don't know that much about how it works, but i know like, he mentioned once that if the insurance company deems it medically unnecessary (which they did, hence denying coverage for my 2x weekly sessions), they might not hold the patient responsible for the payment, and actually charge the provider...

all my stuff from my insurance was going to my old roommate and i'd get it like way late, this was from like a month ago (THANK GOD she forwarded it, damn)... and i remember him asking me, like, do you get the mail from your insurance company at all?? and i said well it still goes to PA, but ive been getting the emails about the appeal... and he was just like oh, okay... and then he told me that about they might hold the provider responsible, and then he told me he'd be really surprised if they denied it, and a while before that, he had told me the amount i'd get back if the appeal went through--- and it was pretty much exactly what i just got in this check... and it is for totally different dates than anything having to do with the appeal...

god... and not only that, but he put his usual rate which is like $200 and like I think an extra session or two on the claims, when he was never charging me anything close to that... i mean on the claim it was like $400/week, i was usually paying like 40.

Maybe I'm just misunderstanding all of this, I had to email him and ask, but, if not, I mean, that's a really really sweet thing to do. Like the amount, is probably nothing to him, but to me it's a lifesaver... if anyone anyone anyone tries to twist this around into something fucked up about him, you are just an asshole. because he implied if I got anything back it would be from the appeal, if he actually did anything to get me reimbursed let alone bite the monetary bullet for it himself, he never wanted me to know about it, and i wouldn't have if i didn't happen to have a roommate who forwards me my stuff a month late, after i'd already heard the appeal was denied.

i might take this post down. and i might stop writing about him period, not just because i'm sick of hearing people saying really inaccurate inflammatory accusations about him, or because you guys are sick of hearing it, or that it was all just a fantasy, but like, he is a REALLY GOOD person and i really care about him, and i've had misgivings before, but i've had them real strong lately, about writing about him like this, on a public forum, be it anonymous or not.

i don't feel like he ever manipulated me at all, and furthermore, i kind of feel like my turning him into the subject of this suggestively (misleadingly, ha) titled expose is actually the bad behavior here.

All work and no Play, boy.

I think.

That you guys are right.

I had two hours of sleep last night, I just couldn't sleep, and I was so tired, but I ended up writing a lot of music... I'm kinda stoked about it... ks I'm gonna link you too... LOL.

And I had made plans to go real early in the morning to a dance class and then yoga right after with Celine... I gotta keep myself busy now and I wanna stay in touch with my friends, especially decent classy people... and I finally gave the damn super so much hell, I mean not hell, just like, listen up asshole, no more fucking around or trying to get over on me. And I came home and ALL my shit was fixed. All the clogged sinks and the missing screen and everything.

I hadn't worked out in ages and I ran all the way to the class and then swam cuz I was early and deposited my check in the bank and then did the classes and man-- I love dancing so much-- I love it onstage but I mean this class was like hardcore salsa and I forgot how much FUN dancing is and how much I used to love it before I got so burnt out with the ballet...

And Celine's real cool...

And I'm thinking-- I can't even tell like 99% of these people about my JOB. If I started doing Playboy shit, I mean... There's no hiding that and Kris you're right, it would change the way I see myself, and it would change everything, and for what, $500 bucks? And then a future being a bl0wup doll?

And Bathwater yes. I'm making myself start eating. Pizza sounds amazing but out here on the west coast, well, it's like the same as it was in pennsyltucky... but I lived in NYC when I was in the company and I KNOW pizza. so maybe mexican?

love and lotsa carbs,

S-O

playboy

i could not sleep last night
sigh
it's okay
i was writing a lot... music and stuff.

so the playboy meeting was kinda awesome. the agent was actually way cooler than i expected, we talked about the midwest, and the industry changing, and career plans.

they loved me basically.

but now i don't know. when you start out you're not a Month or a centerfold... just a bunny chick. and it pays SHOCKINGLY little. like any regular magazine shoot... and he told me I'd have to cover up my tats, unless I wanted to do the web thing, and I don't, and to gain 5 pounds-- which would normally be a piece of CAKE-- but right now seems impossible...

And it's so public. It's playboy. and it's not like being a centerfold when you're some famous person. and now everything's on the web forever.

so I don't know, I told him that and he understood... and they have me on file, and to give him a call whenever I decide.

I'm going to just get up now I guess, bone-weary as I am, jog to the gym, meet Celine and take a couple classes that will probably kill my malnourished ass. Then come home, pass out for a bit, and go to work.

That's the plan, Stan.

re: re: re: last post

thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)

and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.

but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.

so should you.

there is a meteor shower.

Perseid.

tonight.

love, to you all
miss scarlet

don't know if people read comments post commenting--

but i said:

so NOBODY thinks that waiting a few months, and the fact he's probably estranged from his wife (theory strengthened by no ring, telling girl he was single, AND a friends cyberstalking that shows wife changed last name from his to hers 5 years ago and he moved into a new house...), and affirmed my feelings, might lead to dating?

Nobody even considers this possible, and possibly good?

I know you all have the best wishes for me- I really do- and appreciate it... that's just kind of a bummer... but it's understandable. and i'll quit whining about it.

xo
s-o

So the Sun will Rise and the Moon will Set

And you learn how to settle for what you get.
It'll all go on if we're here or not so who cares so what.

One thing I have to say- I lost a mean 10 lbs (not waterweight, straightup) off my already lithe frame, within the last 3 weeks.

Dr J has agreed that it'll already be a month since treatment ended on Friday. Since I hadn't seen him at all ("or even written me...") for about a month before.

Soooo what if you're all right, and he's a cad, or he said I was right that he loved me, just to make me it easier for me to leave.

So what.

I have a meeting with Playboy tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know about this stuff.

For the love of God.

Okay- respectfully, to all readers who have had enough of this saga, respectfully-- if you've had enough, no one is making you read on.

I don't want to have to defend myself here; that's not what this blog was about. I will NOT "let it go." I will not force myself to stop feeling or thinking about something.

My therapy is over. That is official. So that's done. So no more about visits in Dr J's office.

My contact with him is over for 2-3 months. As per slightly modified APA guidelines.

If I meet someone new, or don't, or move, or whatever, I'm not stopping myself from doing that by hanging onto this dream. I never WAS. He thought maybe I was. He thought not seeing me for 3 weeks would end all my feelings...

But whatever, I KNOW, I KNEW, I was ALWAYS RIGHT about what I felt, and what I saw, and it did for some time seem like just a "what if." But I know it ain't, guys. I know it ain't.

PS. Sorry I've been so bad about reading, and writing. I've been, ya know, caught up. I'll catch up. This week. Promise.

Love

S-O

The Cooldown

So.

I am, physically and emotionally drained from this past week. And from this whole experience. And I still a bit gleeful.

I'm looking forward to this couple months of complete chillout (well maybe it seems a little long to go without seeing or hearing from Julian, but I can deal, and I know he can.) of not worrying what the next session will disclose, what I'll gain, what I'll lose, when I'll know.

I do know. Even if all y'all don't. And I understand why you don't, and I understand that you have my best interest in mind too and have had all along and I appreciate it.

And I'm looking forward to the things I'll do in this time, creatively, socially, with school, etc.

And I'm looking forward to the day I can write that I just got back from seeing Dr. Julian Darcy, Phd, at like, a coffee shop.

OK, Back to this SHIT Again:

Okay, you're right, world! If something is apparently going right in my world, it is because I'm a stupid ugly moron and someone is trying to take advantage of me, OR I'm just making it all up in my head. In this case, I again, either just READ INTO plain English and mistook it for meaning something which it did not-- or, the person whom I've come to know very intimately, because I am a horrible judge of character, is actually an awful person, who just wants to take advantage of me, even though I didn't pay for the last two months worth of therapy, because I a stupid ugly moron.

One or the other.

Either way, it's gonna get pretty awful up around here.

:-)

God, Lord up above, what did I do to deserve such happiness... I'm letting the moment melt in mouth and flow through my blood stream and pump my red-red heart... I know I'm glowing so bright and I don't want to tell anyone, and they can see... I don't know how long I should wait to call him up... one month I think I'll wait... and see what he says... I think the guidelines say 6 months... I'll wait 6 months, but not if I don't have to :-)

Oh my Julian, oh my angel, oh I've flooded with... oh when you laugh it sounds like Hallelujah...

Love and love and love,

Scarlet-O

but it was the most romantic moment of my entire life

okay--- just to clarify

Look.

I'm stopping seeing him.

He did everything by the book.

There was a mutual HEAT and passion and connection between us that is undeniable since day one, and he's never said it, and he never said he wants to see me when I leave, and he never said a faulty word.

I'm going to give him a buzz. In a month, or two. Or an e-mail. And maybe I'll hang around his magic forest, or Table Top, or go jogging by the reservoir. And if he writes me back and if I'm still in love with him, and he's still in love with me, or if I see him around, or whatever, or if I decide to wait longer, or if I get over him it was really all on the level.

I am not upset right now. I am gushing, a little bit, from touching him, and the way he looked at me and the way he held onto me so tight. But, he did help me. He helped me so much. He didn't damage me.

And I love him.

And I'm fine.

oh, god.

i got up early and got ready and even did some yoga n stuff
i went there and pressed the button and after a minute he opened the door and we didnt smile at each other
i went and i sat
we stared at each other for 3 minutes
he said i dont know where to start
he said he cant speak for the person he doesnt know who it was, i said i wasnt gonna tell him cuz i said i wouldnt, he said of course not, and he cant talk about another clients therapy, but he never said that he was single. he said he was always truthful with me, and that i probably knew that, i said I did, that I talked to JohnB and he said, you don't just MAKE UP families... I've never heard of that. and then he laughed and said that it was hard to talk with me attacking him and that even if i was angry i didnt need to make him out to be this "villain who's like, fucking with you" and i said That's the first time I heard you swear. and he said, I think it all the time. and it got to tears and it got to cruelty and humiliation and his denials and why did you let me go on, go on after he said, I am not, I do not mean this in a romantic or sexual way, I'm not going to say that I don't know that you're beautiful. Or that... But, I am not attracted to you like that.

And he said he felt like he connected with me like if there was a female ukrainian version of him it would be me and I said so what wouldnt you be humiliated? and he said Yes. And he said, have you made the decision to stop? And I said, Yes. And I said, what would you do then, if you think like me, what would you do? And he said I'd probably stop. And I said, I'm not going to see another therapist. And he said nothing. And I said IT WAS CRUEL JULIAN, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT TO BE, LETTING ME GO ON AND ON LIKE THAT, these delusions, these thoughts I had, YOU SHOULD HAVE ADDRESSED IT-- and he said, we did address it, and I thought I was clear, and I said But WAY AFTER WE ADDRESSED IT, I kept GOING, I'm never going to do that again.

And he said nothing.

And I said you should have told me to see someone else a long time ago. And I said, you knew it, you knew how I felt, and you knew that I would only feel it more--

And he said I knew the first part, but I didn't know the second part, I thought we'd have this time apart and I thought maybe, I didn't know where you'd be, and the fact that you didn't write--

I wrote--

Well that I didn't receive...

You were on VACATION with your FAMILY and I didn't want to BOTHER YOU--

I know and I appreciate that but, I had no idea where you'd be when I got back-

Really?!

Really.

You should have stopped this and told me to see someone else--

And he said Maybe I should have. And I will think about that.

Think about it after this is all done? For next time?

And he said, You are being derisive.

And I said, Sorry.

And he said, I know you feel powerless but you have the power to hurt me. Now. Or in the future.

And I said, I don't want it.

And I said Can't you see, it's all grit and gray and grime and frustration and paperwork and nothing and did you think I needed more humiliation??

And he said, I know, I'm, but I know I've helped you.

And I said, Yes, you taught me to pay parking tickets on time.

And he said angrily, I think it was more than that.

I said Yes, that all that glitters is not gold, not shooting stars, not anything real just illusion--

And he said, That's an illusion.

................................................................................................................................................................

And I said WHY did you let me GO ON.

And he didn't say anything and we stared at each other and he stared at my legs and then he said You're staring.

And I said, I always stare at you... You're staring, too.

And then I got up and I knelt down in front of him and I held his hand and he held it back really tight and just sat there and I felt his breathing and I got closer to him and he put his other hand on top of mine and I put my hand back on his and my chin was on his knee and we sat like that for a minute, and I started running my hand up his arm and when it got to his shoulder he put his hand on it lightly to stop me but he didn't really stop me but I stopped and I brought it back down and he squeezed it and we sat there breathing and I said--

I can hear what you're thinking when I touch you like this.

And he looked away from me and then back at me and then away from me and he said Scarlet I want to say something and I'm going to ask you to sit--

And I sat back down. And I said, You don't have to say it again.

And he said, I'm not, I'm... and he said really quickly in one breath, I made some mistakes and this, this is everything you thought it was. It's everything you thought it was, you were never wrong about...

And I said, You don't have to go on.

He said, and, okay, if you see another therapist and at some point in the future would like to check in and--

I said Of course I will.

I said I still want to give you that book too.

The bible?

No, I want to give you that too but you won't read it, I laughed. This other one. I think it'll help some of your clients,

I've given up on giving you Lars you can rent it yourself...

He laughed. He told me he saw Fight Club on the plane and they cut out the plane crash sequence. I said that was beautiful, the ending, with the pixies song. He asked if I saw Lost in Translation. I said that was good too. He said Okay this is our time... any final thoughts?

I was wiping away tears but smiling and said, This will be hard

He nodded

I said Okay, and hugs are allowed, when therapy is resumed?

he said yes. he got up and he said i'll wait for you here. he walked to the door.

i said ah yes you and the door that's your thing huh.

i said I'll put the bible down cuz that would be clumsy. he laughed.

I PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM AND MY HEAD AGAINST HIS SHOULDER WITH MY LIPS TOUCHING HIS NECK AND THEN TURNED IT BACK. HE HELD MY WAIST SO TIGHT. I RAN MY FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR.

he put his hand on mine lightly again to stop me so I pulled away. and then we stared at each other.

and then i walked out the door.